Hope In The Depths Of Depression

      I had always seen my suicide attempts as a mark of shame. I felt that people all around me looked down on me because of it. I always had the sense that Christians shouldn't feel like this. They shouldn't attempt to take their lives. Suicide is a very controversial subject. I didn't attempt it because I was angry at God or anything like that. Those moments are the darkest moments of my life and I can clearly recall how I felt. It was as if I lost my reason for living. I saw no hope for the future and I saw my greatest hopes and desires shattered before me. It was as if every good thing and every happy thought had left my body and deserted me.  I felt that a dark veil had been pulled over my eyes and what I saw scared me to death. I felt like I was frozen in place while everyone had forsaken me, laughing and moving on with their lives. Silence. The silence was deafening. The gnawing pain of loneliness prevented me from having any clear, lucid thoughts. That to me was the death of hope.
        It is now more than a year and a half into depression, I feel better equipped and God has used this trying time to allow me to mature spiritually and emotionally. I must admit, had I not gone through depression, I would be a very different person and my faith would have slowly died out. Sometimes God withholds blessings and allows pain into our lives. He doesn't do this to be cruel. He does it so we will run to Him and depend on Him. He does this so that we learn to love Him more than His blessings. Jesus is the one clear and tangible hope that I have been able to hang onto. I know that depression won't be forever. True, I have no way of knowing when or if depression will be over soon. Our lives are so short and it won't matter once we pass from this world. All bad things will pass away. While I live, I will continue to use every opportunity the Lord gives me to reach out to others and tell them about Christ. I am finding more and more that I am able to help people who are hurting because I am acquainted with sorrow and I can relate to some degree what they're going through.
       When I think of depression, I think of William Cowper. A christian poet and hymnodist. He lived in the 1700s and he suffered depression for most of his life. He also had multiple suicide attempts. He suffered much more than I ever have and He still kept his eyes on God. I can relate to him because he had a few close friends whom he poured his heart out to. For him, things were always brighter when they were around. That's how I feel about my friends as well. A person who attempts suicide is a person who is broken. A person who has lost hope and has their mind filled with darkness and despair. It's left it's mark on me physically and emotionally. Yet, God has turned these horrible events into something that ultimately reshaped my views on life and let my relationship with God flourish a hundredfold.
     The fight is not over. I have the root of my sadness which has been weighing me down for years. I keep it buried because it brings unimaginable pain and sorrow when I think about it. Lately, I have been trying to hide from God and my responsibilities. I often drown out the silence with media such as television and music. I have been so angry at myself because I keep stumbling. I had been too ashamed to ask God for His help because I had been feeling like I don't even deserve to be looked upon. But refusing to accept God's forgiveness is a form of pride and self pity. I just look at what the bible has to say and I think, 'God already knew I would do this. It really isn't possible to surprise or disappoint him.' I confess and ask for His forgiveness. We just gotta pick ourselves up and keep walking. Keep focusing on the Lord.
      

