As I was flipping through the first volume of my journal, the back side of an entry caught my eye. It was something I withheld from putting into my blog and I later forgot about it. However, I can remember everything about it clear as day now. On April 10th, 2011 I was in the process of brainstorming and writing various methods on how I would kill myself. I will not be posting a copy because the details are graphic and gruesome; Not to mention painful. Let me first explain the circumstances surrounding this event. I was still in Front Range Community College and I was actually in class as I was writing this. My friend sat next to me and I suspect that she had no idea what I was writing. I hate crying in front of people but I couldn't hold the tears back. I did not sob but tears silently rolled down my cheeks as I wrote and splashed onto my page. I hid my face from her. I like to think that God can use even the tiniest things in our day to cheer us up. I remember her turning to me and she gave me a big smile. She has one of those smiles that is so infectious that I couldn't help but smile back. That moment, I stopped writing in mid-sentence and it remains incomplete to this day. If that smile hadn't happened, then I would have gone through with a lot more planned and structured suicide attempt. It's the little moments in life that we need to learn to enjoy.
Depression has been spiking for me lately. It's just a general feeling of being down and sad and then it turns into loneliness. Last night it got so bad that I had to take one of my emergency pills. The feeling of loneliness is so intense and severe that I wonder if I'll feel like this forever. I still feel as if part of me is missing. I know a mate won't solve everything but.... I can't help but have a super strong longing for one. I actually have the ability to shut out my depression because it's too painful to deal with. It makes my depression go dormant for a time. It buys me time try to think of how to cope with the pain but i have found nothing thus far. A thought that scares me to death is what if God's plan for me doesn't include a wife? I cannot tell whether this is an irrational or logical thought and it's put up a roadblock. I've been scared to pray to God about it but I think I should. I've got nothing to lose
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Then And Now
Today, my depression isn't nearly as frequent as it was last year. I remember being suicidal several weeks straight. The feeling was awful and lonely. It was like stumbling through a dark cave by yourself and you couldn't find a light source or a way out. Constant heartache, hopelessness and tears. My mind was never in the present because it was too painful to face reality. Even when I tried to escape to a happy place in my mind, it was nowhere to be found. Just black. Pain. Despair. It's as if my mind was divided into two parts. The past was too painful to dwell on because I regretted so much and I wished that I was never born. The future frightened me to death because all I saw was loneliness and extreme pain. Imagine feeling that constantly for weeks. It's honestly a miracle that I am alive today. Something that kept me alive is that even though I didn't want to live, I didn't have the will to end my life. I was completely spent physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I prayed to God every day but I doubted that he would answer. The following is an excerpt from my journal. I censored the names for the sake of people's anonymity.
06/14/11
"My heart is broken. I feel emotionally dead. I want to die but I don't have the courage to go through with it. I have been forsaken by a friend and I just want to end my life. If I don't have a girlfriend by august 15th then I will kill myself. I would rather be dead than remain single. No one understands because they've been in a relationship before. Me... I've never had one in my life. They have no idea how much pain I'm in. I feel extremely lonely, pathetic, undesirable and deprived of love and affection. I need this otherwise I will die. Why do I have to endure this existence? This entire year has been a mistake. I hate 2011. I hate college and I hate myself. I hate myself for falling in love because it has only caused unbearable pain. That took away all my happiness.... I'm spent and I just want to end my life. I loathe my sin and that should be reason enough to end my life."
I was crying and shaking when I wrote this last year. I remember writing every single one of my entries and how I felt. Everything I felt was spilled out into my journal. Even now, reading this again disturbs me. It disturbs me how much pain I was in and it really disturbs me to see how irrational my thinking was. Yet, I can see how I was led down that train of though. It was painful experience after painful experience and my way of coping at this point was by wanting to kill myself. That's how bad the pain was.
