Memories

       I realize now that I've had depression for a long time but it's just been dormant. My psychologist helped me see that. Around the beginning of my sophomore year, my depression surfaced briefly. I remember that every day for about a week, I would be on the verge of tears. This was because a lot of my friends switched schools and I felt quite alone. It was also around this time that I  began longing for companionship. A girlfriend. Eventually, My depression went away and I carried on for another 2 years. Although, from the moment I wanted a girlfriend, this thought has nagged at me every day even to this very day.
    
         In my junior year of high school, things started to really bother me that used to didn't even matter to me. I couldn't stand seeing couples. I started growing very bitter that year. Like I stated in my previous post, I always kept everything I was feeling on the inside. I couldn't even conceive of revealing even the tiniest bit about myself to someone. As I kept everything inside, My depression grew and I very slowly started to become angry. But I still put on a fake smile and I was able to fake happiness until the near end of my senior year.       
       
       At the end of my senior year, everything started to hit the fan. My only highlight of that year was prom. I had a panic attack at least once a day. My heart would feel like it was about to burst and everything around me seemed so surreal. That caused me to panic even more.My friends took notice that I had been losing weight and I was being really quiet. I only spoke if spoken to. I lost all interest in school. I felt like I was a sponge that couldn't take in anymore water. I had to take entire days off of school just get my sleep and to get my head on straight. The reasons for the sudden series of panic attacks and anxiety issues are multiple. I came to realize that I had no interest in college whatsoever and that I would lose the everyday structure and order that school provided. My greatest fear though was that my social life would collapse. And collapse it did.

        Unlike most students, I was not excited for graduation day. I wasn't even looking forward to my graduation party. When the ceremony ended, I knew nothing would ever be the same. Everyone was off to college. My biggest regret throughout my whole high school is that I didn't make a single attempt to ask a girl out. I felt pathetic and lonely. Those were the thoughts that I woke up to every morning. But it would get much worse a few months later.