Sadness

     Depression has been pressing on my head like a helmet that's too tight. I feel so sad and hopeless. I constantly want to break down into tears because I hurt so much. Loneliness won't leave me. I always feel like a third wheel even when I hang out with friends because I know they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. That's what kills me. Being alone. My heart constantly aches and groans and I'm sick of fighting. I don't know what to do anymore. It just hurts so much. Happiness has eluded me for years. I don't believe in happiness anymore. I'm so used to feeling this way that I feel as if there's no other way I can feel

Abortion

     This is a hot button issue for many people. I would like to share my stance on the topic. I'm just going to go ahead and jump right into it. I am against abortion. However, I am not blind to the issue. I have studied it and I realize their are many moral issues surrounding this. Now many people who are for abortion are quite concerned with women's rights. I share their concerns. However, nobody should have the power to decide whether another person lives or dies; especially if that person is unable to defend or speak for themselves. If men were the ones who gave birth, I would say the exact same thing. This has nothing to do with being sexist. No man or woman should ever have the power to decide whether someone lives or dies. I am all for women's rights and true, it is their body but nobody gets to decide if the baby lives or dies. The baby is innocent. It's just the way it goes. If you don't want the baby, then give it up for adoption.
    Now what if the woman was raped? I sympathize with any women who had to go through such an atrocity. The rapist should definitely be brought to justice but again, you have to start thinking that the baby is an innocent as well. Doesn't the baby deserve to live?
     If you support abortion then let me ask you this. What if you were aborted or what if your mother considered abortion? The baby isn't a thing. It's a human being and that is the most precious thing on earth. I have a few friends who went through with an abortion and they told me that it was the most emotionally traumatic thing that they ever went through. You can tell yourself that it's your right but you are completely disregarding the life of the baby. That is a fact. I am not saying this to try to suppress your rights. I am trying to get you to look at all the ramifications. Women definitely go through some unique challenges. Like many of the decisions we make, they don't just affect us. I have respect for women everywhere for just enduring. I especially have tremendous respect for mothers. There is no love like a mother's love. I believe mothers definitely have a unique perspective on this issue. If you wish to talk to me about this then feel free to do so. I will respect your views. I only ask that you respect mine
    

Today

     Depression's been constant for 4 days now. It feels as if happiness and enthusiasm is slowly leaving my body. It really is quite draining. I guess in hindsight I haven't been fighting depression as much as I have been suppressing it. I am really afraid to confront the last part of my depression because it is very painful and I don't know how to cope or deal with it.
    I feel like I have made significant progress and I am slowly coming to terms with my anger and hurt. It may have taken more than a decade to see this issue finally progress but at least it's slowly moving past me. My energy is focused on just making it through each week. It still takes a lot of effort for me to get up out of bed. I have to keep moving forward. I have been very silent concerning the deep areas of my depression. I don't speak much about it anymore because I feel that if I told people how I really felt, then I would be thrown in a crazy house and people would leave me. I don't think people need or want to hear about my issues so I keep them to myself. I don't really know any other way. It's just how I am and How I've lived most of my life. I'm just trying to push through life, really. I just keep my head down and push through. I do take brief moments to look up and look around but I just see and feel pain all around me. I've even had an especially hard time reconnecting with God. I feel so guilty and filthy all the time and I just feel too scared to talk to Him. I've been having a hard time trusting Him because I've been severely hurt every time I try to resolve the core of my depression. It's really been a trial of patience and endurance. As long as I'm in the game, I haven't lost so I'll keep on fighting

Night

     It's been a long time since I've felt this sad. I feel like there's no future or no hope. Everything is just dark and grim. I've never been with anyone and that humiliates me more than anything. I'm just embarrassed to even be myself. I just feel so pathetic. I've had it with being alone. I'm sick of it and something better change soon. It's not like I've been sitting on my hands waiting for something to happen. I've been out there. Seeking a mate for myself but everyone appears to be uninterested or taken. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. It all feels like a terrible nightmare

