The Big Picture

     I feel that as humans, we often fail to see the big picture. It's not about my life, it's about eternity. I have for as long as I can remember, just focused on what I want and what I think that I need. A final resolution to my intense loneliness. I have thought of it for too long as a curse and it has been the driving force behind suicidal thoughts and attempts. I still have passing thoughts of suicide and I have often wondered if this is normal. My therapist assures me that it is and they will continue to ebb and wane as depression continues. They act like aftershocks.
     While it is true that these thoughts have often prevented me from seeing the big picture, I am still able to take a step back and look with an objective point of view. God will provide whatever is necessary to keep me alive as long as He wishes me to be. I have had pretty severe trust issues with God for the past few months. So severe that I had ignored Him because I did not believe He was doing anything for me or even listening to me. I was trying to get God to submit to me when it should've been the other way around. It made me realize something. You can't stop thoughts from entering your mind but it is ultimately up to you whether you listen and give in to them. I had become so physically and emotionally exhausted that I gave in to nearly every thought that entered my mind.
      Thoughts may just be in your head but they definitely affect you and some may be so strong that it is shown to others through your body language and expressions. I often get so absorbed in a thought process that all happiness will drain from my being and I don't hear or see anything beyond what I am focusing on. If you don't have the will to battle these thoughts then I strongly suggest you busy yourself quickly. It definitely works and it lets your mind rest.
      I have slowly but cautiously been starting to trust in God again. I am still learning how to let go of those desires and things I so desperately want and I gotta tell ya, it's the hardest thing I've ever tried doing. While the things I hold onto may be unique, it is not a new concept. Each and every person has desires they hold onto even if they don't realize it. Only by learning to lay these things before Christ can we continue on our journey to get to know Him

The Dark Days

     There have been many happenings this past week that are very significant for me. They have really changed the course of my depression. Unfortunately it has been for the worse. I won't explain the events due to it being personal but suffice to say it has made me feel extremely lonely. To the point where I feel as if I am going to have a panic attack. Loneliness is a weird thing. When it's intense, you desire to have someone but at the same time you don't want to be near anybody because you don't want them to see or think that you're lonely. Everything around you is just deafening silence. I'm on the verge of giving up everything. I don't talk to God anymore because I feel He doesn't help me and it's taking way too long for me to find somebody and no matter how hard I try, I get rejected. I'm angry at God for that. I'm done waiting I just don't have anything to say to Him. The pain's too deep and the depression is too strong for me to have hope. It feels like I've been dragging a boulder behind me for years. No progress on the relationship front and I just don't see any hope or happiness. Just pain and tears

Patterns

    For me, depression has been a lot like the ocean tide. It waxes and it wanes. Yet, I still feel it even when I'm at my highest mood. I admit, depression has given me a somewhat cynical view of the world and life.  But my biblical view colors my perspective as well. I see the world as merciless and inherently evil. I see life as nothing but a trial to be overcome. This view of life helps to shut out the pain I feel. This pain has never been fully blocked. Just numbed to the point where life is at least bearable.
      I find true happiness to be a very elusive state of being.  I don't understand how to even be satisfied. Most people obtain satisfaction and happiness by achieving their dreams. I understand this very well now. I am the same way. however, most people's dreams seem to be career related. Mine is different. My dream is to get married and have children while I'm still young. This is where the heart of my depression is exposed. I find this extremely difficult to talk about. Tears are welling up in my eyes even now as I type this. Having the kind of intimacy and relationship that a girlfriend can provide is the only thing I truly care to experience.I haven't even been able to make a single inch of progress towards my dream my entire life. It's led to humiliation, embarrassment, despair, extreme anger, and even suicide attempts in the past. It's gotten to the point where I get extremely uncomfortable being around couples.
      Suicide is one of those things where it marks you for life and it burns the memories of those feelings into your mind. Suicide is the end of the road. I am reminded of it every day. At the best it's just a fleeting thought. When deep depression sets in, Everything around me becomes meaningless and all the noise cancels out. It's just me and a deep sadness. Keeping control of your thoughts is difficult to describe when you're in this state of mind. It's like trying to put a plug on a geyser. The plug being positive thoughts you can hold onto and believe in, and the negative thoughts being the geyser.
    Do I see any hope? I honestly don't see hope, but I don't see bad things either when I look into the future with a logical mindset. I tell you the truth, I'm pretty much just continuing with my life to see if things get any better. Friends and coworkers help to keep me distracted and it helps keep the darkness of depression at bay. As for God.... I've become afraid of Him. I don't even know what to pray anymore because my heart is so broken and my confidence shattered

