Depression makes each day nearly unbearable to go through. I was thinking a lot about suicide but I didn't have the energy to go through with another attempt at that moment. I gave myself an ultimatum: 'If I'm still single by my birthday, then I will make out my will and end my life'. I began brainstorming my will and methods of suicide. I felt like I was right back where I started. I gave up any hope of becoming better and I believed that I deserved what I was feeling. I was very critical of myself and I pointed out every flaw that I could find. My appetite completely left me once again. I couldn't stand facing this alone so I told some of my friends what I was going through and they convinced not to go through with it.
It was a huge weight off of my mind to not have to make out my will or end my life but I wasn't looking forward to my birthday at all. To me, it just meant another year of being alone and forgotten. I saw myself as a very weak willed person and I found that crying was the only release that worked. I looked back on the past 8 months of my life and I finally realized that I wasn't weak willed. I made it through 2 suicide attempts and I made efforts to stave off depression.
I was still very uncertain about my future. I still am. But I keep pushing through to find meaning. To find a purpose. That is my task to this very day. I will endure and I will survive. I began searching for a new job to get my life back in order
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