Musings On Heaven And Hell

   Depression forces you to look at yourself spiritually. It forces you to ask the big questions like 'Is there an afterlife? Is this really all there is?'  I believe there definitely is an afterlife and where you go depends on your choices in this life. Heaven or Hell

     I will start by discussing Hell so that way I can end this post with a positive note. Many of my friends who aren't christian always ask me something like this: 'Why would a loving God send people to hell?' First of all, God is definitely the very definition of love but He is not blind to disobedience and outright rebellion. If God didn't love us then he would never have sent His son to die in place of our sins. Hell was intended for Satan and his angels but The Fall changed that. 2 Peter 2:4 "For if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but cast them into hell and committed them to chains of gloomy darkness to be kept until the judgment;"  The bible describes what kind of people are in hell:
    Revelation 21:8 "But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars--they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death."  Instead of seeing God putting people in hell think of it like this; It is your choice whether you go to heaven or hell. You can either reject God's free gift of eternal life or you can accept it. I believe that if people in hell were allowed a chance to get into heaven, they wouldn't take it because that is what they chose and they want nothing to do with God. That is very sad when you think about it. Hell will be a place without hope and love. Worst of all will be the eternal absence of the presence of God. That is truly the death of hope. Hell is a physical place where people will experience physical, emotional and spiritual pain. I believe one of the painful realizations of hell will be that if you go there, you will be haunted by the fact that either by ignorance or by choice had rejected God's gift of eternity. So He will create a place for what you have chosen in life.

     Now that all that gloominess is out of the way, lets discuss heaven. Contrary to popular belief, you cannot earn  your way into heaven. It is by faith in Christ and not by works of your own hands that get you into heaven. Heaven will be a place of joy and loving. Best of all, you will be in the unspeakable presence of the Lord. This is what keeps me going through depression.

         John 14:2-4 "In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." I love how Jesus speaks with such certainty and authority. He is personally preparing a place for us in His father's house! I personally cannot wait to get to heaven. 

    Revelation 21:4-8 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." It is truly wonderful to know that it will not be the work of some angel to wipe away your tears. It will be the Lord himself! Now keep in mind that this is from Revelation and even when we are in heaven, we will still have even more to look forward to. Jesus will return to earth and make everything new. Notice how He says new and not restored. I can only imagine what that means! Another thing that really excites me about heaven is getting a glorified body. This frail thing will pass away someday and I won't miss it because there are certain aspects of my body that give me great sadness. But I rejoice in knowing that this life is only temporary. The Lord has given me hope and I trust in His word. I hope you found this post to be inspiring and eye opening!

Beaten And Weary But Not Defeated

    This past month has been very dark. Mentally and spiritually. I've noticed my moods can take huge swings. The littlest things can set me off. Like seeing a picture or a status update on facebook. That can easily upset me. I can go from being suicidal to really excited and determined and it has often made me wonder if I have bipolar disorder. I can see how I would because I can go to the deepest darkest emotional pits but I also have my doubts about me having this disorder. I may have mood swings but I don't get SUPER happy, and I know that that's an important attribute for people with bipolar disorder.
     I came very close to completely losing my faith these past few weeks. I got so angry and distrustful of God that I stopped praying altogether and I completely ignored Him. I didn't have any confidence that He had my best interests at heart nor did I feel that He even cared. I have been feeling so lonely that I feel neglected and unloved. Cutting God out of my life made me feel truly alone. I will describe this to the best of my ability. It felt as if one of my senses had been completely cut off and that caused me to go into a sort of shock. Even at work, I just felt like a zombie. I just did my work and nothing else around me mattered. I had thought about praying again but in my head, I have a habit of predicting how conversations will go and I predicted that it would get me nowhere so I gave up on the notion. I do this with people too. Especially with people I'm angry with or have had a fight with. But the truth is, I really can't predict what people will say. People have surprised me with what they have had to say and I decided to give God another chance. I started out by asking for forgiveness because I know I had been extremely stubborn and prideful. I ended up just laying all my troubles at His feet and I felt that I had reconciled with God and once again, I felt like He would watch over and take care of me.
      I still have extreme episodes of loneliness. I'm frustrated that things aren't moving forward so I am taking slow but drastic steps to make a life and living. I am doing research on possible bible colleges/classes to take. I am hoping to make new friends and to find a girlfriend within the near future. I am sad, weary and exhausted but I am not defeated. I have faith that if I keep God close to me, then I can achieve anything!

The Big Picture

     I feel that as humans, we often fail to see the big picture. It's not about my life, it's about eternity. I have for as long as I can remember, just focused on what I want and what I think that I need. A final resolution to my intense loneliness. I have thought of it for too long as a curse and it has been the driving force behind suicidal thoughts and attempts. I still have passing thoughts of suicide and I have often wondered if this is normal. My therapist assures me that it is and they will continue to ebb and wane as depression continues. They act like aftershocks.
     While it is true that these thoughts have often prevented me from seeing the big picture, I am still able to take a step back and look with an objective point of view. God will provide whatever is necessary to keep me alive as long as He wishes me to be. I have had pretty severe trust issues with God for the past few months. So severe that I had ignored Him because I did not believe He was doing anything for me or even listening to me. I was trying to get God to submit to me when it should've been the other way around. It made me realize something. You can't stop thoughts from entering your mind but it is ultimately up to you whether you listen and give in to them. I had become so physically and emotionally exhausted that I gave in to nearly every thought that entered my mind.
      Thoughts may just be in your head but they definitely affect you and some may be so strong that it is shown to others through your body language and expressions. I often get so absorbed in a thought process that all happiness will drain from my being and I don't hear or see anything beyond what I am focusing on. If you don't have the will to battle these thoughts then I strongly suggest you busy yourself quickly. It definitely works and it lets your mind rest.
      I have slowly but cautiously been starting to trust in God again. I am still learning how to let go of those desires and things I so desperately want and I gotta tell ya, it's the hardest thing I've ever tried doing. While the things I hold onto may be unique, it is not a new concept. Each and every person has desires they hold onto even if they don't realize it. Only by learning to lay these things before Christ can we continue on our journey to get to know Him

