Silence

One of the worst things about depression is that you constantly feel alone and everything seems quieter as you constantly battle your negative thoughts. I have prayed so many times for peace and and freedom from the throes of depression but recently all I've been receiving is silence. Or so I think. I don't know what it is at this point. Maybe my anger and resentment has deafened me spiritually. It's scary to feel cut off from God. I haven't prayed for 2 weeks now for the sole reason that I don't even know what to pray anymore. It is clear to me that my depression will not end soon. My therapist has some homework for me to do. He wants me to write a note about what makes me so sad, angry, and resentful and then seal it in a jar and toss it into a river. It's supposed to be a symbolic emotional release and a start on the road down towards forgiveness. I consider myself very forgiving but there are some things I find extremely hard to forgive. I know I must forgive because I'm not only hurting those around me but I'm also hurting myself. And yet I find it very hurtful and insulting to me. Forgiveness to me is an interesting thing. It goes against all logic and against our sinful nature as human beings and yet it is a great gift you can give someone. Like the gift Jesus gave to humanity.

A Roadblock

  Holding a grudge is like carrying a ball and chain around with you. It has caused me so much bitterness, anger, pain, and grief. I've prayed so hard that I could just let it go and move on but it sticks to me like a leech. It has caused my faith to waver and it hurts just thinking about it. This grudge has caused me so much grief and anger for ten years but I am somehow unable to let go. It is definitely the strongest root of my depression. It's carried me very close to hate and I am at a loss as of what to do at this point. It's so exhausting even thinking about it because I will just go into a tailspin and then I'll be in tears. I feel my only option is to forget about it but this has been very hard to do seeing as it affects me everyday. Only God can heal me at this point but it appears that he wants me to go through this for some reason. I literally feel like screaming and it's hard not to wonder, 'why me?' It's my burden and I will bear it. However I am unsure how much longer I can bear it before another breakdown happens. Only time will tell and I need as many prayers as I can get.

Letting Go

         Change. It's something that has always been rough for me. I have my flaws. I desperately cling to the past and I am often frightened of looking towards the future. I am frightened of the future for quite a few reasons. I feel that the future is overwhelming and that it's ambiguous as well as uncertain. But something I learned is that the future is what we make it. In order to avoid feeling overwhelmed and out of control, the key is to take one step at a time and not to look at the big picture all the time.
       Change for me doesn't mean just physical change and changes of my surroundings. It means change in my emotions as well as my attitude. This is my biggest battle because my emotions and attitude have been so deep rooted for years. The further I go down to find the root of the problem, the more hard and painful it gets. But I refuse to stop digging until I've changed my attitude and feelings because it is vital in helping me get better and for me becoming a better person. Yes, there are days where I feel like giving up. There are days where I just sit in my chair overwhelmed by it all and I'm in tears. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't die when I first tried to kill myself. But I am alive for a reason. Depression may last for many years but each day I survive, I get stronger.
       Usually, depression makes people bitter and hardens people's hearts but it has done just the opposite for me. I am able to sympathize with my other friends who are going through something similar and it's made me realize how fragile life can be. As a christian, I remember thinking before I had depression that life is meaningless and that we were basically just waiting to die so we could go to heaven. But this is only partially true. Yes, material things of this world are vanity but we have a purpose on this earth. That is to do the will of God and to serve others in humility and love. If you make that your focus and pray on it constantly then you won't have a chance to be depressed. There will be times when you completely forget and that's okay. Nobody is perfect. Including Christians. The only difference between christians  and everyone else is that as christians, we are forgiven. We still sin like anyone else. We are no better than anyone else.
      Change can be good. It's still something I'm working on coping with. I still have severe anger and resentment issues which I literally have no clue on how to let go. Only God, time, and wisdom can change that. There are even grudges that I hold. Things that I feel are unforgivable that were done to me in the past. That is where I am in my journey in the dark. The difference is that I can see a light ahead of me. That light is Christ leading me the way out of the inky void and darkness that is depression

Dangerous Thoughts

          Something that's been burned into my brain is a promise I made to myself after my first suicide attempt. I promised myself that if I remained single until I was twenty five, then I would kill myself. This is still something I struggle with daily and it's the deepest root of my depression. I find it hard because it's not something you have absolute control over. For me, it's really hard to put myself out there. I'm a shy person by nature and I'm always scared that I'll make a fool of myself. Risks are something that you just have to take in life because if you don't take risks, then you won't get anywhere in life. I try to step out of my comfort zone at least once a day. Even if it's something as small as driving home a new route I've never tried before or talking to someone new.

