Depression nowadays

          I apologize for not posting recently. It has been quite a tough week emotionally. Depression is one of those things that can just drag you down. It pulls a dark cloud over everything you see and think about. It's like a violent storm that refuses to abate. Depression today for me is interesting in it's occurrence. It ebbs and it wanes. Sometimes I'll spend time wondering if it'll ever go away. Sometimes it's just so hard to go on. Depression is something that always has you reliving moments of your past that were painful to you. You spend countless hours dwelling on it. The only way to fight it is to keep busy no matter what. Even if you go out for a walk or a drive. As for me, If I spend too much time dwelling and sulking on my woes then I can easily slip back into a pattern of suicidal thoughts so keeping busy for me is a must. You just have to have hope.

       Forgiveness and letting go is crucial in moving forward out of depression. However, this is easier said than done. Both of these virtues are something that I am still working on to this day. I blame myself for many things that have happened. It's important to determine the source of this guilt and whether it's true or false guilt. Many times, especially during depression, it's false guilt because many people who suffer depression beat themselves up and hold themselves to ridiculous standards. But there are times when the guilt is real and that is when you need to come clean about it. If you don't then it'll only make you feel worse and it can be seen as a matter of pride and arrogance on your part. The Bible has great things to say about depression and how to overcome it but it's something you must be willing to pursue. It all comes down to if you want to be happy or not. Happiness is a choice. Happiness won't come to you if you just sit there and sulk. You must seize the day and break the chains of depression

The Vicious Cycle

           Depression makes each day nearly unbearable to go through. I was thinking a lot about suicide but I didn't have the energy to go through with another attempt at that moment. I gave myself an ultimatum: 'If I'm still single by my birthday, then I will make out my will and end my life'. I began brainstorming my will and methods of suicide. I felt like I was right back where I started. I gave up any hope of becoming better and I believed that I deserved what I was feeling. I was very critical of myself and I pointed out every flaw that I could find. My appetite completely left me once again. I couldn't stand facing this alone so I told some of my friends what I was going through and they convinced not to go through with it.

         It was a huge weight off of my mind to not have to make out my will or end my life but I wasn't looking forward to my birthday at all. To me, it just meant another year of being alone and forgotten. I saw myself as a very weak willed person and I found that crying was the only release that worked. I looked back on the past 8 months of my life and I finally realized that I wasn't weak willed. I made it through 2 suicide attempts and I made efforts to stave off depression.

          I was still very uncertain about my future. I still am. But I keep pushing through to find meaning. To find a purpose. That  is my task to this very day. I will endure and I will survive. I began searching for a new job to get my life back in order