Dangerous Thoughts

          Something that's been burned into my brain is a promise I made to myself after my first suicide attempt. I promised myself that if I remained single until I was twenty five, then I would kill myself. This is still something I struggle with daily and it's the deepest root of my depression. I find it hard because it's not something you have absolute control over. For me, it's really hard to put myself out there. I'm a shy person by nature and I'm always scared that I'll make a fool of myself. Risks are something that you just have to take in life because if you don't take risks, then you won't get anywhere in life. I try to step out of my comfort zone at least once a day. Even if it's something as small as driving home a new route I've never tried before or talking to someone new.

       There are still days where I have fleeting suicidal thoughts. Nights are usually the worst. It gets bad at least once a week. I'll be shaking and crying and I'll usually just stare at a wall thinking, 'I should've died at birth' or 'why didn't my first attempt succeed?' Afterwards, I start to think what I would've missed if I died in January. If I wasn't here today, then I would've missed out on being part of a wonderful new church and I never would've met the good friends I have there now. God will never give you more than you can handle. Sometimes I wonder if this will last my whole life. But I believe that going through depression is necessary. Like a metal, it's God's way of testing and refining us. Faith cannot grow without trial.   

       I currently feel as if I'm in limbo. A lot of the time, I'll be in my own world and my dreams constantly consist of having a wife and kids. That for me, is my dream. Following the lord is hard. It's simple but it can be very hard. Sometimes I'll find myself raging at him because I feel  as if I can't move forward. I have trouble putting the lord first in my life. That is my current focus. I realize deep down that I am to blame and not God and yet, every day, I'll find myself clenching my fists in anger and I feel as if I could punch a hole in my wall. I have so many fears and phobias. My ideal thought of serving the lord would be to travel the world and help others in need. Even if they were in dangerous areas of the world. I truly have no fear of death. I have a great fear of traveling and I am not well learned in many things. I often need assistance and I am ashamed of it. I refuse to give in. I will continue to fight each and every day. I will resolve all of this hindrances if it's the last thing I do.

Depression nowadays

          I apologize for not posting recently. It has been quite a tough week emotionally. Depression is one of those things that can just drag you down. It pulls a dark cloud over everything you see and think about. It's like a violent storm that refuses to abate. Depression today for me is interesting in it's occurrence. It ebbs and it wanes. Sometimes I'll spend time wondering if it'll ever go away. Sometimes it's just so hard to go on. Depression is something that always has you reliving moments of your past that were painful to you. You spend countless hours dwelling on it. The only way to fight it is to keep busy no matter what. Even if you go out for a walk or a drive. As for me, If I spend too much time dwelling and sulking on my woes then I can easily slip back into a pattern of suicidal thoughts so keeping busy for me is a must. You just have to have hope.

       Forgiveness and letting go is crucial in moving forward out of depression. However, this is easier said than done. Both of these virtues are something that I am still working on to this day. I blame myself for many things that have happened. It's important to determine the source of this guilt and whether it's true or false guilt. Many times, especially during depression, it's false guilt because many people who suffer depression beat themselves up and hold themselves to ridiculous standards. But there are times when the guilt is real and that is when you need to come clean about it. If you don't then it'll only make you feel worse and it can be seen as a matter of pride and arrogance on your part. The Bible has great things to say about depression and how to overcome it but it's something you must be willing to pursue. It all comes down to if you want to be happy or not. Happiness is a choice. Happiness won't come to you if you just sit there and sulk. You must seize the day and break the chains of depression

The Vicious Cycle

           Depression makes each day nearly unbearable to go through. I was thinking a lot about suicide but I didn't have the energy to go through with another attempt at that moment. I gave myself an ultimatum: 'If I'm still single by my birthday, then I will make out my will and end my life'. I began brainstorming my will and methods of suicide. I felt like I was right back where I started. I gave up any hope of becoming better and I believed that I deserved what I was feeling. I was very critical of myself and I pointed out every flaw that I could find. My appetite completely left me once again. I couldn't stand facing this alone so I told some of my friends what I was going through and they convinced not to go through with it.

         It was a huge weight off of my mind to not have to make out my will or end my life but I wasn't looking forward to my birthday at all. To me, it just meant another year of being alone and forgotten. I saw myself as a very weak willed person and I found that crying was the only release that worked. I looked back on the past 8 months of my life and I finally realized that I wasn't weak willed. I made it through 2 suicide attempts and I made efforts to stave off depression.

          I was still very uncertain about my future. I still am. But I keep pushing through to find meaning. To find a purpose. That  is my task to this very day. I will endure and I will survive. I began searching for a new job to get my life back in order

The Calm Before The Storm

        As time passed and as I had more and more psychologist sessions, I got to the point where each day was becoming a little more bearable. I was taught multiple coping techniques; some of which helped, and others that didn't. Deep breathing helps to lower my blood pressure and slow my heart down. But usually it's temporary. To stop me from dwelling on all of my negative and suicidal thoughts, I would take a walk around our trail and I would blast the music as loud as I can to shut any thoughts out. That was probably my best and most favorite coping mechanism. My appetite slowly came back and things that I usually did for leisure were also satisfying again.

           I always had an overwhelming urge to be by myself and cut myself off from anything social or any people including my family. I took all my meals upstairs and depression still had it's occasional spikes so I would just sit in my chair and just stair straight ahead for several hours at a time. I felt so lonely but at the same time I couldn't stand for people to see me this way so I hid from the world

          During a session, My psychologist gave me an idea of reaching out to as many friends and acquaintances as possible. I found this idea very appealing because I saw it as a way to rekindle my social life. And it worked. I found that many of my friends actually did care and that they wanted to see me. This made me feel loved so I scheduled a bunch of different times where I could hang out with my friends. This was also good for my depression because it kept me busy and it kept my mind off my troubles for a time and it also gave me something to look forward to.

