Many people don"t understand self injury such as cutting and it is not often enough addressed in our society so I feel it is necessary to touch on the subject. In truth, I never understood any of self injury, much less why someone would do such a thing to themselves until I slipped into a deep clinical depression. The two types of self injury I have a connection with are cutting and attempted suicide.
Why would someone harm themselves by cutting? What prompts someone to do such a thing? Depression is hatred towards the self. I hated myself for a very long time. I had so many feelings bottled up inside that I had no idea how to express them so I started to slash my arms with a knife. It was a release for me and I got some sort of strange sadistic pleasure from it. It was an outlet for all my feelings of loneliness. It helped for a while but it's a only a temporary relief. I usually felt disgusted with myself afterwards. It only increased my self loathing. I eventually wore long sleeve shirts to hide my arms. I still bear the scars today. It becomes dangerously addictive after a while.
I eventually started to plan out suicide. I will not go into detail about any plans but suffice to say that they were all violent and only involved harming myself and not others. Self injury is a serious issue and it's not something one can overcome by sheer will. Nor can clinical depression be overcome by sheer will. Anyone who tells you otherwise either doesn't know what they are talking about or they are lying to you. You need to get help if you feel this way. Nobody will think you are crazy and I know it's scary but it is definitely possible to beat this. You need to find a reason to live. God speaks to us loudest when we are suffering and in pain
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Purposeful Living
So many people today follow the American Dream. Have the best car, house, wife and life. While I agree that it's important to make a living, the American Dream strongly rubs me the wrong way. It is beyond selfish and materialistic. It's about achieving your dreams no matter what the cost. Even if it hurts someone else, it's okay to continue to pursue whatever you want. This the message that our culture conveys to our youth. I remember this being preached to me weekly when I was in middle and high school. I outright rejected this flawed philosophy. Our culture has a philosophy where we say 'eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die.' This philosophy is much older than we realize. It is found in the old testament in the bible. As a christian, I believe each and every one of us has a purpose for living. Our duty is to find out why we are here, what God wants us to do with our lives and pursue that goal with the fervor of running a marathon.
What is my purpose? what does God want me to do? I am still discovering what God wants me to do but right now, it has been made evident to me that God wishes for me to study his Word and grow by following Christ. Depression took 4 years of my life. A pretty big chunk, but it served it's purpose and God used that to shape and mold me into the person I am today and I don't regret a single moment of it. Sure, there were times of indescribable pain but God uses that pain to shout to us. I resisted his will for me by trying to do something I was never supposed to do. I looked for any opportunity to jump into a relationship. So much so that I put it above Christ. That is when I realized I broke one of the first commandments. Idolatry. Selfishness. Greed. These are mixed in with depression so intricately that most people don't realize it. Jesus gave me a purpose and I live by this Catechism: 'Man's chief end is to glorify God, [a] and to enjoy him for ever. [b]'. That is what we were created to do. It is clear right from the beginning in the book of Genesis.
As Americans, we greatly value our freedoms, but what we don't realize is that we're all slaves to something. We have this intense desire to be independent and we see ourselves the captains of our own destiny. In one sense this is true, but we all worship something and that is what makes us slaves. What do we worship? It depends on the person and their deepest desires. Some worship the self, money, work, even other gods. We all take on the characteristics of what we worship. For example, the ancient Corinthians of Greece worshiped their patron goddess Aphrodite, the goddess of love. This goddess has a reputation for being highly immoral and promiscuous and that is what we see in the culture of that time. So many of us worship things that don't last and have such terrible and uncertain reliability. I used to worship relationships with other people but I quickly found out that it doesn't last. A relationship with Christ does and that is what I have really been searching for all along. It gives me purpose and an eternity and I know his claims for Deity are true. I have done extensive studies and research and I dedicate my life to him so I have purpose.
