Something that's been burned into my brain is a promise I made to myself after my first suicide attempt. I promised myself that if I remained single until I was twenty five, then I would kill myself. This is still something I struggle with daily and it's the deepest root of my depression. I find it hard because it's not something you have absolute control over. For me, it's really hard to put myself out there. I'm a shy person by nature and I'm always scared that I'll make a fool of myself. Risks are something that you just have to take in life because if you don't take risks, then you won't get anywhere in life. I try to step out of my comfort zone at least once a day. Even if it's something as small as driving home a new route I've never tried before or talking to someone new.
There are still days where I have fleeting suicidal thoughts. Nights are usually the worst. It gets bad at least once a week. I'll be shaking and crying and I'll usually just stare at a wall thinking, 'I should've died at birth' or 'why didn't my first attempt succeed?' Afterwards, I start to think what I would've missed if I died in January. If I wasn't here today, then I would've missed out on being part of a wonderful new church and I never would've met the good friends I have there now. God will never give you more than you can handle. Sometimes I wonder if this will last my whole life. But I believe that going through depression is necessary. Like a metal, it's God's way of testing and refining us. Faith cannot grow without trial.
I currently feel as if I'm in limbo. A lot of the time, I'll be in my own world and my dreams constantly consist of having a wife and kids. That for me, is my dream. Following the lord is hard. It's simple but it can be very hard. Sometimes I'll find myself raging at him because I feel as if I can't move forward. I have trouble putting the lord first in my life. That is my current focus. I realize deep down that I am to blame and not God and yet, every day, I'll find myself clenching my fists in anger and I feel as if I could punch a hole in my wall. I have so many fears and phobias. My ideal thought of serving the lord would be to travel the world and help others in need. Even if they were in dangerous areas of the world. I truly have no fear of death. I have a great fear of traveling and I am not well learned in many things. I often need assistance and I am ashamed of it. I refuse to give in. I will continue to fight each and every day. I will resolve all of this hindrances if it's the last thing I do.
