Forever Changed

        Suicide is a grisly affair. It may seem like the only way out of an extremely painful situation but you must consider the consequences. People have told me that suicide is a 'permanent solution to a temporary problem' but in my mind I was thinking 'a permanent solution to a permanent problem'.  I was raised in a christian family. I was so ready to be done with this world and go to be with the lord. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. My eyes were swollen from tears and I was constantly shaking. It truly is the worst feeling in the world. I felt so incredibly alone and single and it felt like there was a huge gaping void in my life. I was crying to God asking what I should do. I had a knife to my chest and I was ready to plunge it in and end it all.

       When you're clinically depressed, it's really hard to lie about your feelings. If someone were to asked me, 'How was your day?' I would break down into tears and tell them what's going on. Before I was about to attempt suicide, I texted one of my friends that I was leaving this world and I honestly didn't expect them to respond. But she did. She called me probably about ten seconds later and saved my life. I was so upset that I couldn't even say a full sentence without being interrupted by sobs. After we were done talking, I was still looking at the knife very closely. I was frantically praying for an answer. Finally, I kid you not, a very tiny whisper said, 'No. You're not done yet'. Now you can interpret that however you want but that's what I heard. I was so exhausted from crying that I just went straight to bed. I was just pulled away from the brink of suicide.  

         When you are suicidal, you're only thinking of ending your pain and freeing yourself from your situation. But the truth is, suicide sends a huge shock wave throughout your community. It's not just about you. As painful as suicide can be to you, it's just as painful or even more (if possible) to your family members, relatives, and close friends. They are baffled by what happened and usually end up blaming themselves if a suicide attempt succeeds. Some of them can even fall into clinical depression themselves. The reasons for my attempt is that I felt completely alone and unloved. I realize now that this statement is 100% false. Depression vastly distorts your thinking. I abandoned all rationality. I thought the worst of my depression was over now that I had been through the worst of it. I was wrong yet again.

        "This tendency to avoid problems and emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness" - M. Scott Peck
This was my thinking for most of my life. I always was intent on avoiding depression. I thought, 'this could never happen to me. I will never attempt suicide.' Funny how things turned out. I am glad that I went through this because it has taught me humility and it has taught me that I am never alone and I will never keep everything inside again. That is why I am sharing my experience with the public. When you fall, pick yourself up. Keep fighting