Beaten And Weary But Not Defeated

    This past month has been very dark. Mentally and spiritually. I've noticed my moods can take huge swings. The littlest things can set me off. Like seeing a picture or a status update on facebook. That can easily upset me. I can go from being suicidal to really excited and determined and it has often made me wonder if I have bipolar disorder. I can see how I would because I can go to the deepest darkest emotional pits but I also have my doubts about me having this disorder. I may have mood swings but I don't get SUPER happy, and I know that that's an important attribute for people with bipolar disorder.
     I came very close to completely losing my faith these past few weeks. I got so angry and distrustful of God that I stopped praying altogether and I completely ignored Him. I didn't have any confidence that He had my best interests at heart nor did I feel that He even cared. I have been feeling so lonely that I feel neglected and unloved. Cutting God out of my life made me feel truly alone. I will describe this to the best of my ability. It felt as if one of my senses had been completely cut off and that caused me to go into a sort of shock. Even at work, I just felt like a zombie. I just did my work and nothing else around me mattered. I had thought about praying again but in my head, I have a habit of predicting how conversations will go and I predicted that it would get me nowhere so I gave up on the notion. I do this with people too. Especially with people I'm angry with or have had a fight with. But the truth is, I really can't predict what people will say. People have surprised me with what they have had to say and I decided to give God another chance. I started out by asking for forgiveness because I know I had been extremely stubborn and prideful. I ended up just laying all my troubles at His feet and I felt that I had reconciled with God and once again, I felt like He would watch over and take care of me.
      I still have extreme episodes of loneliness. I'm frustrated that things aren't moving forward so I am taking slow but drastic steps to make a life and living. I am doing research on possible bible colleges/classes to take. I am hoping to make new friends and to find a girlfriend within the near future. I am sad, weary and exhausted but I am not defeated. I have faith that if I keep God close to me, then I can achieve anything!