Depression has been bad lately but I can honestly say I have a solid game plan to meet it head on. The good thing about feeling the same crappy feelings and emotions over and over again is that you learn how to cope with it and even experiment with different coping mechanisms. This is why I am thankful for Eastern Orthodoxy and other liturgical traditions.
A big reason why I am switching traditions is in fact depression. I do not find sufficient answers and practices within Protestantism to address those who are clinically or suicidal depressed. Now this is my own experience. There are plenty of Christians within the Protestant tradition that are able to cope with depression without switching traditions. My experience was constantly being told to 'give it over to God' or 'pray about it'. These are not sufficient answers for me nor are they sufficient answers for anyone suffering from depression. God has given us each other as coping mechanisms and He has also given us the capacity to seek help He has already provided within medicine and psychology. If you were sick then you would go to a doctor. Same for depression. This is one aspect and another aspect is the church interacting with the depressed individual. There is definitely a spiritual aspect to depression that simply must be addressed.
In many ways, depression is a core reason for me rejecting Calvinistic Predestination. For me, just accepting that God controlled my fate no matter what I did was extremely depressing and frustrating. Not only this, but I could never ever reconcile this within the bible. Sure, there are verses supporting predestination but there are many, many verses also blowing it out of the water. C. S. Lewis also influenced my thinking in this. He suggests that Hell is locked from the inside. God does not force you to go to Hell. Rather, You choose to go there based on your life choices and your rejection of God's gift of eternal life with Him. The Priests at my parish also transformed my thinking on the role of the church and God. We get help from God and meet Him in worship by freely cooperating with Him. The Holy Mysteries (Sacraments) are God's gift to the church. They provide us with an encounter with the Holy and God heals us. Based on what sins and/or hardships you are dealing with in life, the Priest gives you advice and certain prayers to meditate on. I read a few interesting articles about depression within various Christian traditions. The articles conclude that liturgical traditions within Protestantism, Catholicism and Orthodoxy are much more effective at dealing with depression and grief than non liturgical traditions. Part of the reason is because since liturgical traditions are more or less set, it forces you to focus on prescribed prayers and turns your attention towards God.
Spontaneity is important as well and this is where Evangelicalism has its strength. Protestants do a very good job of emphasizing sincere and honest prayer towards God and this has had a positive effect within Catholicism and Orthodoxy. I personally mix set prayers as well as spontaneous. Another positive effect I've seen within Evangelicalism is their emphasis of the importance of Scripture. I see this carried over in my parish and it makes sense since 90% of the Parishioners are Protestant converts.
The ultimate deciding factor for me switching to Orthodoxy is my experience of God in my late teens and early 20s. I always felt that God was intangible, distant and that my faith was purely intellectual and in my head. This is not the faith that I want. I want a God that I can interact with and touch in worship. The Mysteries let me do that. I want a God that meets me in my weakness and heals me. I want a life of prayer where I am in constant communion with God. And lastly, I want the discipline in my life to keep working out my salvation with fear and trembling. Orthodoxy is my home. It allows me to connect with the New Testament church and it gives me the Church itself as a support system. I want help in my walk with God and I want to help others with this as well. That is what the church is for. It is a hospital for sick people.
Depression makes me realize how broken and sinful I am. Something I have been taking very seriously is Christ's commands on worry and anxiety. '...Therefore do not worry about your life....Do not worry about your body.' Anxiety and worry are my worst enemies. They eat me alive in the worst times of life. I'm starting to realize what it actually means to lay my worry and anxieties at His feet. I used to think that just praying once was enough but I have to get up and carry my cross daily. This is what it means to cooperate with God. The partnership is not 50/50. God does most of the work. If you want a tan, you need to go outside. The sun does most of the work. I cannot and will not live a life imprisoned to fear and anxiety. I do not expect my fear and anxiety to go away overnight either. I must pray daily and endure.
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Disruptions
Something that really tests my faith, routines, hopes and patience is depression. It is not uncommon for me to descend into such a depression that I get suicidal thoughts. This is where my Orthodox prayer book has started to help me. It forces me to focus on Christ and away from my wants. Before I ever thought of scripted prayer, I have always prayed spontaneously. I still do but I temper it with scripted prayers to help me focus. For me, if I always pray spontaneously while in a deep depression, no words come to mind.
I've never been a patient person. I struggle a lot with self hate; particularly with parts of my personality. It helps me to realize and see what a broken person I am and my need for a savior. A savior who meets me in worship and heals me.