           My psychologist warned me that this is just a temporary solution but it will give me some time to recover.  He was definitely correct that it was temporary. As may came, I finished my class in college. After that the class was done, Depression hit me hard. Really hard. The weight of 2 suicide attempts and my feelings of loneliness completely caught me off guard out of no where. I was thinking, 'This is a vicious cycle that I can't seem to break. I'm really in a lot of pain and I hate being single.'

Uncertainty

        When you're depressed and you try to think positively, It's like you're barely hanging on to a side of a cliff and there's someone above you stepping on your fingers. That's how it was for me even when I first started on my medication. It felt like I was so hopeless and it greatly affected my work. I was choking back tears every day while on the job. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom a few times just to let it all go. I always had lunch in my car so none of my co workers would see me like that. I hated letting people see me at my worst when I'm so vulnerable. It drove me crazy. I felt I had nowhere to turn to and I felt like God wasn't listening to me. I just wanted it to end. It felt like a constant struggle every day just to find a reason for living. I often argued furiously with myself just to stop the suicidal thoughts. It's a huge strain on the mind and it constantly drains you emotionally to think like that.

       I often found myself taking quick, shallow breaths and my heart would be racing. I couldn't reason with myself to find any solutions to my situation without killing myself. The pain of being single was blinding. I hated being alone and I still do. Some people would tell me, 'you're never alone. God is always beside you.' That was not the cure to the loneliness that I was looking for. Eventually, I got so tired and worn down that I decided to try suicide again.

      When someone is suicidal, they are not thinking straight. They don't consider what's going on around them. Most of the time, they don't want to die, but they try to kill themselves anyway because they see no other escape from their pain. That's exactly how it was for me. Being suicidal is THE worst feeling in the world. You feel so broken and hopeless all the time. I was going to slit my throat in my car but one of my friends called my parents and they came by. This was while I was at my lunch break at work. Needless to say, they were very upset. I cried for 2 hours straight. I kept thinking, 'What do I do now? where do I turn? Why is this happening to me?' From that point on, What little energy and will I had left was focused on just surviving each and every day.

Crimson

      As the weeks went by, I started to hate myself. I hated the situation I was in and I felt completely helpless to change it so I looked for ways to punish myself. That's when I started cutting up my arms. I liked the pain for some reason and I felt that I deserved every prick of pain. Cutting is a terrible habit and it's actually addicting. It can be dangerous if you don't stop. I knew it was dangerous but I honestly didn't care. I thought that if I got infections or blood poisoning, then all the better. The closer I was to death then the better off I would be. I slowly started to cut deeper and deeper because I wanted to bleed out. I felt there was absolutely nothing left in this life for me. I felt completely unattractive and undesirable. I still have the scars on my arms to this day and they'll probably stay with me for life.

       Anger is an interesting thing. It starts off as a little thing but if allowed to grow, then it can consume all of your thoughts and eventually turn into depression. I'm by nature a very stoic person so I never act out on my anger and I never tell anyone about it so it was allowed to grow. It manifested itself as self loathing and I start hurting myself. One of my best friends noticed my arms and took me to the emergency room. I started to panic because I didn't want my parents to find out. I couldn't stand to let my family see me like this. I was admitted and I was severely dehydrated. That trip to the emergency room helped remind me that I am loved and people do care. I remember crying the entire time.

        I didn't stop hurting myself until the first couple sessions with my psychiatrist. He taught me different coping mechanisms and healthy ways to vent. I threw all my knives away to stop hurting myself and to keep the temptation away. It worked. I still struggled with thoughts like 'why is this happening to me? why am I like this? Will I ever find someone?' I still don't have answers to all those questions so I suppress the ones I don't have answers to. It's not healthy to keep dwelling on those kinds of questions all the time. It can be a huge strain on the mind and extremely emotionally draining. I just didn't have the energy to deal with those kinds of questions so I sealed them away in my mind for a time. It bought me some time to relax and rejuvenate but it didn't last long. You can't control the time when depression hits you. Like a dam, it completely burst and all the those questions and worries hit me like a tidal wave a month later

Prisoner Of Despair

        If you survive a suicide attempt or get convinced not to go through it, then either way it will definitely sap your will. I admit that I wasn't glad to be alive, I was sorry that I didn't succeed. I felt so empty and broken. I would have tried to kill myself again but I didn't have the energy or will to go through that again. I had so many tension headaches that I already felt dead. I felt like a walking zombie. Every positive thought I tried to come up with was immediately shot down with pessimism and self-loathing.

         My parents had no idea what was going on with me at the time. All they knew was that I was acting very strangely and I rarely talked at all. My instinct was to hide everything I was feeling and to keep it inside. The only way I was able to vent was through my friends. One of my good friends convinced me to tell my family what was going on with me. I broke into tears immediately when I told them because I couldn't hold it in any longer and I was afraid that they wouldn't understand. My parents were shocked. My mom couldn't even grasp it. They came around eventually to understanding but my sister was the one whom I was able to talk to.

           My mom took me to doctor the next week and I started to get help. I thought meds were a cure-all but I was so very wrong. Yes, they do help you to cope with depression but it's ultimately up to the person to do most of the work. A good friend of mine suggested that I start journaling to get my thoughts out. It was a very good coping mechanism for me but I never wish to read what I wrote again. I recorded every single dark thought that I had and I would usually be shaking and in tears by the time I finished writing. I felt that I was permanently broken and that I would never be whole again. I yearned for a girlfriend everyday and it's still something I struggle with to this day. I had suicidal thoughts constantly for a few months. I felt that the meds weren't working. That was when I was taken to a psychiatrist.