Patterns

    For me, depression has been a lot like the ocean tide. It waxes and it wanes. Yet, I still feel it even when I'm at my highest mood. I admit, depression has given me a somewhat cynical view of the world and life.  But my biblical view colors my perspective as well. I see the world as merciless and inherently evil. I see life as nothing but a trial to be overcome. This view of life helps to shut out the pain I feel. This pain has never been fully blocked. Just numbed to the point where life is at least bearable.
      I find true happiness to be a very elusive state of being.  I don't understand how to even be satisfied. Most people obtain satisfaction and happiness by achieving their dreams. I understand this very well now. I am the same way. however, most people's dreams seem to be career related. Mine is different. My dream is to get married and have children while I'm still young. This is where the heart of my depression is exposed. I find this extremely difficult to talk about. Tears are welling up in my eyes even now as I type this. Having the kind of intimacy and relationship that a girlfriend can provide is the only thing I truly care to experience.I haven't even been able to make a single inch of progress towards my dream my entire life. It's led to humiliation, embarrassment, despair, extreme anger, and even suicide attempts in the past. It's gotten to the point where I get extremely uncomfortable being around couples.
      Suicide is one of those things where it marks you for life and it burns the memories of those feelings into your mind. Suicide is the end of the road. I am reminded of it every day. At the best it's just a fleeting thought. When deep depression sets in, Everything around me becomes meaningless and all the noise cancels out. It's just me and a deep sadness. Keeping control of your thoughts is difficult to describe when you're in this state of mind. It's like trying to put a plug on a geyser. The plug being positive thoughts you can hold onto and believe in, and the negative thoughts being the geyser.
    Do I see any hope? I honestly don't see hope, but I don't see bad things either when I look into the future with a logical mindset. I tell you the truth, I'm pretty much just continuing with my life to see if things get any better. Friends and coworkers help to keep me distracted and it helps keep the darkness of depression at bay. As for God.... I've become afraid of Him. I don't even know what to pray anymore because my heart is so broken and my confidence shattered

Insight And Shifting Of Focus

       Depression is one of those things that doesn't go away overnight. There are bad days and there are okay days. Today I am feeling okay but I am definitely having tension headaches from depression. I feel stretched thin and exhausted. Something that helps me with depression is hanging out with friends and to keep focused on that. I guess I feel rather lonely because my brother has a girlfriend and now I'm the only single person in my family. I try to keep away from my house as long as possible because of that. I don't really find anything in my room or any of my possessions entertaining. I see them as stalling tactics to keep depression at bay. It is a constant battle.
       Another thing that has helped my depression is studying the bible and strengthening my relationship with Jesus. He's the only one who can offer true, meaningful, and eternal comfort. I try not to share my feelings or worries with any of my friends anymore because they get frustrated and angry. That makes me feel isolated even further. My true friends are the ones who have cared for me in the good times and the bad. Instead of worrying about the future and dwelling on my intense loneliness and deep desire for a relationship, I've shifted my focus to depending on God and trusting that He has a plan for me. My parents are constantly hounding me to go to college. What they don't understand is that my most difficult times were in school. Not because of me being socially introverted but because I have extreme difficulty in learning. It's actually made me hate school and learning. I honestly feel that God is telling me that college isn't the path for me. I am okay with that. I don't need education to make me feel secure and smart. I have talents that you can't learn in school. I feel God has blessed me with caring for hurting people and other spiritual talents. I am honestly okay with having to get by financially on a full time job. I don't need the luxury of a degree. I can make a difference right here, right now. I just need to keep listening to God and to keep growing.
     My fight with depression is far from over. I'm okay with that. In the long run, it's God's way of helping me grow and maybe it's one of the few ways I'll listen to Him. If I have to go through this for the rest of my life, then so be it. It's a small price to pay. I'd rather be in pain and learn from God than to go through life ignorant and not knowing Him at all. I shall wait patiently and see what He has in store for me. There is no need to fear the future