Disruptions

     Something that really tests my faith, routines, hopes and patience is depression. It is not uncommon for me to descend into such a depression that I get suicidal thoughts. This is where my Orthodox prayer book has started to help me. It forces me to focus on Christ and away from my wants. Before I ever thought of scripted prayer, I have always prayed spontaneously. I still do but I temper it with scripted prayers to help me focus. For me, if I always pray spontaneously while in a deep depression, no words come to mind.
     I've never been a patient person. I struggle a lot with self hate; particularly with parts of my personality. It helps me to realize and see what a broken person I am and my need for a savior. A savior who meets me in worship and heals me.
    A life of prayer and communion with God is my answer to depression. There will be pain. There is always pain. God never promises us an easy life. He does promise to always be with us and never forsake us. This is very comforting especially in times of intense depression and loneliness. Another comfort is that the church is there to comfort us as well. This is something that is sorely needed in my life because I tend isolate myself and hide everything about myself. I do not like expressing emotions nor do I like losing control of my emotions in front of others. My goal moving forward is to be more open to my close friends and family. Not open to the point where I'm careless or share too much but enough to let them know what's going on. Whenever someone asks me what's wrong I usually lie and say everything's fine or tell them I don't want to talk about it. Things have come up in the past few days that have been eating me alive and shaking me to my core. I intend to tell my therapist these things immediately because I cannot continue to hide constantly like this. In the meantime I will continue to pray. This is the one habit I am determined not to break.