Continuing In The Faith

    I grew up in Protestantism. It has no doubt influenced me and it is through Protestantism and more specifically in evangelicalism that I came to know Christ. However, since I began researching early church history and church history in general, Eastern Orthodoxy has grabbed my attention and heavily influenced me. When westerners view eastern orthodoxy, they are quick to point out that it is mystical. But otherwise they know little to nothing about it. For example, did you know that for the first 1000 to 1200 years of the church, that eastern orthodoxy and Catholicism were united and in communion with one another? Like Roman Catholicism, they can trace their roots back to the first churches planted by the apostles.
    As western Christians and the western world in general, we tend to use rationalism as the final and sole arbiter of truth. I have come to the conclusion that we should use our reason and rationalism, but when we try to search the mysteries of God, we will hit a road block. This is the view of Eastern Orthodoxy. There are doctrines in our faith that we as finite humans will not be able to fully reason out. doctrines such as the trinity and the fact that Christ is 100% God and 100% man. We need to learn to be okay with these unexplained gray areas.
      In my journey, I feel God pushing me to liturgical worship. As I examine myself and ask why this is, I come up with a few speculations. For those of you who know me, I am extremely resistant to change and routine. Also, my life is extremely unorganized with no discipline, as my parents can attest to very well. Ever since I've been modeling my prayer life off of the church calendar and have been adopting Eastern Orthodox prayer practices, My life has completely changed. It has put an adrenaline shot into my prayer life. For the first time in my life, I actually feel joy as I feel connected to God and the body of Christ as never before.
    For the past few years I have been slowly but surely pulling away from evangelicalism. The reasons for this are many but are way too many for this post so I will list the top 3. The first and foremost is because of my chronic severe depression. As I have talked to a few evangelical pastors and leaders and asked them how they deal with members who have depression, they have either told me that they have no sufficient answers or that their church is not equipped to deal with that. I was rather baffled due to there being statistics of rampant depression and suicide rates in the states and Colorado being among the highest ranked.
   Reason number two is because of Tradition. While Tradition isn't as authoritative as the bible and isn't necessary for salvation, I strongly believe it should be given weight and considered. The official general teaching in Protestantism about Tradition is that it is valuable but not on the same level as scripture. This is not what I see in much of evangelicalism. My experience is that I see Tradition laughed off, disregarded and treated as irrelevant. This is a very American and modern view and I think Martin Luther would roll over in his grave at hearing this. Tradition does not take away from Christianity nor does it take away glory from God. It enriches it!
   And finally reason number three is the disconnect I see when I compare Jesus and the early church fathers in their context when compared to today. The worship is completely different. Worship has always been liturgical. While I wouldn't be dogmatic and say it's the only way, there is much beauty in liturgical worship and it truly is focused on glorifying God. I attended Divine Liturgy at Saint Luke's today and for the first time ever, I sang. Sang! I never sing! Liturgical worship has directed my ADD mind to praise God.
      I have been giving serious thought and prayer to switching traditions. I haven't made a final decision because I want to compare doctrines and continue researching the early church. Don't get me  wrong, Evangelicalism has many positive attributes. It is how I came to a saving faith and I will continue to have faith in Christ as my savior all of my days. Whether you are a believer in the Protestant or Catholic tradition, I still consider you a brother/sister in Christ. I am convinced that God is pulling my heart this way. In whatever I decide, I am not deciding without much research and especially prayer. In fact, the vast majority of my free time is currently dedicated to prayer, research and study of whether I want to join the Eastern Orthodox tradition or not. As a lover of history, I feel most connected to the church and God when I am immersed in it. I am fully aware of many of the doctrines and practices that most protestants would object to such as communion of the saints, The sacraments, icons, Apostolic Succession and the ecumenical councils. My challenge to those of you who object to these would be this: Research it. Not just what you are taught but arguments from the other side and the scriptural basis for these doctrines. these doctrines have been around for much longer than Protestantism has even existed. You don't have to believe in these. Just consider both sides of the argument. That goes for any topic really. Not just faith. I would like to close with this verse in favor of ecumenism My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21 that all of them may be one,Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— 23 I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 
     -John 17:20-23


   