I have prayed for a hunger for scripture and a desire to know God and he has answered my prayers and showered me with blessings in abundance. I don't know what God's purpose is for me yet, but I know the key to purposeful living and I will follow it with all my heart, mind and soul. To Christ be the glory forever and ever. Amen
What is my purpose? what does God want me to do? I am still discovering what God wants me to do but right now, it has been made evident to me that God wishes for me to study his Word and grow by following Christ. Depression took 4 years of my life. A pretty big chunk, but it served it's purpose and God used that to shape and mold me into the person I am today and I don't regret a single moment of it. Sure, there were times of indescribable pain but God uses that pain to shout to us. I resisted his will for me by trying to do something I was never supposed to do. I looked for any opportunity to jump into a relationship. So much so that I put it above Christ. That is when I realized I broke one of the first commandments. Idolatry. Selfishness. Greed. These are mixed in with depression so intricately that most people don't realize it. Jesus gave me a purpose and I live by this Catechism: 'Man's chief end is to glorify God, [a] and to enjoy him for ever. [b]'. That is what we were created to do. It is clear right from the beginning in the book of Genesis.
As Americans, we greatly value our freedoms, but what we don't realize is that we're all slaves to something. We have this intense desire to be independent and we see ourselves the captains of our own destiny. In one sense this is true, but we all worship something and that is what makes us slaves. What do we worship? It depends on the person and their deepest desires. Some worship the self, money, work, even other gods. We all take on the characteristics of what we worship. For example, the ancient Corinthians of Greece worshiped their patron goddess Aphrodite, the goddess of love. This goddess has a reputation for being highly immoral and promiscuous and that is what we see in the culture of that time. So many of us worship things that don't last and have such terrible and uncertain reliability. I used to worship relationships with other people but I quickly found out that it doesn't last. A relationship with Christ does and that is what I have really been searching for all along. It gives me purpose and an eternity and I know his claims for Deity are true. I have done extensive studies and research and I dedicate my life to him so I have purpose.
I have prayed for a hunger for scripture and a desire to know God and he has answered my prayers and showered me with blessings in abundance. I don't know what God's purpose is for me yet, but I know the key to purposeful living and I will follow it with all my heart, mind and soul. To Christ be the glory forever and ever. Amen
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Concerning The Resurrection Of Christ
The resurrection is a topic that is still hotly debated today. The purpose of this post is to inject what I have researched and to shed some light on the situation. Now to be clear, I have a bias. I assert that the resurrection is an actual historical event. However, this doesn't make my post invalid. Everyone has a bias. Secularists have a mindset where the resurrection didn't happen. That is still a bias, whether you admit it or not.
Most scholars, secular and theistic, agree on a few basic points.
1. Jesus was a real person
2. He had followers
3. He was crucified under order of Roman Pontious Pilate
4. He was entombed
5. His apostles were scared, despairing, and lost hope due to the death of Christ
6. Many scholars recognize that the tomb was found empty a few days later
7. The apostles experienced what they believe to be a physical appearance of Christ
8. The apostles were emboldened by this and were willing to die for their beliefs
Now people have argued that what the apostles experienced was a shared mass hallucination. However, this is unfounded because there is no instance whatsoever of this ever happening in history. Granted, the resurrection hadn't happened before in history either but Jesus would be the only person capable of that.
I've heard arguments that Jesus wasn't really dead, but in a death-like state. This can be refuted because the Romans were reputable killers. They knew how to kill someone. And according to sources, after Jesus died, a spear was plunged into his side to make sure he was dead.
Jesus didn't just appear to the original apostles. He appeared before many and especially to two skeptics, James and Paul. Paul was a Pharisee and a known persecutor of Christians. He claims that Jesus appeared before him and Paul went on to become one of the most renowned Christians.