Preventing Suicide

     What drives people to commit suicide? Well first off, suicide is considered when one has lost all hope. When I was back in high school and learning about depression in class I remember asking myself, 'How could someone even consider such a thing? How can someone lose all hope?' Today, I understand this more than ever before. The answer is simple really, and there can be many factors. Depression is obviously the leading cause of suicide. Usually a series of disastrous events in one's life leads them to this critical point. It's still quite difficult for me to talk about the reasons for my suicide attempts. Again, there were several factors. Not long after I graduated, I started feeling intense loneliness. The most accurate way I can describe it is like looking down into a deep black and bottomless pit. I felt cold and I shuddered at the thought. As a result, I started to depend heavily on my closest friends. I have a tendency to make more girl friends than guy friends. I learned the reason for this not too long ago. My psychologist said it's because I'm closest and most comfortable around my mom. Many people are like that. Anyway, one of my closest friends was a girl and I grew frightened at the thought of losing her. Long story short, I grew irrational and paranoid and I didn't realize I was in deep depression until it was nearly too late. One day, I found myself in the emergency room underweight and dehydrated. I cut on my arms until they were bloody. I wanted to hurt myself. I liked the pain for some reason. Tears were streaming down my face because I felt like I was such a mess and I had no intimacy in my life. I wanted to die. When I looked at my future, I saw a black coffin. I saw no hope and all I saw was my death. Another factor leading to my depression is instability. I had no idea what to do with myself after college so I slowly fell apart. How did I prevent my suicide? I can promise you that it was impossible for me to do it alone. I had and still have an overwhelming amount of support from friends and family. Being a pessimist is no longer an option. It's hard work with all the constant negative thoughts but I have to fight if I am to hold my ground. I refuse to go down that road again. It shook me to my very core. My friend and family gave me reason to live and I had a renewed faith in Christ. He is the only thing that is eternal. Everything was stripped from me. I wasn't able to depend on anything. Especially myself. Jesus carried me and I would be dead for 2 years had it not been for Him.
       So how can friends and family help prevent a loved one from committing suicide? First of all, don't take anything they say that hints of death for granted. Casually ask, 'Are you planning to hurt yourself?' Depressed individuals usually cave in because their feelings build up for so long that they just want to talk. They want help. Suicidal individuals see death as their only option of escape. Always be on watch for signs. Anything from change in behavior and habits to their daily routine. If an individual is determined to end their life, they may not divulge any sort of clue. Sadly, we cannot prevent this kind of thing all the time. When talking to a suicidal individual, be loving but firm. Don't just brush them off and direct them to a psychologist. Go with them. Show them that you care. Listen to their plight. I, for example, was very scared of telling anyone because I thought I would be shipped off to the looney bin and I thought no one wanted to hear about my issues. I was so scared of being left alone. I still am. But these are just a few ways to help you prevent the death of a person close to you. Suicide is hard for a lot of people comprehend, much less understand. I hope this gives you a glimpse into how to deal with it if it ever comes into your life.
       

Issues Within Society And Culture Part 1

     All of us have a world view. My world view is definitely shaped by my faith. As such, I have seen many things within our culture and society that I find disturbing and morally compromising. I will share a few of those issues today and more over time.
      I believe the American Dream has become tainted. True, all men pursue happiness, but at what cost? It really depends on what we pursue to fulfill our happiness. Many people pursue college and career as a way to fulfill happiness. It may satisfy you for a time, but it will not last because it is not eternal. What I am trying to say is if we pursue things in this world as a way to fulfill our happiness, then we will not find true happiness because it will pass away. Christ is the only way to true fulfillment. I admit that I struggle with this every day. I seek a companion to make me happy but I know in my heart that she can't fulfill my every need and want so I get frustrated and upset. It's really all I desire from this world to tell the truth. But enough of that. A solution to this is to sink ourselves into His word and all other things will follow.
    Another thing that is often overlooked in our culture is circumcision. I am a staunch enemy of this procedure. I will be completely honest and say that I hold nothing but hatred and disdain for this procedure. It is a grave injustice that males have no choice upon deciding their genital integrity when entering this world. I have researched this for have my life because it is a hot button issue for me and despite the medical benefits, it doesn't justify subjecting an infant who is days old to this procedure. It's not even integral to the male's health. It affects them for the rest of their life to some degree whether you are willing to admit it or not. I would only consent to this procedure if it was an immediate threat to the child's well being. I strongly believe it is up to the individual and no other person has the right to make such a personal and intimate decision for a male. Many Christians seem to be under the impression that since it's in the bible, then it must be done and it must be good. Keep in mind that the bible makes very clear that circumcision is NOT required of gentiles and has no bearing on their salvation. Salvation is through grace alone and not by hands of man.
      Political correctness is something else that is nothing but a poison to our society. It's intentions may be good but it weakens our morality and compromises our integrity as a nation. All too often have we been afraid of offending others. Something we must learn is that if there is a course of action we must take, then we mustn't worry about hurting another's feelings. There will always be someone who's offended no matter what we do. Do what is right and good in God's eyes. I of course recognize that throughout time, many people of different races and cultures have been subjected to injustices and horrors that white men have inflicted upon them. I am white. I believe what our ancestors have done to these different cultures is wrong and yes, we must make sure that we do not make the same mistake but we mustn't blame ourselves for something our forefathers did. It is within our power to change that. All men are indeed created under God and equal. Political Correctness is nothing more than excessive and unnecessary politeness.
     Well there you have it. I hope you enjoyed learning more about what I believe and I hope it makes you think about what you believe. I do not write this so that you may agree with me, but I write it to point out that there are many views to an issue. Thank you for reading!