An Update

         Depression has a heavy influence on my faith. I wouldn't call it the driving force nor would I call this a bad thing. If anything, if it wasn't for my depression, my faith would never have flourished.  However, I tend to lean towards theologies that have a better answer on how to deal with depression. I have asked a few evangelical pastors if they have on-campus counseling for depression or if they themselves have had any experience with depressed individuals in their congregations. Each answer was a resounding no and they also told me they don't know how to deal with it. This shocked me and this is also a big reason why I search elsewhere within the christian faith for answers. More specifically, I search the Eastern Orthodox faith and certain parts of Catholicism.
           No, I am in no way leaving Protestantism but I am adding certain parts from Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy to my own life. I have been warming up to using icons in my prayer life and I have extensively studied the theology surrounding them and a defense for using them. I also have been using prayers from patron saints of depression and anxiety and this has been a source of tremendous comfort for me. I am in the process of constructing a prayer corner that has heavy Eastern Orthodox influences as well as a bit of Catholicism as well. I am aware that many of my protestant friends would raise objections concerning these kind of practices but my response is this. Do your research. Read the history of the church, both west AND east. Look for defenses from scripture. Look at the arguments from our catholic and eastern orthodox brethren. Why do we need to be so persnickety about things that have little to no bearing on things concerning salvation? If this helps your walk with the Lord, then why not do it? I have butted heads with some of my immediate family members over these issues but I am not going to question their salvation. Nor should they question mine. This is where my journey has lead me so far.
         Severe depression still hits me in waves. I must learn how to handle it. My prayer life has been so sporadic and irregular because I literally don't know what to pray. Prescribed prayers from the two aforementioned traditions have helped me tremendously. I understand the dangers of this becoming a ritual where I just do it robotically but this can be avoided by regularly reading the scriptures and truly reflecting on the meaning of the prayers. Even the Lord's prayer is a prescribed prayer. Reflecting on the lives of the saints has also been a big help to me. Christians who have gone before us who have had depression such as Bunyan and Cowper is eye opening.
      I try my hardest to attend church but it's become such a problem for me because I am severely introverted and I get easily overwhelmed by crowds. I force myself to go and this is a big struggle for me because I feel torn in two directions. I want to be around people but I also want to be alone. When I'm alone for too long, I start getting severely depressed. Same with the other way around. It's also a big help due to me having a christian therapist.
      Another development is my going to small groups every week. It helps me to detox from the week and also to hang out with people my age who are godly. Community is becoming more and more important to me and it is for this that I am willing to force myself to break my isolation. God has not always provided me with what I want but He definitely provides for my needs and I am always thankful for these things. 25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?" And with that quotation from scripture I shall end this post

A New Beginning

    As 2016 started, my depression slowly climbed until Valentines, where it all hit the fan. I was having breakdowns daily following up to that day. Intense loneliness and suicidal thoughts; the likes of which I hadn't experienced for years. I knew something needed to change. I had been getting increasingly angry at God and extremely jealous of anyone in a relationship. I had even been considering withdrawing form church completely and permanently due to the isolation I felt. But I realized that that is not the answer. God never called us to a life of isolation regardless of our status or position. The answer is to wipe your eyes, move forward and get involved and active in any way you can. Things won't change when you sit around and wait for them to happen. God can show you the way but it is you who must take the journey.
     I think it is time for me to forget my past regrets and start a new chapter. I am going to get more involved in church and I plan to finally become a member. I fully expect to continue my struggle with depression but as painful as it is, it is absolutely necessary. Jesus never promised us a life of comfort but one of struggle and pain. Depression is what has made me closer to God and I wouldn't change it for the world.  

5 Years

      Five long years. Depression is still with me and it can be unbearable at times. A long time ago, I remember posting a quote saying that God will never give you more than you can handle. I no longer find this to be true. God will give you more than you can handle. He does this so that your whole world of self reliance comes crashing down and you are forced to choose between collapsing in on yourself like a dying star or collapsing and falling into Christ's arms. It doesn't matter what situation it is. I believe every human soul will face this situation at least once in their lifetime. As for me, I am still learning but I keep running the race and fighting the good fight no matter how many times I bite the dust or stumble. All I know is that I don't have the strength to go through life on my own so I learn to rely on Jesus
     For me, depression forces me to stare into the face of everything I fear and everything that terrifies me: Being single, being alone, anger, change, the list goes on. Oftentimes, it's like staring into a black abyss that paralyzes me and makes my heart stop. And yet I still see God move in my life. He provides for my needs by taking me by the hand and saying, 'trust me'. When that moment happens, you need to stop thinking and just trust in Jesus. That is how I attained a dependable job. It was completely unknown to me and scared me because I am an introvert and don't meet new people willingly.
     I find that I am able to serve the Lord best by aiding those closest to me. I feel I am closest to someone when I willingly share in their pain and am able to share the gospel with them. Jesus calls us to make disciples, not simply converts. That is my mission and my calling. I don't feel comfortable with just sharing the Gospel and moving on. There needs to be growth and encouragement and lifelong connections in which the foundation is love. That is something I never forgot which one of my old youth leaders Jack shared with me. I will be trying to write these more often just to get my thoughts out there and share my story

Change Among Other Things

     Change is something I struggle greatly with. Even if it's something as simple as getting a new job. Luckily, the Lord has blessed me with a full time job. I just put in my two weeks at my other job today. I look forward to the new challenges but I am paralyzed by such dark depression. Loneliness as a feeling has gotten so intense that it terrifies me. Almost to tears. I don't ask anyone about their life anymore because when they bring up their boyfriend/girlfriend, it makes me really self conscious and extremely uncomfortable. I often retreat emotionally and socially (especially) to escape the pain but of course it doesn't go away. It's hard for me to make friends as well because I no longer trust people as a rule. They usually stop contacting me for no apparent reason
     Despite all this, the one thing I have left that I value is Jesus so I am forced to trust him. It's definitely not easy because I am not accustomed to waiting or being patient. It makes me want to kick the wall and scream but that's when you have to force yourself to be in God's word. Just praying for friendships and someone who cares for me.