Hope For The Hurting

       Pain and suffering are unavoidable in this life. The good thing is that God uses these terrible things for our own good. He uses it as an opportunity to shape and strengthen us. If He did not, then we would be weak and unprepared for what life throws our way. People find ways to escape their suffering and circumstances all too often. Why wouldn't they try to escape their pain? It's in our nature to want to run away from anything that would cause us to become uncomfortable. I am definitely guilty of fleeing from trials and suffering. I have thought about and attempted suicide on numerous occasions in my past. Pain can easily overwhelm us if we let it. I am not capable of putting in to words of how hopeless and alone I have felt. The bible tells us to rejoice in our suffering. Most people would scoff at this statement because it goes against our nature as human beings. Yet, by obeying this command I have managed to make it through my worst days and nights. Yes, the pain can be overwhelming but when you have someone like Jesus to comfort you, you have hope. Suffering is not forever. This life is but a short prelude to eternity. You can still find hope in this life if you truly seek it.Cast all your cares and worries at the feet of God and take one day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow. God already knows what's going to happen and He will not give you more than you can handle. Now, all this is easier said than done. It takes a lot of training, faith, and prayer. I am still learning this myself and there are things that I still need help with.
     You cannot escape suffering and heartbreak in this life but Jesus makes it bearable. He can carry you through those times of extreme hurt and sorrow. In His mercy, He also provides us with practical resources. Talk to people you trust. Never hold your pain inside you. It will eat you alive. Help other people too. This is a great coping mechanism because you will be too focused on others to worry about your pain. Some of us carry wounds unnecessarily for months. Even years. I am guilty of this as well. Pain like this can weigh heavily on a person and even paralyze their spiritual growth. It will hurt a lot but you must take the offensive and resolve whatever it is that may weigh heavily on you. It will come sooner or later. Pray about it and God will give you an answer.
      Dealing with suffering takes an immense amount of willpower but it makes us stronger when we overcome those trials. There is no hurt that Jesus doesn't understand. He is acquainted with sorrows and took all our sins upon Him as He died on the cross. However, you must make the choice if you want to be healed. You must take the initiative. God won't make us do anything against our will. It may be hard but believe me, it is worth it!

Living With Fear

      I have not known peace or joy for a very long time. My mind is constantly under siege from great fears to negative thoughts. Fighting back has become quite difficult. My greatest fear has turned into a terror and I break out into cold sweats at the thought of being alone. I go into a zone where I see nothing and hear nothing but that gnawing terror of being alone. I block it out for as long as I can each day because I have no means to combat such a monster and it consumes me when I look at it straight in the face. I am very scared. I am not free. This is the core of my depression and yet I am so scared of it and I can't bear to dwell on it because it's what led me to attempt suicide as many times as I did in the past. It has been the motive for every single suicidal thought I've ever had. It hurts a lot. The pain I feel is indescribable when I am alone with my thoughts. I have trouble breathing and and I cry. A lot.
      Ever since I was little, I assumed that one day I would get a girlfriend, get engaged, and then get married. As I became a teenager, this grew into a hope. A dream. When high school came around and I was still alone, I began to question my self-worth. That is when my hope turned into a fear that I would always be alone. When I graduated, my fear became a terror, a nightmare. It's worse than it's ever been today. I have no hope, no shelter but Jesus. When you do everything that is within your power to achieve your dream and you fail, you lose your purpose and hope. It crushed me and broke my heart. I don't smile anymore. Smiles have been replaced by fear and tears. I feel that I have nothing tangible to hope for and hold onto in this world so I have been forced to depend on God. He has provided but I still feel empty and broken, as if everything that made me happy and hopeful has been cast out of me. My only hope is in Christ