A life of prayer and communion with God is my answer to depression. There will be pain. There is always pain. God never promises us an easy life. He does promise to always be with us and never forsake us. This is very comforting especially in times of intense depression and loneliness. Another comfort is that the church is there to comfort us as well. This is something that is sorely needed in my life because I tend isolate myself and hide everything about myself. I do not like expressing emotions nor do I like losing control of my emotions in front of others. My goal moving forward is to be more open to my close friends and family. Not open to the point where I'm careless or share too much but enough to let them know what's going on. Whenever someone asks me what's wrong I usually lie and say everything's fine or tell them I don't want to talk about it. Things have come up in the past few days that have been eating me alive and shaking me to my core. I intend to tell my therapist these things immediately because I cannot continue to hide constantly like this. In the meantime I will continue to pray. This is the one habit I am determined not to break.
I've never been a patient person. I struggle a lot with self hate; particularly with parts of my personality. It helps me to realize and see what a broken person I am and my need for a savior. A savior who meets me in worship and heals me.
A life of prayer and communion with God is my answer to depression. There will be pain. There is always pain. God never promises us an easy life. He does promise to always be with us and never forsake us. This is very comforting especially in times of intense depression and loneliness. Another comfort is that the church is there to comfort us as well. This is something that is sorely needed in my life because I tend isolate myself and hide everything about myself. I do not like expressing emotions nor do I like losing control of my emotions in front of others. My goal moving forward is to be more open to my close friends and family. Not open to the point where I'm careless or share too much but enough to let them know what's going on. Whenever someone asks me what's wrong I usually lie and say everything's fine or tell them I don't want to talk about it. Things have come up in the past few days that have been eating me alive and shaking me to my core. I intend to tell my therapist these things immediately because I cannot continue to hide constantly like this. In the meantime I will continue to pray. This is the one habit I am determined not to break.
Thursday, August 10, 2017
Becoming Orthodox
I have begun the process of becoming Orthodox. The classes begin September 23rd and run for nine weeks. Then there is a break and then I am to be christened and take my first Eucharist on Pascha (Easter) next year. It does seem like a lot involved but it makes sense. Being educated in the theology and ceremonies is definitely something I applaud and something I am looking forward to.
I have hungered for a deeper and more meaningful relationship with Christ and I simply wasn't finding within the Protestant tradition. Protestants have their strength in spreading the gospel but I find the care for the individual believer within the church to be lacking. I need spiritual guidance and discipline. Many protestants get this guidance through someone who brought them to the faith or through a fellow believer. This by God's grace is sufficient. However, I am very attracted to the idea of confession because the priest gives you guidance. Yes, many people feel uncomfortable confessing their sins to another person in the sight of God but is this not what the bible commands us to do? Confessing before God alone is a legitimate practice as well but I feel like this is half of the commandment. I need to know why what I am confessing is sin, how to identify these areas in my life, and, with the help of the Holy Spirit, correct them.
Ever since I left high school 8 years ago, I lost my routine, my discipline and my church. For a very long time, my faith was based on reason and intellect. I knew what I believed and how to defend it but it wasn't deepening my relationship with God. There was no mystery or sacramental experience and I had a very individualistic faith. It was 'Jesus and I'. I thought I didn't need a church. Because if it's all about you and God then what need is there for the body of Christ? My heavy research into the early church shocked me and challenged my traditionally held views. I was shocked to learn that the Eucharist was always celebrated as a central part of worship. Not only that, but it was always viewed as, in a mystery, becoming the body and blood of Christ. I was always taught that it was merely symbolic and a memorial. Another thing I was shocked to learn is that the church was always liturgical. Even the Old Testament Jews were liturgical so since Christianity came out of Judaism, should this really have surprised me? The last thing that baffled me was Holy Tradition. It was spoken of universally in the early church. I in good conscience can't ignore this. Tradition is frowned upon in Evangelicalism.