       There are still days where I have fleeting suicidal thoughts. Nights are usually the worst. It gets bad at least once a week. I'll be shaking and crying and I'll usually just stare at a wall thinking, 'I should've died at birth' or 'why didn't my first attempt succeed?' Afterwards, I start to think what I would've missed if I died in January. If I wasn't here today, then I would've missed out on being part of a wonderful new church and I never would've met the good friends I have there now. God will never give you more than you can handle. Sometimes I wonder if this will last my whole life. But I believe that going through depression is necessary. Like a metal, it's God's way of testing and refining us. Faith cannot grow without trial.   

       I currently feel as if I'm in limbo. A lot of the time, I'll be in my own world and my dreams constantly consist of having a wife and kids. That for me, is my dream. Following the lord is hard. It's simple but it can be very hard. Sometimes I'll find myself raging at him because I feel  as if I can't move forward. I have trouble putting the lord first in my life. That is my current focus. I realize deep down that I am to blame and not God and yet, every day, I'll find myself clenching my fists in anger and I feel as if I could punch a hole in my wall. I have so many fears and phobias. My ideal thought of serving the lord would be to travel the world and help others in need. Even if they were in dangerous areas of the world. I truly have no fear of death. I have a great fear of traveling and I am not well learned in many things. I often need assistance and I am ashamed of it. I refuse to give in. I will continue to fight each and every day. I will resolve all of this hindrances if it's the last thing I do.

Depression nowadays

          I apologize for not posting recently. It has been quite a tough week emotionally. Depression is one of those things that can just drag you down. It pulls a dark cloud over everything you see and think about. It's like a violent storm that refuses to abate. Depression today for me is interesting in it's occurrence. It ebbs and it wanes. Sometimes I'll spend time wondering if it'll ever go away. Sometimes it's just so hard to go on. Depression is something that always has you reliving moments of your past that were painful to you. You spend countless hours dwelling on it. The only way to fight it is to keep busy no matter what. Even if you go out for a walk or a drive. As for me, If I spend too much time dwelling and sulking on my woes then I can easily slip back into a pattern of suicidal thoughts so keeping busy for me is a must. You just have to have hope.

       Forgiveness and letting go is crucial in moving forward out of depression. However, this is easier said than done. Both of these virtues are something that I am still working on to this day. I blame myself for many things that have happened. It's important to determine the source of this guilt and whether it's true or false guilt. Many times, especially during depression, it's false guilt because many people who suffer depression beat themselves up and hold themselves to ridiculous standards. But there are times when the guilt is real and that is when you need to come clean about it. If you don't then it'll only make you feel worse and it can be seen as a matter of pride and arrogance on your part. The Bible has great things to say about depression and how to overcome it but it's something you must be willing to pursue. It all comes down to if you want to be happy or not. Happiness is a choice. Happiness won't come to you if you just sit there and sulk. You must seize the day and break the chains of depression

The Vicious Cycle

           Depression makes each day nearly unbearable to go through. I was thinking a lot about suicide but I didn't have the energy to go through with another attempt at that moment. I gave myself an ultimatum: 'If I'm still single by my birthday, then I will make out my will and end my life'. I began brainstorming my will and methods of suicide. I felt like I was right back where I started. I gave up any hope of becoming better and I believed that I deserved what I was feeling. I was very critical of myself and I pointed out every flaw that I could find. My appetite completely left me once again. I couldn't stand facing this alone so I told some of my friends what I was going through and they convinced not to go through with it.

         It was a huge weight off of my mind to not have to make out my will or end my life but I wasn't looking forward to my birthday at all. To me, it just meant another year of being alone and forgotten. I saw myself as a very weak willed person and I found that crying was the only release that worked. I looked back on the past 8 months of my life and I finally realized that I wasn't weak willed. I made it through 2 suicide attempts and I made efforts to stave off depression.

          I was still very uncertain about my future. I still am. But I keep pushing through to find meaning. To find a purpose. That  is my task to this very day. I will endure and I will survive. I began searching for a new job to get my life back in order

The Calm Before The Storm

        As time passed and as I had more and more psychologist sessions, I got to the point where each day was becoming a little more bearable. I was taught multiple coping techniques; some of which helped, and others that didn't. Deep breathing helps to lower my blood pressure and slow my heart down. But usually it's temporary. To stop me from dwelling on all of my negative and suicidal thoughts, I would take a walk around our trail and I would blast the music as loud as I can to shut any thoughts out. That was probably my best and most favorite coping mechanism. My appetite slowly came back and things that I usually did for leisure were also satisfying again.

