Prisoner Of Despair

        If you survive a suicide attempt or get convinced not to go through it, then either way it will definitely sap your will. I admit that I wasn't glad to be alive, I was sorry that I didn't succeed. I felt so empty and broken. I would have tried to kill myself again but I didn't have the energy or will to go through that again. I had so many tension headaches that I already felt dead. I felt like a walking zombie. Every positive thought I tried to come up with was immediately shot down with pessimism and self-loathing.

         My parents had no idea what was going on with me at the time. All they knew was that I was acting very strangely and I rarely talked at all. My instinct was to hide everything I was feeling and to keep it inside. The only way I was able to vent was through my friends. One of my good friends convinced me to tell my family what was going on with me. I broke into tears immediately when I told them because I couldn't hold it in any longer and I was afraid that they wouldn't understand. My parents were shocked. My mom couldn't even grasp it. They came around eventually to understanding but my sister was the one whom I was able to talk to.

           My mom took me to doctor the next week and I started to get help. I thought meds were a cure-all but I was so very wrong. Yes, they do help you to cope with depression but it's ultimately up to the person to do most of the work. A good friend of mine suggested that I start journaling to get my thoughts out. It was a very good coping mechanism for me but I never wish to read what I wrote again. I recorded every single dark thought that I had and I would usually be shaking and in tears by the time I finished writing. I felt that I was permanently broken and that I would never be whole again. I yearned for a girlfriend everyday and it's still something I struggle with to this day. I had suicidal thoughts constantly for a few months. I felt that the meds weren't working. That was when I was taken to a psychiatrist.