I am convinced that Depression is what kept me from falling away from the Faith because I was forced to choose between depending on myself and abiding in Christ. All I know is that I cannot live my life with Christ. There are still so many things I must learn. I can be very stubborn and prideful and anxiety is a huge issue in my life. Almost to the point where it takes over. This is the current focus for me right now. My favorite Orthodox prayer is the Jesus Prayer: 'Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner and save me.' It is a very powerful and biblical prayer. One that has become the first thing I say in every prayer. I will continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling as best as I can
I have hungered for a deeper and more meaningful relationship with Christ and I simply wasn't finding within the Protestant tradition. Protestants have their strength in spreading the gospel but I find the care for the individual believer within the church to be lacking. I need spiritual guidance and discipline. Many protestants get this guidance through someone who brought them to the faith or through a fellow believer. This by God's grace is sufficient. However, I am very attracted to the idea of confession because the priest gives you guidance. Yes, many people feel uncomfortable confessing their sins to another person in the sight of God but is this not what the bible commands us to do? Confessing before God alone is a legitimate practice as well but I feel like this is half of the commandment. I need to know why what I am confessing is sin, how to identify these areas in my life, and, with the help of the Holy Spirit, correct them.
Ever since I left high school 8 years ago, I lost my routine, my discipline and my church. For a very long time, my faith was based on reason and intellect. I knew what I believed and how to defend it but it wasn't deepening my relationship with God. There was no mystery or sacramental experience and I had a very individualistic faith. It was 'Jesus and I'. I thought I didn't need a church. Because if it's all about you and God then what need is there for the body of Christ? My heavy research into the early church shocked me and challenged my traditionally held views. I was shocked to learn that the Eucharist was always celebrated as a central part of worship. Not only that, but it was always viewed as, in a mystery, becoming the body and blood of Christ. I was always taught that it was merely symbolic and a memorial. Another thing I was shocked to learn is that the church was always liturgical. Even the Old Testament Jews were liturgical so since Christianity came out of Judaism, should this really have surprised me? The last thing that baffled me was Holy Tradition. It was spoken of universally in the early church. I in good conscience can't ignore this. Tradition is frowned upon in Evangelicalism.
I am convinced that Depression is what kept me from falling away from the Faith because I was forced to choose between depending on myself and abiding in Christ. All I know is that I cannot live my life with Christ. There are still so many things I must learn. I can be very stubborn and prideful and anxiety is a huge issue in my life. Almost to the point where it takes over. This is the current focus for me right now. My favorite Orthodox prayer is the Jesus Prayer: 'Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner and save me.' It is a very powerful and biblical prayer. One that has become the first thing I say in every prayer. I will continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling as best as I can
Saturday, August 5, 2017
A Fork In The Road
It has become clear to me in the past week that It is no longer an option for me to stay in the Evangelical tradition. I have been doing extensive research for the past few years and it has only intensified in the past few months. I feel God pulling me in the direction of Eastern Orthodoxy. As I have been talking with Fathers Stephan and David, they pointed out to me that I am already Orthodox in my theology and heart. I have not made a final decision as of yet but I am real close. I know that I want a sacramental and liturgical worship. The only question is which tradition?
I have considered multiple traditions inside Protestantism and tradition outside Protestantism. First was Episcopalian. I rejected this because Episcopalians have largely liberalized, change their theology and introduced teachings contrary to Christianity. Next I considered Anglicanism. I rejected this as well because one, there are no Anglican churches in my area and two, because they don't have a clear line of apostolic succession. Next, I considered Roman Catholicism. I rejected this for a few reasons. First and foremost before I say anything, this is not meant as bashing of traditions. A lot of my family on my mom's side are Italian Roman Catholic and I do not doubt their sincerity nor their faith and there are actually some doctrines that I share with Roman Catholics. This is simply what I have found in my research and what I have been convicted by. The first reason I rejected Catholicism as a possibility is first and foremost the authority of the Pope. I disagree with the Pope for different reasons than Protestants do. While I acknowledge the Pope as a bishop in succession of Saint Peter and as a leader of the Roman Church, I do not recognize his universal claim over all the sees of all of the other apostles. I consider him the first among equals among the other bishops but this is a moot point since the Roman Church split from communion with Eastern Orthodoxy a thousand years ago. I also rejected Catholicism due to the rising corruption of the church in the high medieval ages. Now this does not fully represent Catholicism today but it was a factor in my decision. And finally, I rejected Catholicism due to it's innovations in it's theology such as the Immaculate Conception, Infallibility of the Pope, Assumption of Mary, etc. I do not think that Roman Catholics are heretics as many protestants do. I see hope for the future and pray for the unity of the church. Pope Francis and Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew 1 are in dialogue for the first time in nearly one thousand years. This is a positive step. I admire Pope Francis' Ecumenism across denominations.
