The Big Picture

     I feel that as humans, we often fail to see the big picture. It's not about my life, it's about eternity. I have for as long as I can remember, just focused on what I want and what I think that I need. A final resolution to my intense loneliness. I have thought of it for too long as a curse and it has been the driving force behind suicidal thoughts and attempts. I still have passing thoughts of suicide and I have often wondered if this is normal. My therapist assures me that it is and they will continue to ebb and wane as depression continues. They act like aftershocks.
     While it is true that these thoughts have often prevented me from seeing the big picture, I am still able to take a step back and look with an objective point of view. God will provide whatever is necessary to keep me alive as long as He wishes me to be. I have had pretty severe trust issues with God for the past few months. So severe that I had ignored Him because I did not believe He was doing anything for me or even listening to me. I was trying to get God to submit to me when it should've been the other way around. It made me realize something. You can't stop thoughts from entering your mind but it is ultimately up to you whether you listen and give in to them. I had become so physically and emotionally exhausted that I gave in to nearly every thought that entered my mind.
      Thoughts may just be in your head but they definitely affect you and some may be so strong that it is shown to others through your body language and expressions. I often get so absorbed in a thought process that all happiness will drain from my being and I don't hear or see anything beyond what I am focusing on. If you don't have the will to battle these thoughts then I strongly suggest you busy yourself quickly. It definitely works and it lets your mind rest.
      I have slowly but cautiously been starting to trust in God again. I am still learning how to let go of those desires and things I so desperately want and I gotta tell ya, it's the hardest thing I've ever tried doing. While the things I hold onto may be unique, it is not a new concept. Each and every person has desires they hold onto even if they don't realize it. Only by learning to lay these things before Christ can we continue on our journey to get to know Him

The Dark Days

     There have been many happenings this past week that are very significant for me. They have really changed the course of my depression. Unfortunately it has been for the worse. I won't explain the events due to it being personal but suffice to say it has made me feel extremely lonely. To the point where I feel as if I am going to have a panic attack. Loneliness is a weird thing. When it's intense, you desire to have someone but at the same time you don't want to be near anybody because you don't want them to see or think that you're lonely. Everything around you is just deafening silence. I'm on the verge of giving up everything. I don't talk to God anymore because I feel He doesn't help me and it's taking way too long for me to find somebody and no matter how hard I try, I get rejected. I'm angry at God for that. I'm done waiting I just don't have anything to say to Him. The pain's too deep and the depression is too strong for me to have hope. It feels like I've been dragging a boulder behind me for years. No progress on the relationship front and I just don't see any hope or happiness. Just pain and tears