Now let's look at the claims of Jesus. He referred to himself as the Son of Man he said, 'No one sees the father except through me'. Now he is either a liar or he is who he says he is. Is there definitive proof that shows beyond the shadow of a doubt the resurrection of Christ? No, there isn't. But there is enough proof to make coming to the conclusion that Jesus rose from the dead reasonable. Christ's claims aren't just mentioned in the bible. There are at least 18 secular sources that from 50 to 150 AD detailing the claims of Christ and Christianity. I hope this will make you look into the resurrection because the implications are huge. I haven't covered everything about the angles and various parts of the resurrection but this post is just meant to get the basics down. For more details, I recommend you look into the book, "Did Jesus Rise From The Dead? The Resurrection Debate; Gary Habermas And Antony Flew" This is a good book that presents both sides of the debate and helps you to honestly look at the Resurrection. Gary Habermas is a renowned Christian scholar and Antony Flew is an extremely renowned atheistic philosopher of the 20th and 21st century.
Most scholars, secular and theistic, agree on a few basic points.
1. Jesus was a real person
2. He had followers
3. He was crucified under order of Roman Pontious Pilate
4. He was entombed
5. His apostles were scared, despairing, and lost hope due to the death of Christ
6. Many scholars recognize that the tomb was found empty a few days later
7. The apostles experienced what they believe to be a physical appearance of Christ
8. The apostles were emboldened by this and were willing to die for their beliefs
Now people have argued that what the apostles experienced was a shared mass hallucination. However, this is unfounded because there is no instance whatsoever of this ever happening in history. Granted, the resurrection hadn't happened before in history either but Jesus would be the only person capable of that.
I've heard arguments that Jesus wasn't really dead, but in a death-like state. This can be refuted because the Romans were reputable killers. They knew how to kill someone. And according to sources, after Jesus died, a spear was plunged into his side to make sure he was dead.
Jesus didn't just appear to the original apostles. He appeared before many and especially to two skeptics, James and Paul. Paul was a Pharisee and a known persecutor of Christians. He claims that Jesus appeared before him and Paul went on to become one of the most renowned Christians.
Now let's look at the claims of Jesus. He referred to himself as the Son of Man he said, 'No one sees the father except through me'. Now he is either a liar or he is who he says he is. Is there definitive proof that shows beyond the shadow of a doubt the resurrection of Christ? No, there isn't. But there is enough proof to make coming to the conclusion that Jesus rose from the dead reasonable. Christ's claims aren't just mentioned in the bible. There are at least 18 secular sources that from 50 to 150 AD detailing the claims of Christ and Christianity. I hope this will make you look into the resurrection because the implications are huge. I haven't covered everything about the angles and various parts of the resurrection but this post is just meant to get the basics down. For more details, I recommend you look into the book, "Did Jesus Rise From The Dead? The Resurrection Debate; Gary Habermas And Antony Flew" This is a good book that presents both sides of the debate and helps you to honestly look at the Resurrection. Gary Habermas is a renowned Christian scholar and Antony Flew is an extremely renowned atheistic philosopher of the 20th and 21st century.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Alone
Depression can be a paradox at times. I want to be left alone at times but then I also crave being around people. Not just people. Women. My therapist and I have noticed that I tend to gravitate towards have more female friends than male friends. I still haven't really figured this out but I feel that the intense loneliness I feel from being single has a lot to do with it. It's something I've struggled with since I was a preteen. It hurts me a lot. Losing myself in God's word has really been my only comfort in this world.
There are times when I get so tired and depressed. I grow weary of this life and this world and it becomes very hard for me to see anything good come out of it. It's so full of sin and fleeting pleasures. Christ is the only thing permanent, unchanging, and does not pass away. Just rereading this post has made me realize I am still in depression's grip. I must cling to Christ all the more. In the end, He is the only thing that matters. People and girls can only give me so much. Things I used to enjoy like video games and television don't hold my attention the way they used to. I only use those to pass the time. It's to the point where it even hurts to hang out with friends because they always mention their other half. I would like prayers to numb this pain. I don't really know what else to pray for
There are times when I get so tired and depressed. I grow weary of this life and this world and it becomes very hard for me to see anything good come out of it. It's so full of sin and fleeting pleasures. Christ is the only thing permanent, unchanging, and does not pass away. Just rereading this post has made me realize I am still in depression's grip. I must cling to Christ all the more. In the end, He is the only thing that matters. People and girls can only give me so much. Things I used to enjoy like video games and television don't hold my attention the way they used to. I only use those to pass the time. It's to the point where it even hurts to hang out with friends because they always mention their other half. I would like prayers to numb this pain. I don't really know what else to pray for
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Salvation
God doesn't promise to keep us from sorrows. Jesus is a man well acquainted with sorrow. He does offer us grace in abundance and is with us throughout our sorrows and suffering. My God is a great god. He constantly teaches me. Whether I am crying out from the crushing pain of depression or smiling while I hold my nieces, he is there. He never leaves me and he always has something for me to learn in each and every situation in my life. However, I learn best when I am deep in study of the Lord's word. He reveals to me things I hadn't considered or things that make me go 'aha!'. The most recent thing that has been on my heart is salvation.