Today, I am depressed. It's nothing too specific today but I just feel sad in general. Lonely I guess. I have learned how to control my suicidal thoughts and when a situation overwhelms and upsets me, I pray like crazy and go straight to the bible and friends. I haven't been suicidal since valentine's day and I plan to keep it that way. It's the worst feeling I've ever experienced. I usually react with disbelief that this is happening and then its as if my hope shatters into a million pieces. What happens next is a mix of a severe panic attack and deep hopelessness and depression. I cling to the Lord to overcome those feelings. I will get through this and things will get better
06/14/11
"My heart is broken. I feel emotionally dead. I want to die but I don't have the courage to go through with it. I have been forsaken by a friend and I just want to end my life. If I don't have a girlfriend by august 15th then I will kill myself. I would rather be dead than remain single. No one understands because they've been in a relationship before. Me... I've never had one in my life. They have no idea how much pain I'm in. I feel extremely lonely, pathetic, undesirable and deprived of love and affection. I need this otherwise I will die. Why do I have to endure this existence? This entire year has been a mistake. I hate 2011. I hate college and I hate myself. I hate myself for falling in love because it has only caused unbearable pain. That took away all my happiness.... I'm spent and I just want to end my life. I loathe my sin and that should be reason enough to end my life."
I was crying and shaking when I wrote this last year. I remember writing every single one of my entries and how I felt. Everything I felt was spilled out into my journal. Even now, reading this again disturbs me. It disturbs me how much pain I was in and it really disturbs me to see how irrational my thinking was. Yet, I can see how I was led down that train of though. It was painful experience after painful experience and my way of coping at this point was by wanting to kill myself. That's how bad the pain was.
Today, I am depressed. It's nothing too specific today but I just feel sad in general. Lonely I guess. I have learned how to control my suicidal thoughts and when a situation overwhelms and upsets me, I pray like crazy and go straight to the bible and friends. I haven't been suicidal since valentine's day and I plan to keep it that way. It's the worst feeling I've ever experienced. I usually react with disbelief that this is happening and then its as if my hope shatters into a million pieces. What happens next is a mix of a severe panic attack and deep hopelessness and depression. I cling to the Lord to overcome those feelings. I will get through this and things will get better
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The Affects Of Depression, Suicide, And painful Memories
I still remember all the key points of my depression as if it were only yesterday. When I started to notice that I was slipping into depression, I got real scared. My heart rate was through the roof and my blood pressure was really high. I was sad all the time and you could see it in my face. I never smiled, I rarely talked, I stopped shaving, I quit eating, and I lost interest in activities that I enjoyed. I stopped watching TV as well. I just sat in my chair in complete silence and cried. I had an overwhelming urge to be away from people and sit alone in my room. I still have that urge but I fight it as much as I can. Sometimes my mom and my sister forced me to stay downstairs with them so I wouldn't be alone. I gotta say, it was extremely hard for me to sit still and I had this inexplicable urge to just run away to a quite place. I constantly held back tears but I lost my ability to do that. I just sat next to them, staring at the wall while tears streamed down my face. This all happened while I still had a job and even that became super hard for me. My motor skills slowed to a crawl because of the constant barrage of negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions. My co-workers noticed a change in me as well. I had lost a ton of weight. I believe I had lost up to 25 to 30 pounds. (Fortunately, I am back to a healthy weight). Everything felt dark. Even my vision seemed darkened.
I remember being constantly paranoid and irrational about my friends and family not caring. I felt extremely alone and unloved. I can't describe the pain of having felt that for a year. Sometimes I honestly wonder how I made it through. Depression got so bad for me that I would rather have had a broken leg than a broken heart. The pain was excruciating. I went through physical, emotional and spiritual pain. It's safe to say that I was attacked from every angle and in every way.
I gave myself physical pain because I thought that that would alleviate my emotional pain. It had the opposite effect. I burst into tears when I realized what I was doing to myself. My arms had gashes with crimson blood flowing out of them and in some twisted way I hated myself even more.
