Uncertainty

        When you're depressed and you try to think positively, It's like you're barely hanging on to a side of a cliff and there's someone above you stepping on your fingers. That's how it was for me even when I first started on my medication. It felt like I was so hopeless and it greatly affected my work. I was choking back tears every day while on the job. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom a few times just to let it all go. I always had lunch in my car so none of my co workers would see me like that. I hated letting people see me at my worst when I'm so vulnerable. It drove me crazy. I felt I had nowhere to turn to and I felt like God wasn't listening to me. I just wanted it to end. It felt like a constant struggle every day just to find a reason for living. I often argued furiously with myself just to stop the suicidal thoughts. It's a huge strain on the mind and it constantly drains you emotionally to think like that.

       I often found myself taking quick, shallow breaths and my heart would be racing. I couldn't reason with myself to find any solutions to my situation without killing myself. The pain of being single was blinding. I hated being alone and I still do. Some people would tell me, 'you're never alone. God is always beside you.' That was not the cure to the loneliness that I was looking for. Eventually, I got so tired and worn down that I decided to try suicide again.

      When someone is suicidal, they are not thinking straight. They don't consider what's going on around them. Most of the time, they don't want to die, but they try to kill themselves anyway because they see no other escape from their pain. That's exactly how it was for me. Being suicidal is THE worst feeling in the world. You feel so broken and hopeless all the time. I was going to slit my throat in my car but one of my friends called my parents and they came by. This was while I was at my lunch break at work. Needless to say, they were very upset. I cried for 2 hours straight. I kept thinking, 'What do I do now? where do I turn? Why is this happening to me?' From that point on, What little energy and will I had left was focused on just surviving each and every day.