A dilemma I had coming out of high school and into my twenties was seeing the how many Protestant denominations there are and why. It ultimately comes down to a disdain and rejection of authority. I understand the protestant position because I grew up in it and I believed it. The abuses from medieval Catholicism left a bad taste in many reformers' mouths and they had legitimate grievances. However, if Catholicism is charged with adding to the faith, then Protestantism can be accused of taking away from the faith. I find the doctrine of Sola Scriptura (Scripture alone) to be untenable. In an old catholic adage, 'Every man becomes his own pope'. I will not go in to detail here because this post is not meant to be a theological debate. Suffice it to say that holy Tradition has always been a part of the church from it's beginning. Sola Scriptura is the reason why we see such disunity with the Protestant movement. 30,000 denominations and counting! If each believer truly has the authority to interpret scripture how he may, then why don't two people ever agree? 'Truth divides' is not an efficient answer for me. Jesus prays for the unity of ALL believers. Paul also says that the church is the pillar of truth; something that I see many protestants not putting in to effect. You can't have the Bible without Holy Tradition. Saints Paul and Jude make liberal use of rabbinical tradition and Paul exhorts us multiple times in his letters to 'hold fast to the tradition handed down to you; whether by epistle or word of mouth.'
As I tried attending different Protestant churches, I noticed a pattern. They seem to hold the bible up almost as an idol and claim that God only saves through the bible. If this is true, then what of those without the bible in the world? what of the church before our modern bible was compiled and ratified by the ecumenical councils? (which is also tradition by the way). God is not confined to the bible. The bible is a centerpiece to our faith, absolutely. I have heard it taught that it was through the Holy Spirit that our modern new testament came to be as it is today. I agree with this teaching but it is important to remember that it was the Holy Spirit working through the CHURCH. The interpretation of scripture is not to be decided by one man, but by the consensus of the church. In these points I have a lot in common with the Catholic Church. We are to trust Christ because the scriptures wrote about Christ. They point to him and tell us about him.
One thing I will say about Protestants is that they do an excellent job of boiling down the essentials of the faith. The reformation also carried the printing press forward with translations of the bible we can all read and enjoy. I probably never would've had an interest in the faith if it weren't for my dad. He is the spiritual head of my family. He is very wise and educated. We disagree a lot on certain points of theology but I will always give respect and weight to his opinions. He actually had a starting influence on my theology. He was the one who taught me to consider all the angles before making a decision and that is exactly what I practice. For those who remain in the evangelical tradition I again say I still and always will consider you my brothers and sisters in Christ. I do not believe you are heretics. Liturgy suits me because I do not like change and I need discipline. Spontaneity suits some people better because they get more meaning out of it. Liturgy is what I have always been looking for. I have found Orthodoxy as a tradition that is much better suited to meet my spiritual and emotional needs. I crave the mystical supper of our Lord. I seek a deeper connection to Christ and I believe I have found that in Orthodoxy. Our faith may take us across traditions. Some will be led to the Reformation, some to Rome and others to Constantinople. God knows each of us is different and we all come from different walks of life and struggles. His Grace is bigger than any single denomination. Orthodoxy is not perfect. Like any denomination it has its fights and bitter quarrels. I am continually amazed with God's mercy, love and care. God may not always have given me what I wanted but He does provide for my needs. I had been feeling the intense pain of suicidal depression and I constantly worry about the future such as how am I going to provide for myself? Will I ever find someone to love and take care of me? Am I always alone? The biggest question for me was this: How will I physically survive my next intense suicidal depression? God points me to the liturgy and answers my fears of change. "I am Unchanging. Do not be afraid."
I have considered multiple traditions inside Protestantism and tradition outside Protestantism. First was Episcopalian. I rejected this because Episcopalians have largely liberalized, change their theology and introduced teachings contrary to Christianity. Next I considered Anglicanism. I rejected this as well because one, there are no Anglican churches in my area and two, because they don't have a clear line of apostolic succession. Next, I considered Roman Catholicism. I rejected this for a few reasons. First and foremost before I say anything, this is not meant as bashing of traditions. A lot of my family on my mom's side are Italian Roman Catholic and I do not doubt their sincerity nor their faith and there are actually some doctrines that I share with Roman Catholics. This is simply what I have found in my research and what I have been convicted by. The first reason I rejected Catholicism as a possibility is first and foremost the authority of the Pope. I disagree with the Pope for different reasons than Protestants do. While I acknowledge the Pope as a bishop in succession of Saint Peter and as a leader of the Roman Church, I do not recognize his universal claim over all the sees of all of the other apostles. I consider him the first among equals among the other bishops but this is a moot point since the Roman Church split from communion with Eastern Orthodoxy a thousand years ago. I also rejected Catholicism due to the rising corruption of the church in the high medieval ages. Now this does not fully represent Catholicism today but it was a factor in my decision. And finally, I rejected Catholicism due to it's innovations in it's theology such as the Immaculate Conception, Infallibility of the Pope, Assumption of Mary, etc. I do not think that Roman Catholics are heretics as many protestants do. I see hope for the future and pray for the unity of the church. Pope Francis and Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew 1 are in dialogue for the first time in nearly one thousand years. This is a positive step. I admire Pope Francis' Ecumenism across denominations.