Emotional pain was constantly present. I didn't believe there was a chance of me getting better. I felt a huge gaping hole in my heart and I felt so utterly alone. I still feel that way but I often suppress it because I can't fully confront it yet. Every thought was bitter, sad and even angry. I was angry at myself, angry at the world and tired of living. There came a point where all my emotions were drained and that also drained my energy. I often laid around and slept a lot just to avoid reality. I went on walks to but I felt so heavy-hearted and it was actually hard for me to walk. I cried constantly and I often thought of death.
The thing about spiritual pain is that when you experience it along with emotional pain, that's when you truly feel alone. I felt cut off from God and I felt that I was doing something wrong. I felt so guilty for being depressed that I was too ashamed to even read the bible. This is what contributed to leading me to suicide. I felt that I had been uprooted. Forsaken. My entire belief system was in jeopardy. It shook me to the core and I felt without purpose and that my existence was nothing but a cruel joke. It was only when I had almost plunged that dagger into my chest that God spoke to me. I was shaking, screaming and crying. My teeth were gritted and I was breathing heavily. That is when a flicker of hope was kindled. That was when I realized that God had not abandoned me. He was right there the whole time carrying me.
I attempted suicide a few times more in the future but each time those horrible moments passed, I had something to hold onto. Suicide is the absence of hope and love. Christ is just the opposite. Christ is stronger than my problems and I knew he would sustain me so that is why I held on. I still hold on through the grim days. Whenever I feel empty because of heartbreak, I go to Him. My urge and desire to find a wife has never been this strong before. I realize that the only way to beat it and have hope is to hold Christ first in my life because He is everlasting. I still have worries and fears of being alone for the rest of my life and that is something I simply cannot accept. I just can't see me ever having a girlfriend because it's never happened. I try not to think about it because that is when I quickly lose hope. This is something that has humiliated me and made me feel so lonely and pathetic. It makes me feel like that kid who sits by himself at lunch. I'm scared of taking risks because every time I have put myself out there, I've gotten severely hurt. It really makes me retreat from social situations because I feel like I'll make a fool out of myself. I can't confront this part of my depression because all I see is despair and I have no idea how to conquer it. All I can really do is pray
I remember being constantly paranoid and irrational about my friends and family not caring. I felt extremely alone and unloved. I can't describe the pain of having felt that for a year. Sometimes I honestly wonder how I made it through. Depression got so bad for me that I would rather have had a broken leg than a broken heart. The pain was excruciating. I went through physical, emotional and spiritual pain. It's safe to say that I was attacked from every angle and in every way.
I gave myself physical pain because I thought that that would alleviate my emotional pain. It had the opposite effect. I burst into tears when I realized what I was doing to myself. My arms had gashes with crimson blood flowing out of them and in some twisted way I hated myself even more.
Emotional pain was constantly present. I didn't believe there was a chance of me getting better. I felt a huge gaping hole in my heart and I felt so utterly alone. I still feel that way but I often suppress it because I can't fully confront it yet. Every thought was bitter, sad and even angry. I was angry at myself, angry at the world and tired of living. There came a point where all my emotions were drained and that also drained my energy. I often laid around and slept a lot just to avoid reality. I went on walks to but I felt so heavy-hearted and it was actually hard for me to walk. I cried constantly and I often thought of death.
The thing about spiritual pain is that when you experience it along with emotional pain, that's when you truly feel alone. I felt cut off from God and I felt that I was doing something wrong. I felt so guilty for being depressed that I was too ashamed to even read the bible. This is what contributed to leading me to suicide. I felt that I had been uprooted. Forsaken. My entire belief system was in jeopardy. It shook me to the core and I felt without purpose and that my existence was nothing but a cruel joke. It was only when I had almost plunged that dagger into my chest that God spoke to me. I was shaking, screaming and crying. My teeth were gritted and I was breathing heavily. That is when a flicker of hope was kindled. That was when I realized that God had not abandoned me. He was right there the whole time carrying me.
