Letting Go

         Change. It's something that has always been rough for me. I have my flaws. I desperately cling to the past and I am often frightened of looking towards the future. I am frightened of the future for quite a few reasons. I feel that the future is overwhelming and that it's ambiguous as well as uncertain. But something I learned is that the future is what we make it. In order to avoid feeling overwhelmed and out of control, the key is to take one step at a time and not to look at the big picture all the time.
       Change for me doesn't mean just physical change and changes of my surroundings. It means change in my emotions as well as my attitude. This is my biggest battle because my emotions and attitude have been so deep rooted for years. The further I go down to find the root of the problem, the more hard and painful it gets. But I refuse to stop digging until I've changed my attitude and feelings because it is vital in helping me get better and for me becoming a better person. Yes, there are days where I feel like giving up. There are days where I just sit in my chair overwhelmed by it all and I'm in tears. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't die when I first tried to kill myself. But I am alive for a reason. Depression may last for many years but each day I survive, I get stronger.
       Usually, depression makes people bitter and hardens people's hearts but it has done just the opposite for me. I am able to sympathize with my other friends who are going through something similar and it's made me realize how fragile life can be. As a christian, I remember thinking before I had depression that life is meaningless and that we were basically just waiting to die so we could go to heaven. But this is only partially true. Yes, material things of this world are vanity but we have a purpose on this earth. That is to do the will of God and to serve others in humility and love. If you make that your focus and pray on it constantly then you won't have a chance to be depressed. There will be times when you completely forget and that's okay. Nobody is perfect. Including Christians. The only difference between christians  and everyone else is that as christians, we are forgiven. We still sin like anyone else. We are no better than anyone else.
      Change can be good. It's still something I'm working on coping with. I still have severe anger and resentment issues which I literally have no clue on how to let go. Only God, time, and wisdom can change that. There are even grudges that I hold. Things that I feel are unforgivable that were done to me in the past. That is where I am in my journey in the dark. The difference is that I can see a light ahead of me. That light is Christ leading me the way out of the inky void and darkness that is depression