A dilemma I had coming out of high school and into my twenties was seeing the how many Protestant denominations there are and why. It ultimately comes down to a disdain and rejection of authority. I understand the protestant position because I grew up in it and I believed it. The abuses from medieval Catholicism left a bad taste in many reformers' mouths and they had legitimate grievances. However, if Catholicism is charged with adding to the faith, then Protestantism can be accused of taking away from the faith. I find the doctrine of Sola Scriptura (Scripture alone) to be untenable. In an old catholic adage, 'Every man becomes his own pope'. I will not go in to detail here because this post is not meant to be a theological debate. Suffice it to say that holy Tradition has always been a part of the church from it's beginning. Sola Scriptura is the reason why we see such disunity with the Protestant movement. 30,000 denominations and counting! If each believer truly has the authority to interpret scripture how he may, then why don't two people ever agree? 'Truth divides' is not an efficient answer for me. Jesus prays for the unity of ALL believers. Paul also says that the church is the pillar of truth; something that I see many protestants not putting in to effect. You can't have the Bible without Holy Tradition. Saints Paul and Jude make liberal use of rabbinical tradition and Paul exhorts us multiple times in his letters to 'hold fast to the tradition handed down to you; whether by epistle or word of mouth.'
As I tried attending different Protestant churches, I noticed a pattern. They seem to hold the bible up almost as an idol and claim that God only saves through the bible. If this is true, then what of those without the bible in the world? what of the church before our modern bible was compiled and ratified by the ecumenical councils? (which is also tradition by the way). God is not confined to the bible. The bible is a centerpiece to our faith, absolutely. I have heard it taught that it was through the Holy Spirit that our modern new testament came to be as it is today. I agree with this teaching but it is important to remember that it was the Holy Spirit working through the CHURCH. The interpretation of scripture is not to be decided by one man, but by the consensus of the church. In these points I have a lot in common with the Catholic Church. We are to trust Christ because the scriptures wrote about Christ. They point to him and tell us about him.
One thing I will say about Protestants is that they do an excellent job of boiling down the essentials of the faith. The reformation also carried the printing press forward with translations of the bible we can all read and enjoy. I probably never would've had an interest in the faith if it weren't for my dad. He is the spiritual head of my family. He is very wise and educated. We disagree a lot on certain points of theology but I will always give respect and weight to his opinions. He actually had a starting influence on my theology. He was the one who taught me to consider all the angles before making a decision and that is exactly what I practice. For those who remain in the evangelical tradition I again say I still and always will consider you my brothers and sisters in Christ. I do not believe you are heretics. Liturgy suits me because I do not like change and I need discipline. Spontaneity suits some people better because they get more meaning out of it. Liturgy is what I have always been looking for. I have found Orthodoxy as a tradition that is much better suited to meet my spiritual and emotional needs. I crave the mystical supper of our Lord. I seek a deeper connection to Christ and I believe I have found that in Orthodoxy. Our faith may take us across traditions. Some will be led to the Reformation, some to Rome and others to Constantinople. God knows each of us is different and we all come from different walks of life and struggles. His Grace is bigger than any single denomination. Orthodoxy is not perfect. Like any denomination it has its fights and bitter quarrels. I am continually amazed with God's mercy, love and care. God may not always have given me what I wanted but He does provide for my needs. I had been feeling the intense pain of suicidal depression and I constantly worry about the future such as how am I going to provide for myself? Will I ever find someone to love and take care of me? Am I always alone? The biggest question for me was this: How will I physically survive my next intense suicidal depression? God points me to the liturgy and answers my fears of change. "I am Unchanging. Do not be afraid."
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