One thing we forget and/or overlook is that Jesus doesn't offer salvation to everyone. ' For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.' John 3:16 We must believe in him to have eternal life. That is all he asks of us. This is difficult for many people to accept because they want to go their own way. I believe that as Americans, this is so engrained in our culture that it has made us stubborn and arrogant. We want to pursue our own happiness. That is natural. Even I want to pursue my own happiness. I thought that was finding a wife but does that really last? Is that truly stable and eternal. The answer is a resounding no. God's first commandment is to have no other idols before him. I am definitely guilty of breaking this commandment. I confess it and I repent to the Lord. I have become convinced that Jesus is the true pathway to happiness. He is the ultimate desire of my heart. I have no illusions. I know I will stray from this path because I am a sinner. It is so hard to keep focused on Jesus. Why? Because the flesh is desperately wicked and the world offers us so many temptations. Even keeping focused on the lord, there are temptations concerning our flesh and the suggestions of men.
One of these dangers is legalism. Legalism is the promotion of good works over grace in getting to heaven. This is something we all struggle with and sadly, many people believe that being a good person will get them to heaven. It's good to be good, sure. But Jesus became the sacrifice for us so whosoever believes in Him will not perish, but have eternal life. This is good news for us because it takes the pressure off in a way. It is human nature to want to do something in order to obtain something but we have nothing but rags to offer Jesus. Doing good works comes with the holy spirit.
The other danger is license. This is basically thinking 'oh I'm saved so I can do what I want and I'll be forgiven.' True, you will be forgiven but this is not without consequence. God will forgive us but he doesn't save us from the consequences of our actions. This ideology is nothing but 'license' to give into your flesh. We must deny ourselves and take up the cross.
The solution to avoid these dangerous ideologies is to find a medium between the two. I believe this is something nobody can truly master this side of heaven. The closer we get to God, the more we realize that we are mired in sin and how imperfect we are. My prayer is that you realize your need for a savior before it is too late. Following Christ isn't about rules. Christ came to save us from the condemnation of the law of Moses. It's about becoming the person that God created you to be and to be a light to others in a dark world. I honestly hate to see others suffer. I wish to lead them to the bread of life so they will never hunger again.
Depression has changed me for the better. I understand Christ in a way I could never have known had he not led me into this dark valley. He saves in more ways than one
One thing we forget and/or overlook is that Jesus doesn't offer salvation to everyone. ' For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.' John 3:16 We must believe in him to have eternal life. That is all he asks of us. This is difficult for many people to accept because they want to go their own way. I believe that as Americans, this is so engrained in our culture that it has made us stubborn and arrogant. We want to pursue our own happiness. That is natural. Even I want to pursue my own happiness. I thought that was finding a wife but does that really last? Is that truly stable and eternal. The answer is a resounding no. God's first commandment is to have no other idols before him. I am definitely guilty of breaking this commandment. I confess it and I repent to the Lord. I have become convinced that Jesus is the true pathway to happiness. He is the ultimate desire of my heart. I have no illusions. I know I will stray from this path because I am a sinner. It is so hard to keep focused on Jesus. Why? Because the flesh is desperately wicked and the world offers us so many temptations. Even keeping focused on the lord, there are temptations concerning our flesh and the suggestions of men.