Amidst My Pain, He Is There

     My thinking has been distorted by intense fear, heartbreak, and negative thoughts. They are relentless. This week, I have felt an unprecedented spike in depression. I am struggling to keep my depression suppressed. I am able to put on a mask for the rest of the world to see but the pain has become too much for me to keep this up any longer. Luckily, I know what triggers my breakdowns and my spikes in depression. The root is still there. That emptiness. That hollow feeling. It hurts more than anything I've ever felt. I honestly have trouble breathing by just thinking about it. Going through this world alone is an idea that terrifies me and shakes the very core of my being. I am so scared and I don't know how to cope with it. I want a relationship so so badly. What triggers this is something as simple as learning that one of my friends is in a relationship. It's as if everyone around me is getting married or they already have someone while I am left alone while my greatest fear gnaws at me. I pray so hard that I shake and cry, but I get no response. I bury this part of my depression because it has been the driving force behind my motivations for suicide in the past.
     When calamity and sorrow befalls me, I naturally withdraw socially. This is what has happened these past couple weeks. I haven't been going to church because it hurts me to see so many people who have a partner. I wouldn't be able to hold myself together if I went to church. I have been neglecting possible hang out dates with my friends as well because the majority of them have someone and I feel like a third wheel. It makes me feel emotionally cut off from everyone. The pain is so intense. I have not known true peace for a long time. I am constantly at war with myself. I see very little hope for me in the future. I can't see my dreams coming true because they have been shattered multiple times in the past two years. I've kept my feelings of loneliness inside for eight long years and the dam has finally burst.
      I am hanging on by a thread. God is the only one who can help me. It feels like no one could possibly understand what I'm going through because they either have someone or have had someone before. I've been alone my entire life and from the multiple rejections I have endured, I can only conclude one thing. It's not possible for another girl to love me romantically. I am kept at arm's length and considered just a 'friend'. All my life, I have greatly feared of being in that position and that nightmare is true and happening right now. People have tried to comfort me by saying that Paul from the bible was single. Well I'm not Paul and I don't want to be single. I despise that state of being. It's a curse.I just want to be healed. I want all my fears to melt away and I want peace. There is constant tension within me and I am broken. I have felt this way constantly for more than a year now and it is one of the worst things I've ever felt.
      Luckily, I had my therapist appointment this week and for now, I know of only one way to help myself heal and one way to buy me more time. I must pray multiple times a day. I need more time with God and less time with my fears and depression. Following that up, I must return to my schedule and increase contact with friends and people from church. Fear is what has been keeping me locked up. That's unacceptable. The problem is, I can look at my greatest fear in the face, but I haven't the foggiest idea on how to overcome it. I become overwhelmed with despair and intense, heart-wrenching pain. That is why I hide it. I am ashamed of it and it is a wound that constantly bleeds and slows me down. I need prayers that I will be healed from it. It impedes my spiritual growth and keeps me from thinking clearly

Origins

    Experts say that we have our personalities set by the time we are six or seven years old. Are personality often reflects those of our parents. Through therapy, I have discovered that the development of my personality and behavior has been drastically influenced by a deep-seated grudge. A grudge I held against certain family members. When I discovered what they did, I was very young. I was shocked. I cried and I had a panic attack. Even though it wasn't intentional, I felt like it was a personal attack against me. I still hold some of those bitter feelings today and it hurts. I have talked about this grudge in past posts. When I discovered what had happened, I went into denial. I refused to accept it and that was my mind's way of protecting myself. If I had confronted the family members who did it right there and then, I think things would've been different; better. I admit that that was my failure and mistake.  I buried my feelings and my emotions deep in my subconscious and that is the true beginning of my depression and the shaping of my personality.
         Years passed and I was suddenly in my teen years. Anything buried always gets discovered again. I finally accepted what had happened and what had been done to me but feelings of anger, betrayal, sadness, helplessness and rage plagued me for the next 7 years and continues to this day. What those family members did to me drastically changed my personality and relationship with them. I held them at arms length, I didn't trust them, I did everything in my power to undermine their authority. It was mostly passive-aggressive and I always argued with them on every little thing because I felt that they had hurt me so deeply. I had no idea what to do with all my feelings. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anybody. It was my deepest darkest secret and I trusted nobody with it until last year. I realized that God gave me close friends for a reason. Any kind of relationship can't be formed without trust. I told a few of my close friends about it and it has helped. All my feelings that have been repressed for nearly half of my life are being vented and I still sometimes burst into tears because it hurts so much. And yet, it was the right thing to tell my friends. They can give me perspective that I had previously been unable to see.
      Forgiveness can be extremely difficult. It's not something you do one time and then the anger and want for revenge are just gone. It's a process that can take months or even years but the good news is that because of forgiveness, healing is possible. When you refuse to forgive, you're hurting yourself a lot more because God will not bless you if you do not forgive as He has forgiven you. I believe that God has me going through this for a reason. I definitely see the opportunity for spiritual growth here and with God's help, I can do it. I have learned to depend on God for everything. Not just the big things, but the little things too, whether they be good or bad.