Silence

One of the worst things about depression is that you constantly feel alone and everything seems quieter as you constantly battle your negative thoughts. I have prayed so many times for peace and and freedom from the throes of depression but recently all I've been receiving is silence. Or so I think. I don't know what it is at this point. Maybe my anger and resentment has deafened me spiritually. It's scary to feel cut off from God. I haven't prayed for 2 weeks now for the sole reason that I don't even know what to pray anymore. It is clear to me that my depression will not end soon. My therapist has some homework for me to do. He wants me to write a note about what makes me so sad, angry, and resentful and then seal it in a jar and toss it into a river. It's supposed to be a symbolic emotional release and a start on the road down towards forgiveness. I consider myself very forgiving but there are some things I find extremely hard to forgive. I know I must forgive because I'm not only hurting those around me but I'm also hurting myself. And yet I find it very hurtful and insulting to me. Forgiveness to me is an interesting thing. It goes against all logic and against our sinful nature as human beings and yet it is a great gift you can give someone. Like the gift Jesus gave to humanity.

A Roadblock

  Holding a grudge is like carrying a ball and chain around with you. It has caused me so much bitterness, anger, pain, and grief. I've prayed so hard that I could just let it go and move on but it sticks to me like a leech. It has caused my faith to waver and it hurts just thinking about it. This grudge has caused me so much grief and anger for ten years but I am somehow unable to let go. It is definitely the strongest root of my depression. It's carried me very close to hate and I am at a loss as of what to do at this point. It's so exhausting even thinking about it because I will just go into a tailspin and then I'll be in tears. I feel my only option is to forget about it but this has been very hard to do seeing as it affects me everyday. Only God can heal me at this point but it appears that he wants me to go through this for some reason. I literally feel like screaming and it's hard not to wonder, 'why me?' It's my burden and I will bear it. However I am unsure how much longer I can bear it before another breakdown happens. Only time will tell and I need as many prayers as I can get.

Letting Go

         Change. It's something that has always been rough for me. I have my flaws. I desperately cling to the past and I am often frightened of looking towards the future. I am frightened of the future for quite a few reasons. I feel that the future is overwhelming and that it's ambiguous as well as uncertain. But something I learned is that the future is what we make it. In order to avoid feeling overwhelmed and out of control, the key is to take one step at a time and not to look at the big picture all the time.
       Change for me doesn't mean just physical change and changes of my surroundings. It means change in my emotions as well as my attitude. This is my biggest battle because my emotions and attitude have been so deep rooted for years. The further I go down to find the root of the problem, the more hard and painful it gets. But I refuse to stop digging until I've changed my attitude and feelings because it is vital in helping me get better and for me becoming a better person. Yes, there are days where I feel like giving up. There are days where I just sit in my chair overwhelmed by it all and I'm in tears. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't die when I first tried to kill myself. But I am alive for a reason. Depression may last for many years but each day I survive, I get stronger.
       Usually, depression makes people bitter and hardens people's hearts but it has done just the opposite for me. I am able to sympathize with my other friends who are going through something similar and it's made me realize how fragile life can be. As a christian, I remember thinking before I had depression that life is meaningless and that we were basically just waiting to die so we could go to heaven. But this is only partially true. Yes, material things of this world are vanity but we have a purpose on this earth. That is to do the will of God and to serve others in humility and love. If you make that your focus and pray on it constantly then you won't have a chance to be depressed. There will be times when you completely forget and that's okay. Nobody is perfect. Including Christians. The only difference between christians  and everyone else is that as christians, we are forgiven. We still sin like anyone else. We are no better than anyone else.
      Change can be good. It's still something I'm working on coping with. I still have severe anger and resentment issues which I literally have no clue on how to let go. Only God, time, and wisdom can change that. There are even grudges that I hold. Things that I feel are unforgivable that were done to me in the past. That is where I am in my journey in the dark. The difference is that I can see a light ahead of me. That light is Christ leading me the way out of the inky void and darkness that is depression

Dangerous Thoughts

          Something that's been burned into my brain is a promise I made to myself after my first suicide attempt. I promised myself that if I remained single until I was twenty five, then I would kill myself. This is still something I struggle with daily and it's the deepest root of my depression. I find it hard because it's not something you have absolute control over. For me, it's really hard to put myself out there. I'm a shy person by nature and I'm always scared that I'll make a fool of myself. Risks are something that you just have to take in life because if you don't take risks, then you won't get anywhere in life. I try to step out of my comfort zone at least once a day. Even if it's something as small as driving home a new route I've never tried before or talking to someone new.

       There are still days where I have fleeting suicidal thoughts. Nights are usually the worst. It gets bad at least once a week. I'll be shaking and crying and I'll usually just stare at a wall thinking, 'I should've died at birth' or 'why didn't my first attempt succeed?' Afterwards, I start to think what I would've missed if I died in January. If I wasn't here today, then I would've missed out on being part of a wonderful new church and I never would've met the good friends I have there now. God will never give you more than you can handle. Sometimes I wonder if this will last my whole life. But I believe that going through depression is necessary. Like a metal, it's God's way of testing and refining us. Faith cannot grow without trial.   