One of these dangers is legalism. Legalism is the promotion of good works over grace in getting to heaven. This is something we all struggle with and sadly, many people believe that being a good person will get them to heaven. It's good to be good, sure. But Jesus became the sacrifice for us so whosoever believes in Him will not perish, but have eternal life. This is good news for us because it takes the pressure off in a way. It is human nature to want to do something in order to obtain something but we have nothing but rags to offer Jesus. Doing good works comes with the holy spirit.
The other danger is license. This is basically thinking 'oh I'm saved so I can do what I want and I'll be forgiven.' True, you will be forgiven but this is not without consequence. God will forgive us but he doesn't save us from the consequences of our actions. This ideology is nothing but 'license' to give into your flesh. We must deny ourselves and take up the cross.
The solution to avoid these dangerous ideologies is to find a medium between the two. I believe this is something nobody can truly master this side of heaven. The closer we get to God, the more we realize that we are mired in sin and how imperfect we are. My prayer is that you realize your need for a savior before it is too late. Following Christ isn't about rules. Christ came to save us from the condemnation of the law of Moses. It's about becoming the person that God created you to be and to be a light to others in a dark world. I honestly hate to see others suffer. I wish to lead them to the bread of life so they will never hunger again.
Depression has changed me for the better. I understand Christ in a way I could never have known had he not led me into this dark valley. He saves in more ways than one
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Musings On Heaven And Hell
Depression forces you to look at yourself spiritually. It forces you to ask the big questions like 'Is there an afterlife? Is this really all there is?' I believe there definitely is an afterlife and where you go depends on your choices in this life. Heaven or Hell
I will start by discussing Hell so that way I can end this post with a positive note. Many of my friends who aren't christian always ask me something like this: 'Why would a loving God send people to hell?' First of all, God is definitely the very definition of love but He is not blind to disobedience and outright rebellion. If God didn't love us then he would never have sent His son to die in place of our sins. Hell was intended for Satan and his angels but The Fall changed that. 2 Peter 2:4 "For
if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but cast them into hell
and committed them to chains of gloomy darkness to be kept until the
judgment;" The bible describes what kind of people are in hell:
Revelation 21:8 "But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars--they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death." Instead of seeing God putting people in hell think of it like this; It is your choice whether you go to heaven or hell. You can either reject God's free gift of eternal life or you can accept it. I believe that if people in hell were allowed a chance to get into heaven, they wouldn't take it because that is what they chose and they want nothing to do with God. That is very sad when you think about it. Hell will be a place without hope and love. Worst of all will be the eternal absence of the presence of God. That is truly the death of hope. Hell is a physical place where people will experience physical, emotional and spiritual pain. I believe one of the painful realizations of hell will be that if you go there, you will be haunted by the fact that either by ignorance or by choice had rejected God's gift of eternity. So He will create a place for what you have chosen in life.
Revelation 21:8 "But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars--they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death." Instead of seeing God putting people in hell think of it like this; It is your choice whether you go to heaven or hell. You can either reject God's free gift of eternal life or you can accept it. I believe that if people in hell were allowed a chance to get into heaven, they wouldn't take it because that is what they chose and they want nothing to do with God. That is very sad when you think about it. Hell will be a place without hope and love. Worst of all will be the eternal absence of the presence of God. That is truly the death of hope. Hell is a physical place where people will experience physical, emotional and spiritual pain. I believe one of the painful realizations of hell will be that if you go there, you will be haunted by the fact that either by ignorance or by choice had rejected God's gift of eternity. So He will create a place for what you have chosen in life.
Now that all that gloominess is out of the way, lets discuss heaven. Contrary to popular belief, you cannot earn your way into heaven. It is by faith in Christ and not by works of your own hands that get you into heaven. Heaven will be a place of joy and loving. Best of all, you will be in the unspeakable presence of the Lord. This is what keeps me going through depression.