Insight And Shifting Of Focus

       Depression is one of those things that doesn't go away overnight. There are bad days and there are okay days. Today I am feeling okay but I am definitely having tension headaches from depression. I feel stretched thin and exhausted. Something that helps me with depression is hanging out with friends and to keep focused on that. I guess I feel rather lonely because my brother has a girlfriend and now I'm the only single person in my family. I try to keep away from my house as long as possible because of that. I don't really find anything in my room or any of my possessions entertaining. I see them as stalling tactics to keep depression at bay. It is a constant battle.
       Another thing that has helped my depression is studying the bible and strengthening my relationship with Jesus. He's the only one who can offer true, meaningful, and eternal comfort. I try not to share my feelings or worries with any of my friends anymore because they get frustrated and angry. That makes me feel isolated even further. My true friends are the ones who have cared for me in the good times and the bad. Instead of worrying about the future and dwelling on my intense loneliness and deep desire for a relationship, I've shifted my focus to depending on God and trusting that He has a plan for me. My parents are constantly hounding me to go to college. What they don't understand is that my most difficult times were in school. Not because of me being socially introverted but because I have extreme difficulty in learning. It's actually made me hate school and learning. I honestly feel that God is telling me that college isn't the path for me. I am okay with that. I don't need education to make me feel secure and smart. I have talents that you can't learn in school. I feel God has blessed me with caring for hurting people and other spiritual talents. I am honestly okay with having to get by financially on a full time job. I don't need the luxury of a degree. I can make a difference right here, right now. I just need to keep listening to God and to keep growing.
     My fight with depression is far from over. I'm okay with that. In the long run, it's God's way of helping me grow and maybe it's one of the few ways I'll listen to Him. If I have to go through this for the rest of my life, then so be it. It's a small price to pay. I'd rather be in pain and learn from God than to go through life ignorant and not knowing Him at all. I shall wait patiently and see what He has in store for me. There is no need to fear the future

Patience And Endurance

    Depression's easy to get through when you're too busy to even think about it but there are times when it hits you out of nowhere. Hard. Loneliness isn't easy to forget. It makes you feel alone even when you're in a crowded room or surrounded by friends. For me, it makes me super quiet and I avoid contact with people. The more lonely I feel, the harder it is to share my feelings and the more hope I lose. I have all but given up in hoping for a relationship.In fact, I have lost so much hope that I don't even trust God to take care of that area of my life anymore. I don't touch that area of my life either. It's a catalyst for suicide so I let it gather dust.
       How do you regain hope when you have lost all patience? It really does feel like a distant thing and it feels intangible. It makes my heart heavy and it makes life seem dark. Depression has made me feel like life is nothing but a testing and training ground where endurance is all that matters. I feel so beaten down and hurt. I feel like there's no choice but to keep going. No rests, no breathers. My priority is to regain my faith but and trust in God but that's easier said than done. I need to start exposing myself to church again for a start. Everything else is uncertain 

No Man's Land

      I guess the best words to describe what I'm feeling now are lost and stuck. I feel like life has slowed to a screeching halt. It's hard for me to think when so many people around me are getting married and having babies. I've had this feeling of hurt so long that I'm numb to it. I have tried to shut out the pain with things like smoking or alcohol but those are only temporary solutions. I feel that all I can do is just let the pain wash over me and let it take it's course. I actually haven't been paying attention to what has been going on in other people's lives because I find it too painful when they mention their significant other. I have slowly cut off a lot of social connections in an effort to concentrate on just me but I have been slowly destroying myself. I'm at a point in depression where I feel that people no longer wish to hear anything from me so I retreat emotionally and in some cases, physically.
      I no longer seek advice for depression. If somebody just gives me their advice without me prompting them, then I usually take it into consideration but I don't acknowledge it publicly. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. My therapist says that I've put up a mental block in order to prevent me from having to deal with constant depression so instead of it affecting me during the day, it attacks viciously at night. I have endless nightmares. All I know is that I need to find a solution

New Perspective

     Depression has been through the roof this past month. I thought the cause was loneliness but a friend of mine helped me realize that it's just a side affect of depression. Maybe I don't know the cause. Maybe God doesn't need me to know. I just have to have faith and endure. If that's the case, then I will happily endure. Depression's always made me feel so helpless because I felt like it's prevented me from doing so many things. I think it's time to move on with my life and learn to cope with it as I move forward. I'm not going to let depression prevent me from achieving what I want out of life and I definitely refuse to let it hinder my relationship with Jesus. If anything, I believe he's using depression for my own good and I will learn everything He wants me to learn. Oh yes, I'm sure there will be times when sadness is so great that it brings me to my knees but that's when Jesus communicates the loudest.
     Over the past 2 years, I have learned what coping mechanisms are the most effective for me. I find that going to church, socializing, and strengthening my faith is the strongest coping mechanism I have. I've been expanding my social circle and stepping out of my comfort zone. I've made a time to go to coffee and enjoy getting to know a new friend which I am quite looking forward to. I am so thankful for Jesus and everything in my life