Patterns

    For me, depression has been a lot like the ocean tide. It waxes and it wanes. Yet, I still feel it even when I'm at my highest mood. I admit, depression has given me a somewhat cynical view of the world and life.  But my biblical view colors my perspective as well. I see the world as merciless and inherently evil. I see life as nothing but a trial to be overcome. This view of life helps to shut out the pain I feel. This pain has never been fully blocked. Just numbed to the point where life is at least bearable.
      I find true happiness to be a very elusive state of being.  I don't understand how to even be satisfied. Most people obtain satisfaction and happiness by achieving their dreams. I understand this very well now. I am the same way. however, most people's dreams seem to be career related. Mine is different. My dream is to get married and have children while I'm still young. This is where the heart of my depression is exposed. I find this extremely difficult to talk about. Tears are welling up in my eyes even now as I type this. Having the kind of intimacy and relationship that a girlfriend can provide is the only thing I truly care to experience.I haven't even been able to make a single inch of progress towards my dream my entire life. It's led to humiliation, embarrassment, despair, extreme anger, and even suicide attempts in the past. It's gotten to the point where I get extremely uncomfortable being around couples.
      Suicide is one of those things where it marks you for life and it burns the memories of those feelings into your mind. Suicide is the end of the road. I am reminded of it every day. At the best it's just a fleeting thought. When deep depression sets in, Everything around me becomes meaningless and all the noise cancels out. It's just me and a deep sadness. Keeping control of your thoughts is difficult to describe when you're in this state of mind. It's like trying to put a plug on a geyser. The plug being positive thoughts you can hold onto and believe in, and the negative thoughts being the geyser.
    Do I see any hope? I honestly don't see hope, but I don't see bad things either when I look into the future with a logical mindset. I tell you the truth, I'm pretty much just continuing with my life to see if things get any better. Friends and coworkers help to keep me distracted and it helps keep the darkness of depression at bay. As for God.... I've become afraid of Him. I don't even know what to pray anymore because my heart is so broken and my confidence shattered