Motivations Of The Heart

       Motivations of the heart. It's a concept we understand and yet many of us don't know the motivations inside our own hearts. It is quite difficult to pinpoint due to the fact that many of us have a hard time searching our hearts. It can be done, however. I asked myself a series of simple questions. What do you want out of life? Are you hopeless? Do you question God's forgiveness? The list goes on. I answered these questions with painfully honest responses. There is no doubt in my mind that I am a sinner and I am very selfish. Even if I don't project it outwards. However, I am very thankful that the Lord has revealed these things to me. It reaffirms to me that I am saved and God does care. I had tried to search my heart before but it was without the help of scripture. It was on my own discretion. I don't feel bad or ashamed at all for revealing this because as you are reading this, I can guarantee that you have sin in your life. It's up to you to pinpoint it and resolve it. I am going to take action and do my best to remove these thorns. They hurt and cause me severe emotional pain.
    In my mind, I often jump to conclusions too quickly. I try to predetermine how a person will react if I said something to them. If it turns out bad in my mind, then I keep it to myself. The plain truth is, I cannot predict how one will react until I play out the actual scenario in reality. I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I had just taken risks. Sure, I took risks in the past. But that was while I was depressed and my attempts to get a girlfriend have been rather clumsy. I currently am speechless from pain when I confront that subject. My hope has been dashed against the rocks repeatedly so I decided to kill it. I am scared to hope. It has paralyzed me. This root of depression pierces so deep that I have created an emotional wall around it to protect myself from pain. I have tried to uproot it in the past but the pain becomes so severe that my heart pounds and I burst into tears, unable to breathe. I have often hesitated to share this with anybody because it is a source of deep shame, pain, and embarrassment for me. When somebody tells me, 'All you need is Christ', I know that is true in my heart of hearts but my flesh denies it adamantly. It's my greatest struggle. The good thing is that I have more insight into my own sins. Do you have the courage to examine your own heart? 

Why Is There Suffering? Is God There During Pain?

         When we get depressed, we always question the reason for our suffering. We ask age-old questions such as 'Is there a God? Why is this happening to me?' I actually resisted asking questions about God's existence. Mine were centered more around, 'How long must I endure this? Why me?' I still struggle with these questions at times but I am somewhat relieved when I remember what the bible says about suffering. We are commanded to rejoice when affliction come upon us because this means that God is testing us and shaping us to become more like Him! Now, for those of you still suffering, you may scoff at this statement but do not take it lightly. People yearn for a cause for their suffering. Many people see suffering as needless and cruel. It may seem cruel to our human point of view but God knows what He's doing. He has not forgotten about you. Jesus is referred as a 'man of sorrows' He suffered things many of us can only imagine. Severe pain unto death, betrayal, persecution, isolation for 40 days, temptation, loneliness. Those are but a few examples. I can't imagine suffering that much but it is a comfort to know that Jesus knows what I am going through. It's hard to be positive when you are filled with so much sadness and heartbreak. Just know that God is in control and He is fully capable of turning suffering and tragedies into something wonderful. I f we had no trials, then we wouldn't grow and we'd be without hope. Suffering is present for many reasons, We live in a fallen world but God is at work daily.
        I have often tried to pinpoint the reasons/causes for my depression. I came up with more byproducts than reasons. Depression slowly tightened it's grip on me over time. I would say that loneliness and lack of intimacy with others and God are the top causes of my depression. I must confess that there are things that perplex me. As I deal with depression, I find more and more hurt and conflict bubbling up from my past. I have many spiritual conflicts within myself. It is safe to say that I am in the grip of resentment and bitterness. I have been extremely stubborn and unforgiving. I acknowledge my sins and I endeavor to resolve these conflicts. A past event in my life has cut me so deep that I have had emotional and psychological problems for more than half of my life. That is the root of my unforgiveness. I have buried it for too long. It is clear to me that God wants this resolved. I've often prayed why this ever happened to me because it was so personal and it shattered my heart and my self confidence as well as how I see myself. I have to have faith in the lord and I do have hope. One day, I will get a new body. One that is holy and free from the clutches of sin and sorrow. Until that day comes, I will accept whatever trials the lord puts me through. It just means that he loves me and has special plans for me.
      More and more, I feel fulfilled by helping others who are suffering. Sharing the gospel to the broken is awesome. It gives people hope; a true and tangible hope.God is definitely there during times of suffering. God speaks loudest when our suffering is at it's greatest. You must push past the pain and be willing to listen. Passivity is something you cannot afford when it comes to your soul. Jesus urges immediate action when it comes to conflicts. I have failed many times in heeding his advice and I have paid dearly. The costs include bitterness, envy, anger..... and those are just the emotional consequences. Suffering can be a result of sin. Is it always sin? I think not. If you look in the book of Job, it says that God allowed Satan to cause great suffering for Job. Pinpointing Satan as responsible for suffering is very tricky business. I believe God only put that in His word to show us that Satan is very real and he constantly tries to bring us down. We may learn some reasons for our suffering but God often doesn't reveal everything to us. I look forward to asking Him when I get to heaven. Train yourself to rejoice and praise God during trials and tribulation. It's his way of teaching us to become more like Him. You have two choices: You can either learn from your pain or you can succumb to it. What will you choose?