           I always had an overwhelming urge to be by myself and cut myself off from anything social or any people including my family. I took all my meals upstairs and depression still had it's occasional spikes so I would just sit in my chair and just stair straight ahead for several hours at a time. I felt so lonely but at the same time I couldn't stand for people to see me this way so I hid from the world

          During a session, My psychologist gave me an idea of reaching out to as many friends and acquaintances as possible. I found this idea very appealing because I saw it as a way to rekindle my social life. And it worked. I found that many of my friends actually did care and that they wanted to see me. This made me feel loved so I scheduled a bunch of different times where I could hang out with my friends. This was also good for my depression because it kept me busy and it kept my mind off my troubles for a time and it also gave me something to look forward to.

           My psychologist warned me that this is just a temporary solution but it will give me some time to recover.  He was definitely correct that it was temporary. As may came, I finished my class in college. After that the class was done, Depression hit me hard. Really hard. The weight of 2 suicide attempts and my feelings of loneliness completely caught me off guard out of no where. I was thinking, 'This is a vicious cycle that I can't seem to break. I'm really in a lot of pain and I hate being single.'

Uncertainty

        When you're depressed and you try to think positively, It's like you're barely hanging on to a side of a cliff and there's someone above you stepping on your fingers. That's how it was for me even when I first started on my medication. It felt like I was so hopeless and it greatly affected my work. I was choking back tears every day while on the job. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom a few times just to let it all go. I always had lunch in my car so none of my co workers would see me like that. I hated letting people see me at my worst when I'm so vulnerable. It drove me crazy. I felt I had nowhere to turn to and I felt like God wasn't listening to me. I just wanted it to end. It felt like a constant struggle every day just to find a reason for living. I often argued furiously with myself just to stop the suicidal thoughts. It's a huge strain on the mind and it constantly drains you emotionally to think like that.

       I often found myself taking quick, shallow breaths and my heart would be racing. I couldn't reason with myself to find any solutions to my situation without killing myself. The pain of being single was blinding. I hated being alone and I still do. Some people would tell me, 'you're never alone. God is always beside you.' That was not the cure to the loneliness that I was looking for. Eventually, I got so tired and worn down that I decided to try suicide again.

      When someone is suicidal, they are not thinking straight. They don't consider what's going on around them. Most of the time, they don't want to die, but they try to kill themselves anyway because they see no other escape from their pain. That's exactly how it was for me. Being suicidal is THE worst feeling in the world. You feel so broken and hopeless all the time. I was going to slit my throat in my car but one of my friends called my parents and they came by. This was while I was at my lunch break at work. Needless to say, they were very upset. I cried for 2 hours straight. I kept thinking, 'What do I do now? where do I turn? Why is this happening to me?' From that point on, What little energy and will I had left was focused on just surviving each and every day.

Crimson

      As the weeks went by, I started to hate myself. I hated the situation I was in and I felt completely helpless to change it so I looked for ways to punish myself. That's when I started cutting up my arms. I liked the pain for some reason and I felt that I deserved every prick of pain. Cutting is a terrible habit and it's actually addicting. It can be dangerous if you don't stop. I knew it was dangerous but I honestly didn't care. I thought that if I got infections or blood poisoning, then all the better. The closer I was to death then the better off I would be. I slowly started to cut deeper and deeper because I wanted to bleed out. I felt there was absolutely nothing left in this life for me. I felt completely unattractive and undesirable. I still have the scars on my arms to this day and they'll probably stay with me for life.

       Anger is an interesting thing. It starts off as a little thing but if allowed to grow, then it can consume all of your thoughts and eventually turn into depression. I'm by nature a very stoic person so I never act out on my anger and I never tell anyone about it so it was allowed to grow. It manifested itself as self loathing and I start hurting myself. One of my best friends noticed my arms and took me to the emergency room. I started to panic because I didn't want my parents to find out. I couldn't stand to let my family see me like this. I was admitted and I was severely dehydrated. That trip to the emergency room helped remind me that I am loved and people do care. I remember crying the entire time.

        I didn't stop hurting myself until the first couple sessions with my psychiatrist. He taught me different coping mechanisms and healthy ways to vent. I threw all my knives away to stop hurting myself and to keep the temptation away. It worked. I still struggled with thoughts like 'why is this happening to me? why am I like this? Will I ever find someone?' I still don't have answers to all those questions so I suppress the ones I don't have answers to. It's not healthy to keep dwelling on those kinds of questions all the time. It can be a huge strain on the mind and extremely emotionally draining. I just didn't have the energy to deal with those kinds of questions so I sealed them away in my mind for a time. It bought me some time to relax and rejuvenate but it didn't last long. You can't control the time when depression hits you. Like a dam, it completely burst and all the those questions and worries hit me like a tidal wave a month later

Prisoner Of Despair

        If you survive a suicide attempt or get convinced not to go through it, then either way it will definitely sap your will. I admit that I wasn't glad to be alive, I was sorry that I didn't succeed. I felt so empty and broken. I would have tried to kill myself again but I didn't have the energy or will to go through that again. I had so many tension headaches that I already felt dead. I felt like a walking zombie. Every positive thought I tried to come up with was immediately shot down with pessimism and self-loathing.

