Crimson

      As the weeks went by, I started to hate myself. I hated the situation I was in and I felt completely helpless to change it so I looked for ways to punish myself. That's when I started cutting up my arms. I liked the pain for some reason and I felt that I deserved every prick of pain. Cutting is a terrible habit and it's actually addicting. It can be dangerous if you don't stop. I knew it was dangerous but I honestly didn't care. I thought that if I got infections or blood poisoning, then all the better. The closer I was to death then the better off I would be. I slowly started to cut deeper and deeper because I wanted to bleed out. I felt there was absolutely nothing left in this life for me. I felt completely unattractive and undesirable. I still have the scars on my arms to this day and they'll probably stay with me for life.

       Anger is an interesting thing. It starts off as a little thing but if allowed to grow, then it can consume all of your thoughts and eventually turn into depression. I'm by nature a very stoic person so I never act out on my anger and I never tell anyone about it so it was allowed to grow. It manifested itself as self loathing and I start hurting myself. One of my best friends noticed my arms and took me to the emergency room. I started to panic because I didn't want my parents to find out. I couldn't stand to let my family see me like this. I was admitted and I was severely dehydrated. That trip to the emergency room helped remind me that I am loved and people do care. I remember crying the entire time.

        I didn't stop hurting myself until the first couple sessions with my psychiatrist. He taught me different coping mechanisms and healthy ways to vent. I threw all my knives away to stop hurting myself and to keep the temptation away. It worked. I still struggled with thoughts like 'why is this happening to me? why am I like this? Will I ever find someone?' I still don't have answers to all those questions so I suppress the ones I don't have answers to. It's not healthy to keep dwelling on those kinds of questions all the time. It can be a huge strain on the mind and extremely emotionally draining. I just didn't have the energy to deal with those kinds of questions so I sealed them away in my mind for a time. It bought me some time to relax and rejuvenate but it didn't last long. You can't control the time when depression hits you. Like a dam, it completely burst and all the those questions and worries hit me like a tidal wave a month later