I attempted suicide a few times more in the future but each time those horrible moments passed, I had something to hold onto. Suicide is the absence of hope and love. Christ is just the opposite. Christ is stronger than my problems and I knew he would sustain me so that is why I held on. I still hold on through the grim days. Whenever I feel empty because of heartbreak, I go to Him. My urge and desire to find a wife has never been this strong before. I realize that the only way to beat it and have hope is to hold Christ first in my life because He is everlasting. I still have worries and fears of being alone for the rest of my life and that is something I simply cannot accept. I just can't see me ever having a girlfriend because it's never happened. I try not to think about it because that is when I quickly lose hope. This is something that has humiliated me and made me feel so lonely and pathetic. It makes me feel like that kid who sits by himself at lunch. I'm scared of taking risks because every time I have put myself out there, I've gotten severely hurt. It really makes me retreat from social situations because I feel like I'll make a fool out of myself. I can't confront this part of my depression because all I see is despair and I have no idea how to conquer it. All I can really do is pray
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Myths About Depression
A lot of people experience and view depression in different ways. I've heard people say that depression is for weaklings. This is a lie and something dangerous to believe. If this were true, then nearly everyone in the world would be weak. We all go through depression in our lives. Some experience it more intensely than others
Another thing I hear people say is that people who have depression should get a hold of themselves and stop feeling sorry for themselves. They view depression as an extreme form of sadness. If this were true, then we would get better over a quicker period of time. But this is not true. Depression doesn't just affect the mind. It also affects the body. Loss of appetite, little to no motivation, extreme difficulty sleeping, and high blood pressure. These are just a few physical symptoms that manifest. People in the midst of depression cannot simply just feel better automatically. This can last up to weeks, months, even years. Now I'm not saying that people in depression shouldn't be trying to get better. They should but they usually need the help of a therapist. People who don't understand depression criticize way too harshly and they are incorrect. People will always judge what they don't understand.
Now this next myth is something I believed at the beginning of my depression. I thought that all I needed was antidepressants and then I would be as right as rain. I was clearly wrong. Antidepressants help treat the symptoms but not the actual problem itself. It's not a cure-all, as my good friend once told me. I didn't believe her at first but I should have because she's been through depression herself. Dealing with the actual cause of depression is up to you and you alone. Me, I easily get overwhelmed these days because my emotional reservoirs are so quickly drained from depression. I seek help from Jesus and that is the only thing that makes depression bearable for me.
Many people easily get frustrated dealing with depressed individuals. It takes a ridiculous amount of patience, love, and caring. Clinical depression has changed my life and is making me into a better person. It also takes a ridiculous amount of patience on my part because I want this to end so badly and yet I still don't have all the answers or solutions to resolve what's making me depressed. It's a process and it will take time. The roots go deep. All the way back to age 3 for me. It's like pulling weeds. It's really hard work but once it's done, you feel a lot better and it feels like the world was just lifted from you.
Another thing I hear people say is that people who have depression should get a hold of themselves and stop feeling sorry for themselves. They view depression as an extreme form of sadness. If this were true, then we would get better over a quicker period of time. But this is not true. Depression doesn't just affect the mind. It also affects the body. Loss of appetite, little to no motivation, extreme difficulty sleeping, and high blood pressure. These are just a few physical symptoms that manifest. People in the midst of depression cannot simply just feel better automatically. This can last up to weeks, months, even years. Now I'm not saying that people in depression shouldn't be trying to get better. They should but they usually need the help of a therapist. People who don't understand depression criticize way too harshly and they are incorrect. People will always judge what they don't understand.
Now this next myth is something I believed at the beginning of my depression. I thought that all I needed was antidepressants and then I would be as right as rain. I was clearly wrong. Antidepressants help treat the symptoms but not the actual problem itself. It's not a cure-all, as my good friend once told me. I didn't believe her at first but I should have because she's been through depression herself. Dealing with the actual cause of depression is up to you and you alone. Me, I easily get overwhelmed these days because my emotional reservoirs are so quickly drained from depression. I seek help from Jesus and that is the only thing that makes depression bearable for me.
