Silence

One of the worst things about depression is that you constantly feel alone and everything seems quieter as you constantly battle your negative thoughts. I have prayed so many times for peace and and freedom from the throes of depression but recently all I've been receiving is silence. Or so I think. I don't know what it is at this point. Maybe my anger and resentment has deafened me spiritually. It's scary to feel cut off from God. I haven't prayed for 2 weeks now for the sole reason that I don't even know what to pray anymore. It is clear to me that my depression will not end soon. My therapist has some homework for me to do. He wants me to write a note about what makes me so sad, angry, and resentful and then seal it in a jar and toss it into a river. It's supposed to be a symbolic emotional release and a start on the road down towards forgiveness. I consider myself very forgiving but there are some things I find extremely hard to forgive. I know I must forgive because I'm not only hurting those around me but I'm also hurting myself. And yet I find it very hurtful and insulting to me. Forgiveness to me is an interesting thing. It goes against all logic and against our sinful nature as human beings and yet it is a great gift you can give someone. Like the gift Jesus gave to humanity.

A Roadblock

  Holding a grudge is like carrying a ball and chain around with you. It has caused me so much bitterness, anger, pain, and grief. I've prayed so hard that I could just let it go and move on but it sticks to me like a leech. It has caused my faith to waver and it hurts just thinking about it. This grudge has caused me so much grief and anger for ten years but I am somehow unable to let go. It is definitely the strongest root of my depression. It's carried me very close to hate and I am at a loss as of what to do at this point. It's so exhausting even thinking about it because I will just go into a tailspin and then I'll be in tears. I feel my only option is to forget about it but this has been very hard to do seeing as it affects me everyday. Only God can heal me at this point but it appears that he wants me to go through this for some reason. I literally feel like screaming and it's hard not to wonder, 'why me?' It's my burden and I will bear it. However I am unsure how much longer I can bear it before another breakdown happens. Only time will tell and I need as many prayers as I can get.

Letting Go

         Change. It's something that has always been rough for me. I have my flaws. I desperately cling to the past and I am often frightened of looking towards the future. I am frightened of the future for quite a few reasons. I feel that the future is overwhelming and that it's ambiguous as well as uncertain. But something I learned is that the future is what we make it. In order to avoid feeling overwhelmed and out of control, the key is to take one step at a time and not to look at the big picture all the time.
       Change for me doesn't mean just physical change and changes of my surroundings. It means change in my emotions as well as my attitude. This is my biggest battle because my emotions and attitude have been so deep rooted for years. The further I go down to find the root of the problem, the more hard and painful it gets. But I refuse to stop digging until I've changed my attitude and feelings because it is vital in helping me get better and for me becoming a better person. Yes, there are days where I feel like giving up. There are days where I just sit in my chair overwhelmed by it all and I'm in tears. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't die when I first tried to kill myself. But I am alive for a reason. Depression may last for many years but each day I survive, I get stronger.
       Usually, depression makes people bitter and hardens people's hearts but it has done just the opposite for me. I am able to sympathize with my other friends who are going through something similar and it's made me realize how fragile life can be. As a christian, I remember thinking before I had depression that life is meaningless and that we were basically just waiting to die so we could go to heaven. But this is only partially true. Yes, material things of this world are vanity but we have a purpose on this earth. That is to do the will of God and to serve others in humility and love. If you make that your focus and pray on it constantly then you won't have a chance to be depressed. There will be times when you completely forget and that's okay. Nobody is perfect. Including Christians. The only difference between christians  and everyone else is that as christians, we are forgiven. We still sin like anyone else. We are no better than anyone else.
      Change can be good. It's still something I'm working on coping with. I still have severe anger and resentment issues which I literally have no clue on how to let go. Only God, time, and wisdom can change that. There are even grudges that I hold. Things that I feel are unforgivable that were done to me in the past. That is where I am in my journey in the dark. The difference is that I can see a light ahead of me. That light is Christ leading me the way out of the inky void and darkness that is depression