Change Among Other Things

     Change is something I struggle greatly with. Even if it's something as simple as getting a new job. Luckily, the Lord has blessed me with a full time job. I just put in my two weeks at my other job today. I look forward to the new challenges but I am paralyzed by such dark depression. Loneliness as a feeling has gotten so intense that it terrifies me. Almost to tears. I don't ask anyone about their life anymore because when they bring up their boyfriend/girlfriend, it makes me really self conscious and extremely uncomfortable. I often retreat emotionally and socially (especially) to escape the pain but of course it doesn't go away. It's hard for me to make friends as well because I no longer trust people as a rule. They usually stop contacting me for no apparent reason
     Despite all this, the one thing I have left that I value is Jesus so I am forced to trust him. It's definitely not easy because I am not accustomed to waiting or being patient. It makes me want to kick the wall and scream but that's when you have to force yourself to be in God's word. Just praying for friendships and someone who cares for me.

Self Injury

     Many people don"t understand self injury such as cutting and it is not often enough addressed in our society so I feel it is necessary to touch on the subject. In truth, I never understood any of self injury, much less why someone would do such a thing to themselves until I slipped into a deep clinical depression. The two types of self injury I have a connection with are cutting and attempted suicide.
     Why would someone harm themselves by cutting? What prompts someone to do such a thing? Depression is hatred towards the self. I hated myself for a very long time. I had so many feelings bottled up inside that I had no idea how to express them so I started to slash my arms with a knife. It was a release for me and I got some sort of strange sadistic pleasure from it. It was an outlet for all my feelings of loneliness. It helped for a while but it's a only a temporary relief.  I usually felt disgusted with myself afterwards.  It only increased my self loathing. I eventually wore long sleeve shirts to hide my arms. I still bear the scars today. It becomes dangerously addictive after a while.
    I eventually started to plan out suicide. I will not go into detail about any plans but suffice to say that they were all violent and only involved harming myself and not others. Self injury is a serious issue and it's not something one can overcome by sheer will. Nor can clinical depression be overcome by sheer will. Anyone who tells you otherwise either doesn't know what they are talking about or they are lying to you. You need to get help if you feel this way. Nobody will think you are crazy and I know it's scary but it is definitely possible to beat this. You need to find a reason to live. God speaks to us loudest when we are suffering and in pain
   

Purposeful Living

      So many people today follow the American Dream. Have the best car, house, wife and life. While I agree that it's important to make a living, the American Dream strongly rubs me the wrong way. It is beyond selfish and materialistic. It's about achieving your dreams no matter what the cost. Even if it hurts someone else, it's okay to continue to pursue whatever you want. This the message that our culture conveys to our youth. I remember this being preached to me weekly when I was in middle and high school. I outright rejected this flawed philosophy. Our culture has a philosophy where we say 'eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die.' This philosophy is much older than we realize. It is found in the old testament in the bible. As a christian, I believe each and every one of us has a purpose for living. Our duty is to find out why we are here, what God wants us to do with our lives and pursue that goal with the fervor of running a marathon.
      What is my purpose? what does God want me to do? I am still discovering what God wants me to do but right now, it has been made evident to me that God wishes for me to study his Word and grow by following Christ. Depression took 4 years of my life. A pretty big chunk, but it served it's purpose and God used that to shape and mold me into the person I am today and I don't regret a single moment of it. Sure, there were times of indescribable pain but God uses that pain to shout to us. I resisted his will for me by trying to do something I was never supposed to do. I looked for any opportunity to jump into a relationship. So much so that I put it above Christ. That is when I realized I broke one of the first commandments. Idolatry. Selfishness. Greed. These are mixed in with depression so intricately that most people don't realize it. Jesus gave me a purpose and I live by this Catechism: 'Man's chief end is to glorify God, [a] and to enjoy him for ever. [b]'. That is what we were created to do. It is clear right from the beginning in the book of Genesis.
   As Americans, we greatly value our freedoms, but what we don't realize is that we're all slaves to something. We have this intense desire to be independent and we see ourselves the captains of our own destiny. In one sense this is true, but we all worship something and that is what makes us slaves. What do we worship? It depends on the person and their deepest desires. Some worship the self, money, work, even other gods. We all take on the characteristics of what we worship. For example, the ancient Corinthians of  Greece worshiped their patron goddess Aphrodite, the goddess of love. This goddess has a reputation for being highly immoral and promiscuous and that is what we see in the culture of that time. So many of us worship things that don't last and have such terrible and uncertain reliability. I used to worship relationships with other people but I quickly found out that it doesn't last. A relationship with Christ does and that is what I have really been searching for all along. It gives me purpose and an eternity and I know his claims for Deity are true. I have done extensive studies and research and I dedicate my life to him so I have purpose.
   I have prayed for a hunger for scripture and a desire to know God and he has answered my prayers and showered me with blessings in abundance. I don't know what God's purpose is for me yet, but I know the key to purposeful living and I will follow it with all my heart, mind and soul. To Christ be the glory forever and ever. Amen