The State Of Things

      It has been quite a roller coaster this past month. The days leading up to my birthday were not very pleasant at all. My mood took a nose dive and I even had some suicidal thoughts. I often get depressed on holidays because it intensifies my feelings of loneliness. However, when my birthday came, I did have quite a good time. As you get older, you start to appreciate the people in your life more than your gifts.
     After my birthday, depression came back. It hits me with feelings of loneliness, anger, resentment, despair, and heartache. Even worse, I have begun to notice that the roots of my depression have begun to interfere greatly with my relationship with God. Forgiveness hasn't come easy for me. More than ever, I am confused. I start to ask myself, 'am I actually forgiving? Am I doing this right?'. I also have great difficulty with placing my trust in God. Meaning that I've been having trouble trusting Him to take care of things. My desire for a girlfriend is so intense that I shake and burst into tears whenever I think about it so I bury it. I don't want to wait ten years. I am extremely impatient and frustrated. I have also been questioning if I am truly saved or not. Being unsure about my faith scares me to death. I have spent numerous evenings in self reflection. I do acknowledge that I am a sinner. I definitely need a savior and that is Jesus Christ. I guess what frustrates me is when I fall short of my standards and sin. I am really hard on myself when I screw up and I always feel a crushing guilt. I know God will forgive me but I have this idea in my head that He's just disappointed with me. I do try to follow His commandments. Maybe my flaw is following His rules rather than following Him. I have sought out counsel from my pastor. He is truly a blessing because I look up to him as a spiritual mentor. I really have to focus on Christ. I am going to trust Him to do the rest. God knows I'll slip up. I'm human. It's no surprise to Him. I forget that often. I have really cracked down and started focusing on Christ by reading the bible each night, attending church and doing a bible study with my youth pastor. I find it quite enlightening and refreshing to be in God's word. I need to focus on uprooting the roots of my depression. They stubbornly dig deeper. I will never stop fighting

Lost

     Things have been so dark. Every time a special occasion comes around, I have been unable to enjoy it due to the intense feelings of loneliness and hopelessness. Even my own birthday has brought me intense hurt and sadness. It brings of visions and memories of being lonely. Memories of when I had plans to end my life on my birthday last year. I find it so hard to focus on God because I have a super hard time trusting in Him. I worry that the plans He has for my life don't include a wife. That is a thought I cannot bear and it is the reason and the cause for suicidal thoughts. My mind is so heavy with negative thoughts, intense sorrow, and pain. I see so many people around me getting married and it increases my sense of isolation. I can't think straight without great effort. I suppress these fears and sorrows so that I can function daily but it keeps coming back. If it doesn't come to my conscious mind then it plagues me with nightmares each and every night. I don't often talk about this because it hurts so bad that it's become a direct path to deep depression. I hide behind a mask I present to the world and pretend daily that everything's okay. It's not.
       I judge and criticize myself a lot. It makes me feel guilty but I feel that I deserve it. Every time I stumble in path toward God, I berate myself for it. Even over little things. I fear this may be a side effect of depression. I have never had depression that has lasted this long. It doesn't really frighten me because I've become accustomed to it. Yet, my emotional reserves become immediately drained when depression attacks. I am at a point where I surrender. I need God and I can't do this on my own. I am in constant turmoil and I am lost in darkness. I want peace. Real peace and I want to move forward with life.