Christ will always be at the center of my faith. A personal relationship with God is imperative but not at the expense of isolating one's self from the community and the body of Christ. We are social creatures and God made us that way for a reason. I knew this intellectually but I never put it into practice until the past few months. When one accepts that worshiping together with other believers is imperative to our spiritual health and walk with God, then one starts to understand the significance of communion and Baptism. I grew up thinking and believing that communion is purely symbolic and that nothing happens. Sure, we still take it because it's a command of Christ, but why does he command us to do so? John 6 is a great explanation for this. Also, what struck me as I studies the sacraments was what Paul warns of in 1 Corinthians 11:29-31. Taking the Eucharist in an unworthy manner led some Corinthians to become sick and die. This to me clearly indicates that the Eucharist is more than merely symbolic. Sacramentum means to make holy. A sacrament is where holiness meets the natural world. Jesus Christ himself is a sacrament and the ultimate sacrament. The Eucharist is God's gift to the church. We partake of an intimate communion with our savior and this is something I crave.
I do not mean to suggest that the Eucharist is the only means of salvation or that the sacraments in and of themselves save us. They do not. Even prayer is a sacrament. Through prayer, we boldly approach the throne of God and make our requests and petitions. I grew up making spontaneous prayers. I looked on scripted prayers with suspicion because I saw them as insincere and ritualistic. Depression blew this concept out of the water. Scripted prayers can become rote but there is a beauty and sincerity to them that can't be ignored. I become so depressed at times that words do not come to my mind. Just tears. This is where prayer books, the Lord's prayer, the Sinner's prayer, the Jesus prayer and the psalms completely changed all that. They spoke what was on my heart and it put a shot in the arm in my prayer life. It gives me discipline and structure, something that is sorely needed in my life. I have Aspergers (although very mild) and ADD and I have come to believe that this is where God has led me. He has provided for my needs and my personality.
I still have not decided if I want to commit to a liturgical church or not. I may decide to stay within Evangelicalism with some major modifications. My prayer life is liturgical and I intend to take communion in a liturgical and sacramental way as well. I have set up an Orthodox prayer corner with visuals, or icons. (side note: icons are NOT prayed to. They are prayer aides). The current church I go to is Calvary. It is a wonderful church with wonderful godly people and I have made many friends there. My small group is very important to me as they are my friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. They are fairly open minded when it comes to other christian traditions. Something that is pleasing for me to see within Evangelicalism is its dialogue with other traditions and its increasing awareness of how extreme individualism is damaging. It isolates us from the other members within the body of Christ. This isn't just Evangelicalism either. Many traditions have been influenced by our culture of individualism. Individualism is a good thing. But extreme individualism does not meet the needs of others in a community. Evangelicalism has it's strength in spreading the gospel and equipping others to spread the gospel. This tradition is also learning to build lasting connections and a strong community; including reaching out to other christian traditions who are also part of the body of Christ. I tend to look at Calvary with respect and praise because of the positive connections it has made with other communities.
I believe that I will be dealing with depression for the rest of my life. Maybe not at the same severity at a constant level, but depression will be there nonetheless. God is slowly but surely equipping me with the tools and habits I need to cope with depression. I still pray spontaneously but I pepper my prayers with scripture and scripted prayers as well. The communion of the saints has been a balm for my wounds. Knowing that the body of Christ encompasses those on heaven and on earth is very comforting. My aunt, whom I have great respect for, has said that we don't pray TO the saints but ask them to pray for us much like we would ask a friend to pray for us. 'The prayer of a righteous person bears much fruit.' Many of my protestant friends wouldn't agree with this but that is okay. If that doesn't help your walk with God then I wouldn't force that on you. Each one of us is different and God brings us through different paths and different trials. Sometimes those paths will take us across denominational lines. I will NEVER abandon Christ nor my faith. This is where God has led me. Where He leads me next is a great adventure. It may be filled with pain and suffering but there will be growth and joy as well. Glory to God in all things!
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