         My parents had no idea what was going on with me at the time. All they knew was that I was acting very strangely and I rarely talked at all. My instinct was to hide everything I was feeling and to keep it inside. The only way I was able to vent was through my friends. One of my good friends convinced me to tell my family what was going on with me. I broke into tears immediately when I told them because I couldn't hold it in any longer and I was afraid that they wouldn't understand. My parents were shocked. My mom couldn't even grasp it. They came around eventually to understanding but my sister was the one whom I was able to talk to.

           My mom took me to doctor the next week and I started to get help. I thought meds were a cure-all but I was so very wrong. Yes, they do help you to cope with depression but it's ultimately up to the person to do most of the work. A good friend of mine suggested that I start journaling to get my thoughts out. It was a very good coping mechanism for me but I never wish to read what I wrote again. I recorded every single dark thought that I had and I would usually be shaking and in tears by the time I finished writing. I felt that I was permanently broken and that I would never be whole again. I yearned for a girlfriend everyday and it's still something I struggle with to this day. I had suicidal thoughts constantly for a few months. I felt that the meds weren't working. That was when I was taken to a psychiatrist.

Forever Changed

        Suicide is a grisly affair. It may seem like the only way out of an extremely painful situation but you must consider the consequences. People have told me that suicide is a 'permanent solution to a temporary problem' but in my mind I was thinking 'a permanent solution to a permanent problem'.  I was raised in a christian family. I was so ready to be done with this world and go to be with the lord. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. My eyes were swollen from tears and I was constantly shaking. It truly is the worst feeling in the world. I felt so incredibly alone and single and it felt like there was a huge gaping void in my life. I was crying to God asking what I should do. I had a knife to my chest and I was ready to plunge it in and end it all.

       When you're clinically depressed, it's really hard to lie about your feelings. If someone were to asked me, 'How was your day?' I would break down into tears and tell them what's going on. Before I was about to attempt suicide, I texted one of my friends that I was leaving this world and I honestly didn't expect them to respond. But she did. She called me probably about ten seconds later and saved my life. I was so upset that I couldn't even say a full sentence without being interrupted by sobs. After we were done talking, I was still looking at the knife very closely. I was frantically praying for an answer. Finally, I kid you not, a very tiny whisper said, 'No. You're not done yet'. Now you can interpret that however you want but that's what I heard. I was so exhausted from crying that I just went straight to bed. I was just pulled away from the brink of suicide.  

         When you are suicidal, you're only thinking of ending your pain and freeing yourself from your situation. But the truth is, suicide sends a huge shock wave throughout your community. It's not just about you. As painful as suicide can be to you, it's just as painful or even more (if possible) to your family members, relatives, and close friends. They are baffled by what happened and usually end up blaming themselves if a suicide attempt succeeds. Some of them can even fall into clinical depression themselves. The reasons for my attempt is that I felt completely alone and unloved. I realize now that this statement is 100% false. Depression vastly distorts your thinking. I abandoned all rationality. I thought the worst of my depression was over now that I had been through the worst of it. I was wrong yet again.

        "This tendency to avoid problems and emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness" - M. Scott Peck
This was my thinking for most of my life. I always was intent on avoiding depression. I thought, 'this could never happen to me. I will never attempt suicide.' Funny how things turned out. I am glad that I went through this because it has taught me humility and it has taught me that I am never alone and I will never keep everything inside again. That is why I am sharing my experience with the public. When you fall, pick yourself up. Keep fighting

The Descent

      For the first few months that I was out of school, I was looking for a job. I found one in october and I was then an employee of goodwill industries. I was content. I loved that I was making money and it was a temporary distraction.