Many people easily get frustrated dealing with depressed individuals. It takes a ridiculous amount of patience, love, and caring. Clinical depression has changed my life and is making me into a better person. It also takes a ridiculous amount of patience on my part because I want this to end so badly and yet I still don't have all the answers or solutions to resolve what's making me depressed. It's a process and it will take time. The roots go deep. All the way back to age 3 for me. It's like pulling weeds. It's really hard work but once it's done, you feel a lot better and it feels like the world was just lifted from you.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
The Many Faces Of Depression
Depression can come about in a few ways. Either a single event can trigger it or an accumulation of many events over an extended period of time can cause it to go off. My depression has definitely been building for more than a decade. My earliest memory is a bad memory and it goes back to when I was three years old. I will not share it here because it is too personal but if you know me then you may message me about it if you wish to know. It is at the core of my sadness, anger, and resentment. It has pretty much stuck with me my entire life. I have made some progress in healing but it still gnaws at me every day. This is something that I cannot resolve without the Lord's help. I pray every day but unfortunately I'm usually at a loss for words and i burst into tears.I don't believe in luck or coincidence so I must be going through this for a reason. This is my hurdle to overcome. It does help to talk to people about it but it's not something I can just go shout about. It's an extremely sensitive issue and it's my darkest, most shameful secret. Every time I hear the subject come up, my heart skips a beat and I find an excuse to leave the area. When I think of it, I choke back tears and rage starts to build in my chest. I will overcome it. I do not know when. It may be a long time since I've held onto it for so long
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Staying Positive
Don't you hate it when you make so many plans to keep busy that you think that it can't possibly fail and then all your plans fall through? Yep. That happened to me. Now of course it's a bummer to see plans go awry but you gotta stay positive. When plans don't work, then it gets very tempting to sit around and that is something I cannot and will not do because that is just giving my depression an opportunity to sink in. It starts off with boredom, and then the negative feelings come. It starts a one small negative thought and then it quickly snowballs into quite a breakdown if I let it. I fear that there's an uneventful week ahead of me. I'll just use this time to learn patience and wait on the Lord.
Old grudges and resentments have been boiling up as of late and one in particular is very hard to beat back down because I see it as the biggest insult and hurt I have ever experienced. Something I was helpless to defend against. This particular resentment has affected me my whole life. You may ask me if you're curious but it is too sensitive to put into this blog. This is one of those instances where you really need to pray for the strength to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice and it takes a lot of willpower to forgive a gigantic hurt/insult. I have confidence that I will overcome it eventually with the Lord's help but for now.... It just causes me so much rage and grief. I will continue to fight.
Old grudges and resentments have been boiling up as of late and one in particular is very hard to beat back down because I see it as the biggest insult and hurt I have ever experienced. Something I was helpless to defend against. This particular resentment has affected me my whole life. You may ask me if you're curious but it is too sensitive to put into this blog. This is one of those instances where you really need to pray for the strength to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice and it takes a lot of willpower to forgive a gigantic hurt/insult. I have confidence that I will overcome it eventually with the Lord's help but for now.... It just causes me so much rage and grief. I will continue to fight.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
God Can Use Depression For Your Benefit
I'm a person who hides his emotions and wears a mask to show the world that everything is all right. I lost this ability when clinical depression hit. It shattered my world and tested the limits of my endurance, will, and faith. From trials like this, they either help your faith grow and help you grow as a person, or it utterly destroys your faith and effectively ends your life. I have faced suicide many times and each time, it was Jesus who carried me through it. He showed me that His grace is sufficient for me. When depression came down on me like an avalanche, the only thing I could think of is this: 'my world is falling apart. Where is my God? I know He has the power to take this away but He is ignoring me.' I was wrong. Every time I prayed to God, I was in tears and I begged Him to take this burden from me. Now, He didn't respond to me right away but looking back, I can almost here Him saying one simple word to me: 'Wait.' I had absolutely no patience and I just wanted it to end. I am still learning how to be patient. One thing that helps me is to remember that God has his own timetable and He will do things when He deems it is the right time; He answers to no man.
