Crestfallen

     Depression is like a darkness that won't stop advancing until it has consumed you completely. I often struggle holding onto hope. Rage often flares up over a past hurt. It drains all my energy and I don't know how to let go. I honestly don't see how I can let this pass. And yet I know it is like an anchor that drowns me.
      I hide everything I feel and fear because I have an extremely hard time trusting people. I feel that if I truly aired out everything I felt, I would be thrown in a psych ward. Depression truly is the hardest thing I have ever fought. I feel depressed even when good things happen to me, because I am so used to feeling this way. I often feel guilty for the way I feel because it seems like a christian should never have these kind of thoughts. I just feel so utterly lonely and in despair. I see people younger than me getting married and being happy and it eats me alive. Depression is psychological and emotional torture. Depression is a darkness that presses in all around me and suffocates me. It pushes hope and words out of me. It bleeds and pierces so deep into my being that it leaves me speechless and in tears

This Side Of Heaven

      Confidence is virtually nonexistent during depression. I remember always beating myself down whenever I tried to believe in myself or think positive. I still do that a lot. In depression, negativity has a pretty big advantage over positivity. However, the reality is that there is always something to give thanks for in your life. I for example am finding out my gifts and strengths which God has blessed me with. When I make a friendship, the bond is super strong and they become very important to me in my life. I have more close friends than I have friends, if that makes sense.
     When you put your trust in Christ, even your pains and trials become blessings. For me, it gives me confidence and strength to endure through the sharp pains of depression. Does that mean there aren't tears? Definitely not. It just means that there's a light at the end of the tunnel and that I don't suffer in vain. I grow stronger each day. I don't think that I'll truly know how God uses depression in my life this side of heaven. Yes, I have gained a lot of insight on how God has used it to my benefit but I won't know everything.
      I am currently learning how to give up my dreams to the Lord because it has caused me nonstop pain for most of my life. I withhold them from God because I am afraid that He'll just throw them to the side and they won't come true. That scares me to death. I know the desire of my heart. It's okay to have desires but not when it gets to the point where you put it above God. That is my sin and also my trial. I try to remind myself that life is short but then I start to think, 'exactly. Get a wife while you're young.' It's always been my dream to marry young. I am fully aware that there are steps but I'm so frustrated and angry because no matter what I do, I can't even get to the first step. I've never been able to. All I can think is that my love life is barren and nonexistent. Everything I've done has failed and it drives me to tears. Loneliness is an issue I can't seem to solve. I have absolutely no words when it comes to finding a solution. It has become the driving force behind my depression and what frustrates me is that it's a concept. I can't solve it physically with my own two hands you know?
      Forgiveness is another thing that hasn't come easy for me. Bitterness eats away at me daily. The event crosses my mind every day and I try not to dwell on it because it actually raises my blood pressure. It makes me angry and emotionally drains me. I don't have an answer for that either except to keep reading psalms. It's better than nothing. Both of these issues require a tremendous amount of patience and I think it's part of what God is teaching me. For His sake, I will endure. This is the closest we ever get to hell as Christians on this side of heaven.

Endurance And The Danger Of Negative Thoughts

      When I'm busy or working, depression doesn't impede me physically. Sometimes I'll go into a sort of stupor and it'll feel like my surroundings don't exist. Pain enters my mind and my heart rate rises. Anger over what has been done in the past will make me grip tightly whatever is in my hand at that moment. When I snap back to reality, I have to take a deep breath to calm down. Then I despair. I start to wonder when my life will actually move forward. When will I get married? Will I even get married while I'm still young? That's the most painful question I ask myself. It's extremely painful for me to see so many young people I knew in high school to be married and already having children. It immediately causes extreme anger and I think, 'this isn't the life I wanted. I was supposed to be married 3 years ago. The one thing I truly desire in life is a dead and crushed dream.' I don't allow myself to hope because I have no luck or experience whatsoever in this area of my life. It's a barren desert and it fills me with pain, shame and embarrassment. If I allow it to overtake me, It could once again lead me down the path to suicide. I never want to trod that road again. It's dark, cold, and lonely and it sucks away any happiness and hope I feel. It's dangerously persuasive.
       It is so easy to underestimate the power of negative thoughts. You can have them even if you aren't depressed. However, depression gives negative thoughts an unimaginable amount of power. Your strength and will to fight back is sapped thanks to depression and your negative thoughts are always ready for a counter argument for your positive thoughts. I remember the days when negative thoughts ruled my mind. Saying positive things to myself felt so useless that they felt robotic, alien. It felt like false hope. I don't fight the battle anymore. That doesn't mean I've given up, however. It just means that I lock both positive and negative thoughts deep within my mind. If I think either way then I will have resistance so I try to keep my mind conflict and thought-free believe it or not. I usually end up feeling like a zombie because of this though. I learned that that's a common attribute of depression so I was just relieved that I'm not insane haha.
     Negative thoughts can talk you into really irrational ways of thinking. It puts your mind in a fog and compromises your judgment. The way you must start to see depression is God's boot camp for life. He's preparing you for the future and he's shaping and molding you like clay. Even if I'm depressed for many more years, I take solace in the truth that I will never stop growing stronger while I am in the midst of depression. It takes endurance to get through depression. Suicide doesn't make me weak. It makes me strong because I've survived and overcome it. That is fuel and motivation I can use to make it through anything else life throws my way.

What Fuels Depression?

    So what does fuel depression? It greatly varies from person to person. Other things may come up as a result of depression. A lot of times, pinpointing your own personal issues can be hard because there are layers upon layers of complicated feelings and emotions. Something as simple as the loss of a job can serve for fueling depression. Or it can be something extremely personal from your past. A past event of my life is one of the big things that keeps fueling my depression. It has caused extreme emotional trauma and anger. I realize that my anger has been warped into hatred. I hold an extreme and personal hatred for something that our culture is responsible for. I will not state specifically what it is on here because it's too personal and difficult for me. If you are curious then you may message me. It's been hounding me for eleven years and I pray to God for peace but I have found none. It makes me extremely anxious and uncomfortable when the subject comes up. As a result, I have formed a deep mistrust of those responsible. It is physically and emotionally draining. It's as if my mind is hooked on it. I hate thinking about it but I can't escape it. It disgusts me. I am actively working on resolving this so I can find peace. My mind has been in endless turmoil for eleven years.
    Loneliness is another big thing that fuels my depression. I have attempted to end my life multiple times in the past because of it. I try not to think about it because it brings me to my knees and I know that Satan can easily use this against me. My mindset has been something like this for a very long time: 'I would rather die than be single'. I don't have an answer for this statement so I bury it deep within my subconscious. I gave up hope in this area early this year. I let hope die because nothing has happened to indicate that I do have hope. I have stopped looking for a possible mate because I no longer believe there is anyone for me. I'm just speechless when it comes to this area of my life. It's barren and dead and that has a huge affect on my outlook on life. I often avoid dissecting this area of my life because I am afraid what I will find but I must let it out because if I hold it in, then it will make me sick. It's an absence of intimacy and it feels like.... It's hard to describe. Just a deadness in my heart. I simply haven't been able to find happiness. Sure there's occasional satisfaction but in my mind, I know it will not last. I have no further words