       I currently feel as if I'm in limbo. A lot of the time, I'll be in my own world and my dreams constantly consist of having a wife and kids. That for me, is my dream. Following the lord is hard. It's simple but it can be very hard. Sometimes I'll find myself raging at him because I feel  as if I can't move forward. I have trouble putting the lord first in my life. That is my current focus. I realize deep down that I am to blame and not God and yet, every day, I'll find myself clenching my fists in anger and I feel as if I could punch a hole in my wall. I have so many fears and phobias. My ideal thought of serving the lord would be to travel the world and help others in need. Even if they were in dangerous areas of the world. I truly have no fear of death. I have a great fear of traveling and I am not well learned in many things. I often need assistance and I am ashamed of it. I refuse to give in. I will continue to fight each and every day. I will resolve all of this hindrances if it's the last thing I do.

Depression nowadays

          I apologize for not posting recently. It has been quite a tough week emotionally. Depression is one of those things that can just drag you down. It pulls a dark cloud over everything you see and think about. It's like a violent storm that refuses to abate. Depression today for me is interesting in it's occurrence. It ebbs and it wanes. Sometimes I'll spend time wondering if it'll ever go away. Sometimes it's just so hard to go on. Depression is something that always has you reliving moments of your past that were painful to you. You spend countless hours dwelling on it. The only way to fight it is to keep busy no matter what. Even if you go out for a walk or a drive. As for me, If I spend too much time dwelling and sulking on my woes then I can easily slip back into a pattern of suicidal thoughts so keeping busy for me is a must. You just have to have hope.

       Forgiveness and letting go is crucial in moving forward out of depression. However, this is easier said than done. Both of these virtues are something that I am still working on to this day. I blame myself for many things that have happened. It's important to determine the source of this guilt and whether it's true or false guilt. Many times, especially during depression, it's false guilt because many people who suffer depression beat themselves up and hold themselves to ridiculous standards. But there are times when the guilt is real and that is when you need to come clean about it. If you don't then it'll only make you feel worse and it can be seen as a matter of pride and arrogance on your part. The Bible has great things to say about depression and how to overcome it but it's something you must be willing to pursue. It all comes down to if you want to be happy or not. Happiness is a choice. Happiness won't come to you if you just sit there and sulk. You must seize the day and break the chains of depression

The Vicious Cycle

           Depression makes each day nearly unbearable to go through. I was thinking a lot about suicide but I didn't have the energy to go through with another attempt at that moment. I gave myself an ultimatum: 'If I'm still single by my birthday, then I will make out my will and end my life'. I began brainstorming my will and methods of suicide. I felt like I was right back where I started. I gave up any hope of becoming better and I believed that I deserved what I was feeling. I was very critical of myself and I pointed out every flaw that I could find. My appetite completely left me once again. I couldn't stand facing this alone so I told some of my friends what I was going through and they convinced not to go through with it.

         It was a huge weight off of my mind to not have to make out my will or end my life but I wasn't looking forward to my birthday at all. To me, it just meant another year of being alone and forgotten. I saw myself as a very weak willed person and I found that crying was the only release that worked. I looked back on the past 8 months of my life and I finally realized that I wasn't weak willed. I made it through 2 suicide attempts and I made efforts to stave off depression.

          I was still very uncertain about my future. I still am. But I keep pushing through to find meaning. To find a purpose. That  is my task to this very day. I will endure and I will survive. I began searching for a new job to get my life back in order

The Calm Before The Storm

        As time passed and as I had more and more psychologist sessions, I got to the point where each day was becoming a little more bearable. I was taught multiple coping techniques; some of which helped, and others that didn't. Deep breathing helps to lower my blood pressure and slow my heart down. But usually it's temporary. To stop me from dwelling on all of my negative and suicidal thoughts, I would take a walk around our trail and I would blast the music as loud as I can to shut any thoughts out. That was probably my best and most favorite coping mechanism. My appetite slowly came back and things that I usually did for leisure were also satisfying again.

           I always had an overwhelming urge to be by myself and cut myself off from anything social or any people including my family. I took all my meals upstairs and depression still had it's occasional spikes so I would just sit in my chair and just stair straight ahead for several hours at a time. I felt so lonely but at the same time I couldn't stand for people to see me this way so I hid from the world

          During a session, My psychologist gave me an idea of reaching out to as many friends and acquaintances as possible. I found this idea very appealing because I saw it as a way to rekindle my social life. And it worked. I found that many of my friends actually did care and that they wanted to see me. This made me feel loved so I scheduled a bunch of different times where I could hang out with my friends. This was also good for my depression because it kept me busy and it kept my mind off my troubles for a time and it also gave me something to look forward to.

           My psychologist warned me that this is just a temporary solution but it will give me some time to recover.  He was definitely correct that it was temporary. As may came, I finished my class in college. After that the class was done, Depression hit me hard. Really hard. The weight of 2 suicide attempts and my feelings of loneliness completely caught me off guard out of no where. I was thinking, 'This is a vicious cycle that I can't seem to break. I'm really in a lot of pain and I hate being single.'