John 14:2-4 "In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have
told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and
prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me
that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I
am going." I love how Jesus speaks with such certainty and authority. He is personally preparing a place for us in His father's house! I personally cannot wait to get to heaven.
Revelation 21:4-8 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or
mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed
away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything
new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy
and true." It is truly wonderful to know that it will not be the work of some angel to wipe away your tears. It will be the Lord himself! Now keep in mind that this is from Revelation and even when we are in heaven, we will still have even more to look forward to. Jesus will return to earth and make everything new. Notice how He says new and not restored. I can only imagine what that means! Another thing that really excites me about heaven is getting a glorified body. This frail thing will pass away someday and I won't miss it because there are certain aspects of my body that give me great sadness. But I rejoice in knowing that this life is only temporary. The Lord has given me hope and I trust in His word. I hope you found this post to be inspiring and eye opening!
Monday, June 10, 2013
Beaten And Weary But Not Defeated
This past month has been very dark. Mentally and spiritually. I've noticed my moods can take huge swings. The littlest things can set me off. Like seeing a picture or a status update on facebook. That can easily upset me. I can go from being suicidal to really excited and determined and it has often made me wonder if I have bipolar disorder. I can see how I would because I can go to the deepest darkest emotional pits but I also have my doubts about me having this disorder. I may have mood swings but I don't get SUPER happy, and I know that that's an important attribute for people with bipolar disorder.
I came very close to completely losing my faith these past few weeks. I got so angry and distrustful of God that I stopped praying altogether and I completely ignored Him. I didn't have any confidence that He had my best interests at heart nor did I feel that He even cared. I have been feeling so lonely that I feel neglected and unloved. Cutting God out of my life made me feel truly alone. I will describe this to the best of my ability. It felt as if one of my senses had been completely cut off and that caused me to go into a sort of shock. Even at work, I just felt like a zombie. I just did my work and nothing else around me mattered. I had thought about praying again but in my head, I have a habit of predicting how conversations will go and I predicted that it would get me nowhere so I gave up on the notion. I do this with people too. Especially with people I'm angry with or have had a fight with. But the truth is, I really can't predict what people will say. People have surprised me with what they have had to say and I decided to give God another chance. I started out by asking for forgiveness because I know I had been extremely stubborn and prideful. I ended up just laying all my troubles at His feet and I felt that I had reconciled with God and once again, I felt like He would watch over and take care of me.
I still have extreme episodes of loneliness. I'm frustrated that things aren't moving forward so I am taking slow but drastic steps to make a life and living. I am doing research on possible bible colleges/classes to take. I am hoping to make new friends and to find a girlfriend within the near future. I am sad, weary and exhausted but I am not defeated. I have faith that if I keep God close to me, then I can achieve anything!
I came very close to completely losing my faith these past few weeks. I got so angry and distrustful of God that I stopped praying altogether and I completely ignored Him. I didn't have any confidence that He had my best interests at heart nor did I feel that He even cared. I have been feeling so lonely that I feel neglected and unloved. Cutting God out of my life made me feel truly alone. I will describe this to the best of my ability. It felt as if one of my senses had been completely cut off and that caused me to go into a sort of shock. Even at work, I just felt like a zombie. I just did my work and nothing else around me mattered. I had thought about praying again but in my head, I have a habit of predicting how conversations will go and I predicted that it would get me nowhere so I gave up on the notion. I do this with people too. Especially with people I'm angry with or have had a fight with. But the truth is, I really can't predict what people will say. People have surprised me with what they have had to say and I decided to give God another chance. I started out by asking for forgiveness because I know I had been extremely stubborn and prideful. I ended up just laying all my troubles at His feet and I felt that I had reconciled with God and once again, I felt like He would watch over and take care of me.
I still have extreme episodes of loneliness. I'm frustrated that things aren't moving forward so I am taking slow but drastic steps to make a life and living. I am doing research on possible bible colleges/classes to take. I am hoping to make new friends and to find a girlfriend within the near future. I am sad, weary and exhausted but I am not defeated. I have faith that if I keep God close to me, then I can achieve anything!
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