Self Injury

     Many people don"t understand self injury such as cutting and it is not often enough addressed in our society so I feel it is necessary to touch on the subject. In truth, I never understood any of self injury, much less why someone would do such a thing to themselves until I slipped into a deep clinical depression. The two types of self injury I have a connection with are cutting and attempted suicide.
     Why would someone harm themselves by cutting? What prompts someone to do such a thing? Depression is hatred towards the self. I hated myself for a very long time. I had so many feelings bottled up inside that I had no idea how to express them so I started to slash my arms with a knife. It was a release for me and I got some sort of strange sadistic pleasure from it. It was an outlet for all my feelings of loneliness. It helped for a while but it's a only a temporary relief.  I usually felt disgusted with myself afterwards.  It only increased my self loathing. I eventually wore long sleeve shirts to hide my arms. I still bear the scars today. It becomes dangerously addictive after a while.
    I eventually started to plan out suicide. I will not go into detail about any plans but suffice to say that they were all violent and only involved harming myself and not others. Self injury is a serious issue and it's not something one can overcome by sheer will. Nor can clinical depression be overcome by sheer will. Anyone who tells you otherwise either doesn't know what they are talking about or they are lying to you. You need to get help if you feel this way. Nobody will think you are crazy and I know it's scary but it is definitely possible to beat this. You need to find a reason to live. God speaks to us loudest when we are suffering and in pain
   

Purposeful Living

      So many people today follow the American Dream. Have the best car, house, wife and life. While I agree that it's important to make a living, the American Dream strongly rubs me the wrong way. It is beyond selfish and materialistic. It's about achieving your dreams no matter what the cost. Even if it hurts someone else, it's okay to continue to pursue whatever you want. This the message that our culture conveys to our youth. I remember this being preached to me weekly when I was in middle and high school. I outright rejected this flawed philosophy. Our culture has a philosophy where we say 'eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die.' This philosophy is much older than we realize. It is found in the old testament in the bible. As a christian, I believe each and every one of us has a purpose for living. Our duty is to find out why we are here, what God wants us to do with our lives and pursue that goal with the fervor of running a marathon.
      What is my purpose? what does God want me to do? I am still discovering what God wants me to do but right now, it has been made evident to me that God wishes for me to study his Word and grow by following Christ. Depression took 4 years of my life. A pretty big chunk, but it served it's purpose and God used that to shape and mold me into the person I am today and I don't regret a single moment of it. Sure, there were times of indescribable pain but God uses that pain to shout to us. I resisted his will for me by trying to do something I was never supposed to do. I looked for any opportunity to jump into a relationship. So much so that I put it above Christ. That is when I realized I broke one of the first commandments. Idolatry. Selfishness. Greed. These are mixed in with depression so intricately that most people don't realize it. Jesus gave me a purpose and I live by this Catechism: 'Man's chief end is to glorify God, [a] and to enjoy him for ever. [b]'. That is what we were created to do. It is clear right from the beginning in the book of Genesis.
   As Americans, we greatly value our freedoms, but what we don't realize is that we're all slaves to something. We have this intense desire to be independent and we see ourselves the captains of our own destiny. In one sense this is true, but we all worship something and that is what makes us slaves. What do we worship? It depends on the person and their deepest desires. Some worship the self, money, work, even other gods. We all take on the characteristics of what we worship. For example, the ancient Corinthians of  Greece worshiped their patron goddess Aphrodite, the goddess of love. This goddess has a reputation for being highly immoral and promiscuous and that is what we see in the culture of that time. So many of us worship things that don't last and have such terrible and uncertain reliability. I used to worship relationships with other people but I quickly found out that it doesn't last. A relationship with Christ does and that is what I have really been searching for all along. It gives me purpose and an eternity and I know his claims for Deity are true. I have done extensive studies and research and I dedicate my life to him so I have purpose.
   I have prayed for a hunger for scripture and a desire to know God and he has answered my prayers and showered me with blessings in abundance. I don't know what God's purpose is for me yet, but I know the key to purposeful living and I will follow it with all my heart, mind and soul. To Christ be the glory forever and ever. Amen