         As christmas came by, depression slowly crept back into my life and this time it didn't go away. I was really bothered by the fact that I didn't have that special someone to celebrate christmas with. This feeling of longing only grew as time went by until it occupied every waking moment of my day. Work got harder and harder for me. I lost focus and I found it really hard to keep working. I stopped eating and my co workers started to take notice. In an attempt to create another distraction I decided to take up a friend's offer and enroll in a class. However, this didn't create a big distraction as I thought it would. I lost all focus in school and at work.
           Depression got worse and worse. I started getting tension headaches. It felt like someone was pressing in on my head from all sides. I also started having breakdowns every day. At first I could control them but eventually I lost all control and I was like a time bomb waiting to go off. I felt completely alone and I started becoming really paranoid. I was convinced that when my friends tried to help me through my depression, they were all lying through their teeth. That they didn't really care about me. I started to push the boundaries to test them to see if they really cared. Obviously, at that point, they didn't know what to do with me. They suggested that I get professional help. They were no psychologists and even I could see that so I pressured them no further. Instead, I started to panic. I refused to believe that I was that far gone. I believed that I could fix everything myself and that I didn't need anybody's help. Not even God's help. How very wrong I was.
          A day went by and I was emotionally exhausted and sick of being single. I started to let my guard down against my thoughts and  unwanted thoughts flooded in. It's actually quite strange when you're depressed because the negative thoughts sometimes don't even feel like they're yours. They're constantly critical of every aspect of you and if they continue to reign in your mind unhindered then it can lead to serious consequences. That's what happened to me. I became sick of life in general. It's like a huge dark cloud was pulled over every aspect of my life. I felt completely helpless to change my situation. So I started thinking of drastic measures. That's when the idea of suicide started to appeal to me. What happened to that evening completely changed my life. Not just mentally but spiritually as well

Memories

       I realize now that I've had depression for a long time but it's just been dormant. My psychologist helped me see that. Around the beginning of my sophomore year, my depression surfaced briefly. I remember that every day for about a week, I would be on the verge of tears. This was because a lot of my friends switched schools and I felt quite alone. It was also around this time that I  began longing for companionship. A girlfriend. Eventually, My depression went away and I carried on for another 2 years. Although, from the moment I wanted a girlfriend, this thought has nagged at me every day even to this very day.
    
         In my junior year of high school, things started to really bother me that used to didn't even matter to me. I couldn't stand seeing couples. I started growing very bitter that year. Like I stated in my previous post, I always kept everything I was feeling on the inside. I couldn't even conceive of revealing even the tiniest bit about myself to someone. As I kept everything inside, My depression grew and I very slowly started to become angry. But I still put on a fake smile and I was able to fake happiness until the near end of my senior year.       
       
       At the end of my senior year, everything started to hit the fan. My only highlight of that year was prom. I had a panic attack at least once a day. My heart would feel like it was about to burst and everything around me seemed so surreal. That caused me to panic even more.My friends took notice that I had been losing weight and I was being really quiet. I only spoke if spoken to. I lost all interest in school. I felt like I was a sponge that couldn't take in anymore water. I had to take entire days off of school just get my sleep and to get my head on straight. The reasons for the sudden series of panic attacks and anxiety issues are multiple. I came to realize that I had no interest in college whatsoever and that I would lose the everyday structure and order that school provided. My greatest fear though was that my social life would collapse. And collapse it did.

        Unlike most students, I was not excited for graduation day. I wasn't even looking forward to my graduation party. When the ceremony ended, I knew nothing would ever be the same. Everyone was off to college. My biggest regret throughout my whole high school is that I didn't make a single attempt to ask a girl out. I felt pathetic and lonely. Those were the thoughts that I woke up to every morning. But it would get much worse a few months later.                                                                                                                                                                   

Cracks In The Foundation

Depression

It's one of the worst conditions a person can go through and if severe depression is left untreated, then it can be life threatening.

I am one of the many sufferers of clinical depression and I have been through it all. But it didn't just hit me like a huge tidal wave. It had a beginning. I can trace the beginnings of my depression as far back as sixth grade. I have always been an introverted person and it is vital that a person has social connections. I didn't have many friends starting in middle school. I always struggled with meeting new people. Even during class I never raised my hand unless I was forced to.
            As the year went by, I felt increasingly lonely and I lost interest in school. Now this is in addition to my parents discovering that I had Attention Deficit Disorder, commonly known as ADD. I kept from my parents that I was feeling depressed. I kept a lot of things to myself such as my feelings, how my day went, and even a lot of things in my spiritual life.
         My grades dropped sharply as the semester came to a close. My parents took me to the doctor's and I was diagnosed with ADD. I was prescribed medication and it helped with my concentration. My grades started to rise and I was just happy that I passed all my classes. (with the exception of spanish and math....) The next semester I started to become a little more involved in my classes and I even made a few friends. My depression went away for many years but it started rearing it's ugly head again when I was a senior. This was just the beginning of the story and the roots of my depression