The hardest thing about being a Christian, at least for me, is having my will clash with God's will. In the past month, I have had the core (and in many cases the cause) of my depression come back to haunt me with a vengeance. I had thought that I dealt with this many years ago but God has made it clear to me that I had just blocked it out and buried it just so I could function. Something that absolutely cripples me is my desire to have a wife. These feelings just started developing and it scared me to death when I felt them for the first time in years. I do not react in a healthy way to these feelings. Suicidal thoughts often accompany these feelings because I feel extremely powerless due to constant rejection over the past 8 years. I have prayed and pleaded with God to take these feelings away but His answer has been no. I think He wants me to deal with these feelings. The problem is I have absolutely no idea how.
I have argued and raged against God because I am frightened that He won't give me what I desire and I would die alone. My dilemma is this: What if God's will for me is down I path I do not wish to go? Why would He give me these desires if He's going to ignore them? I know God wants the best for me. The hardest prayer that I literally have to force myself to pray is this: Your will be done.
I feel like I'm in a fog. I don't know God's will for me concerning this. All I know is that I want God first in my life. I understand I have to deal with these feelings because this is no way to live my life. It will be like poison that devours me if I leave it be. I'm trusting God to take me by the hand and lead me through this because this is too much for me to deal with alone. I often have the temptation to just dive into a relationship but I know this would be foolish. I feel like God is testing me daily to see what I have learned and how I would react in situations. The two responses I get from God are 'Patience. Endure.'
Switching to Orthodoxy is a huge change for me and for those who know me, I do not abide change. When I make a change, it's usually life changing. Pieces of my life are very slowly coming together. Maybe this is how God works with me. It's funny because even thought I despise change, I am extremely impatient for things to get done. If God is really leading me towards married life, I think that Orthodoxy will help teach me the discipline and responsibility necessary for my life. I am slowly learning patience because I am realizing that I don't want to rush things. If and when I get a girlfriend, I realize that it may be many years and I can live with that. When it comes down to it, I have to seek God first. I also know that I cannot do this alone. I have need of those around me and the body of Christ. We are creatures made for community. I learned this when I stopped going to church for a prolonged period in my life. I had the 'Jesus and I' mentality. In my life group, I am continually amazed with the wisdom of my fellow brothers/sisters in Christ. We are all different parts of the body of Christ and we each have something unique to offer. This rings true whether you are Protestant, Catholic or Eastern Orthodox. I have friends and family who belong to each one of these branches. I go to my aunt in particular (she is Roman Catholic) for advice on liturgical practices and the meaning of sacraments. I have a tendency to make things too legalistic. She is extremely wise and knowledgeable and explains certain things with such simplicity in ways that I couldn't dream of.
How do I respond? How do I move forward when I don't know God's ultimate answer to my desires? The simplest words that come to mind just now is what Jesus tells us everyday. 'Follow me'