Paths

     People take many paths to happiness. Or at least, what they believe will make them happy. Everyone's actions are influenced by their desire for happiness. And that's not always a bad thing. Everyone wants to be happy. However, true happiness is not so easily attained. Everyone sins while searching for true happiness. Part of the reason why people sin is because they believe the action they are about to commit will in some way make them happy. Everyone has sinned and everyone will sin in the future.
      In my experience, I found that attempting to find eternal or even temporary happiness in people or things other than Christ only lead to heartbreak, disappointment, and disillusionment. I still struggle to understand how I could possibly be satisfied solely with Christ. I do not believe my depression will end until I learn what God wants me to learn. It's definitely a journey. It has it's 'aha!' moments and it's frustrations. Plenty of tears along the way as well. I still strongly feel the pain of loneliness and I have an extreme desire for a female companion but I haven't been able to move forward at all. I try to block it out because it's the strongest part of my depression and has repeatedly led me to despair and suicidal thoughts. My goal is Christ but I have often veered from that path. I am lucky that He will always welcome me back with open arms. I feel safe when I am near Him. I guess what really baffles me is how can He be all that I need when he isn't physically there with me? I'm an affectionate person and I desire a physical presence. It's extremely frustrating. There are days when I feel so lonely that it becomes hard to breathe and I often burst into tears. I feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by friends because I know that they have someone. It's an issue I've never been able to resolve. The only choice for me is to keep moving forward and see what God has in store for me

Clinging To Christ

      I can say with confidence that without Christ, I would not be alive today to write this post. It is so easy to take a look at the world and get discouraged. Wickedness is everywhere and the pressures within our culture alone are staggering. Our culture always tells us to get the best car, the best woman/man, the best house, the best life. That's just one example of how stressful it can be when this is constantly on your mind. If I was able to re-define the American Dream, I would say that living freely in Christ is the real American dream. So many people are ensnared by the ideology that things, possessions, and people will make you happy. It's only partly true. These things will satisfy you for a time but you will tire of it and you will hunger for more. You will always be fulfilled when seeking Christ because it is the ultimate answer to life. There is always more to learn and there will always be people who are spiritually starving. Don't just preach the change; BE the change. People need to see the change in you and your actions. Actions speak louder than words.
      Depression is by far the most challenging enemy I've ever had to face because it has made me question everything about me and around me. It has shaken me to the core. Depression makes you battle yourself and it can even turn into a fight for your life. For me, it's almost like there's two people inside of me. One is my sinful and negative human nature and the other person is who Christ wants me to be. I battle with thoughts every day such as 'You will never feel fulfilled or happy in this life.' Now at this point I have 2 choices. I can either feed this negative thought or starve it.If I feed it, thoughts become feelings and those feelings constantly drain my willpower and happiness until I am forced into action. Or I can ignore it and tell myself the opposite. 'You don't know that. Only God knows your future and He wants what is best for you.' So I keep pushing forward however painful it may be. If I don't push forward, I can easily be threatened with my past memories and thoughts of suicide. Those will never escape my mind but I'm okay with that because it serves as a reminder as to what I've been through. If I keep clinging to Christ and keep my focus on Him, then I am unstoppable.