The Descent

      For the first few months that I was out of school, I was looking for a job. I found one in october and I was then an employee of goodwill industries. I was content. I loved that I was making money and it was a temporary distraction.

         As christmas came by, depression slowly crept back into my life and this time it didn't go away. I was really bothered by the fact that I didn't have that special someone to celebrate christmas with. This feeling of longing only grew as time went by until it occupied every waking moment of my day. Work got harder and harder for me. I lost focus and I found it really hard to keep working. I stopped eating and my co workers started to take notice. In an attempt to create another distraction I decided to take up a friend's offer and enroll in a class. However, this didn't create a big distraction as I thought it would. I lost all focus in school and at work.
           Depression got worse and worse. I started getting tension headaches. It felt like someone was pressing in on my head from all sides. I also started having breakdowns every day. At first I could control them but eventually I lost all control and I was like a time bomb waiting to go off. I felt completely alone and I started becoming really paranoid. I was convinced that when my friends tried to help me through my depression, they were all lying through their teeth. That they didn't really care about me. I started to push the boundaries to test them to see if they really cared. Obviously, at that point, they didn't know what to do with me. They suggested that I get professional help. They were no psychologists and even I could see that so I pressured them no further. Instead, I started to panic. I refused to believe that I was that far gone. I believed that I could fix everything myself and that I didn't need anybody's help. Not even God's help. How very wrong I was.
          A day went by and I was emotionally exhausted and sick of being single. I started to let my guard down against my thoughts and  unwanted thoughts flooded in. It's actually quite strange when you're depressed because the negative thoughts sometimes don't even feel like they're yours. They're constantly critical of every aspect of you and if they continue to reign in your mind unhindered then it can lead to serious consequences. That's what happened to me. I became sick of life in general. It's like a huge dark cloud was pulled over every aspect of my life. I felt completely helpless to change my situation. So I started thinking of drastic measures. That's when the idea of suicide started to appeal to me. What happened to that evening completely changed my life. Not just mentally but spiritually as well