There is a very important difference between knowing and understanding. Before all of this happened, I knew depression was a horrible thing to go through but I never really UNDERSTOOD it until I started going through it. Do not judge something until you yourself have gone through it. I can say with confidence that I have gained much wisdom from being depressed and God is using this time to teach me things that I would otherwise not learn if I wouldn't be going through this. I understand more about how God works than any time before my depression. This depression has strengthened my relationship with Jesus and it has helped me realize what I want out of life. God has also taught me what order my priorities should be in. Jesus must always be first. I now consult God in every decision I make. He has softened my heart and made me sensitive to the suffering of others and I have a hunger for His Word.
God has even used suicide to my benefit. He has used it to make me a lot less materialistic and instead turned my focus to things eternal. I know that all the pleasures the world has to offer are fleeting and they will definitely not sustain me. I could care less about riches. In this world, our job as Christians is to spread the gospel to an unbelieving world. Have mercy and compassion on the afflicted, poor, and broken. Jesus Came to save the lost and the broken. The first step to having Jesus in your heart is to admit and confess that you are broken and in need of a savior. No matter what your status is in this world; rich or poor, free or slave, we all are broken and sinners. Jesus died for us so we don't have to suffer a terrible fate by being thrown into the lake of fire. It is the biggest choice you can make in your life because whatever you choose, it will set your destiny. You either choose to be with God or isolated from him for eternity. Hell was originally intended for Satan and his angels but when man disobeyed God, He had no choice but to punish us. It broke His heart but no sin can exist in His presence. He loves us so much that He came to earth, fully man and fully God and suffered and died for us so we wouldn't have to got to Hell. Jesus offered Himself as the ultimate sacrifice for all of our sins. All you need to do is believe and choose Him
There is a very important difference between knowing and understanding. Before all of this happened, I knew depression was a horrible thing to go through but I never really UNDERSTOOD it until I started going through it. Do not judge something until you yourself have gone through it. I can say with confidence that I have gained much wisdom from being depressed and God is using this time to teach me things that I would otherwise not learn if I wouldn't be going through this. I understand more about how God works than any time before my depression. This depression has strengthened my relationship with Jesus and it has helped me realize what I want out of life. God has also taught me what order my priorities should be in. Jesus must always be first. I now consult God in every decision I make. He has softened my heart and made me sensitive to the suffering of others and I have a hunger for His Word.
God has even used suicide to my benefit. He has used it to make me a lot less materialistic and instead turned my focus to things eternal. I know that all the pleasures the world has to offer are fleeting and they will definitely not sustain me. I could care less about riches. In this world, our job as Christians is to spread the gospel to an unbelieving world. Have mercy and compassion on the afflicted, poor, and broken. Jesus Came to save the lost and the broken. The first step to having Jesus in your heart is to admit and confess that you are broken and in need of a savior. No matter what your status is in this world; rich or poor, free or slave, we all are broken and sinners. Jesus died for us so we don't have to suffer a terrible fate by being thrown into the lake of fire. It is the biggest choice you can make in your life because whatever you choose, it will set your destiny. You either choose to be with God or isolated from him for eternity. Hell was originally intended for Satan and his angels but when man disobeyed God, He had no choice but to punish us. It broke His heart but no sin can exist in His presence. He loves us so much that He came to earth, fully man and fully God and suffered and died for us so we wouldn't have to got to Hell. Jesus offered Himself as the ultimate sacrifice for all of our sins. All you need to do is believe and choose Him
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