The Dark Days

     There have been many happenings this past week that are very significant for me. They have really changed the course of my depression. Unfortunately it has been for the worse. I won't explain the events due to it being personal but suffice to say it has made me feel extremely lonely. To the point where I feel as if I am going to have a panic attack. Loneliness is a weird thing. When it's intense, you desire to have someone but at the same time you don't want to be near anybody because you don't want them to see or think that you're lonely. Everything around you is just deafening silence. I'm on the verge of giving up everything. I don't talk to God anymore because I feel He doesn't help me and it's taking way too long for me to find somebody and no matter how hard I try, I get rejected. I'm angry at God for that. I'm done waiting I just don't have anything to say to Him. The pain's too deep and the depression is too strong for me to have hope. It feels like I've been dragging a boulder behind me for years. No progress on the relationship front and I just don't see any hope or happiness. Just pain and tears

Patterns

    For me, depression has been a lot like the ocean tide. It waxes and it wanes. Yet, I still feel it even when I'm at my highest mood. I admit, depression has given me a somewhat cynical view of the world and life.  But my biblical view colors my perspective as well. I see the world as merciless and inherently evil. I see life as nothing but a trial to be overcome. This view of life helps to shut out the pain I feel. This pain has never been fully blocked. Just numbed to the point where life is at least bearable.
      I find true happiness to be a very elusive state of being.  I don't understand how to even be satisfied. Most people obtain satisfaction and happiness by achieving their dreams. I understand this very well now. I am the same way. however, most people's dreams seem to be career related. Mine is different. My dream is to get married and have children while I'm still young. This is where the heart of my depression is exposed. I find this extremely difficult to talk about. Tears are welling up in my eyes even now as I type this. Having the kind of intimacy and relationship that a girlfriend can provide is the only thing I truly care to experience.I haven't even been able to make a single inch of progress towards my dream my entire life. It's led to humiliation, embarrassment, despair, extreme anger, and even suicide attempts in the past. It's gotten to the point where I get extremely uncomfortable being around couples.
      Suicide is one of those things where it marks you for life and it burns the memories of those feelings into your mind. Suicide is the end of the road. I am reminded of it every day. At the best it's just a fleeting thought. When deep depression sets in, Everything around me becomes meaningless and all the noise cancels out. It's just me and a deep sadness. Keeping control of your thoughts is difficult to describe when you're in this state of mind. It's like trying to put a plug on a geyser. The plug being positive thoughts you can hold onto and believe in, and the negative thoughts being the geyser.
    Do I see any hope? I honestly don't see hope, but I don't see bad things either when I look into the future with a logical mindset. I tell you the truth, I'm pretty much just continuing with my life to see if things get any better. Friends and coworkers help to keep me distracted and it helps keep the darkness of depression at bay. As for God.... I've become afraid of Him. I don't even know what to pray anymore because my heart is so broken and my confidence shattered

Insight And Shifting Of Focus

       Depression is one of those things that doesn't go away overnight. There are bad days and there are okay days. Today I am feeling okay but I am definitely having tension headaches from depression. I feel stretched thin and exhausted. Something that helps me with depression is hanging out with friends and to keep focused on that. I guess I feel rather lonely because my brother has a girlfriend and now I'm the only single person in my family. I try to keep away from my house as long as possible because of that. I don't really find anything in my room or any of my possessions entertaining. I see them as stalling tactics to keep depression at bay. It is a constant battle.
       Another thing that has helped my depression is studying the bible and strengthening my relationship with Jesus. He's the only one who can offer true, meaningful, and eternal comfort. I try not to share my feelings or worries with any of my friends anymore because they get frustrated and angry. That makes me feel isolated even further. My true friends are the ones who have cared for me in the good times and the bad. Instead of worrying about the future and dwelling on my intense loneliness and deep desire for a relationship, I've shifted my focus to depending on God and trusting that He has a plan for me. My parents are constantly hounding me to go to college. What they don't understand is that my most difficult times were in school. Not because of me being socially introverted but because I have extreme difficulty in learning. It's actually made me hate school and learning. I honestly feel that God is telling me that college isn't the path for me. I am okay with that. I don't need education to make me feel secure and smart. I have talents that you can't learn in school. I feel God has blessed me with caring for hurting people and other spiritual talents. I am honestly okay with having to get by financially on a full time job. I don't need the luxury of a degree. I can make a difference right here, right now. I just need to keep listening to God and to keep growing.
     My fight with depression is far from over. I'm okay with that. In the long run, it's God's way of helping me grow and maybe it's one of the few ways I'll listen to Him. If I have to go through this for the rest of my life, then so be it. It's a small price to pay. I'd rather be in pain and learn from God than to go through life ignorant and not knowing Him at all. I shall wait patiently and see what He has in store for me. There is no need to fear the future

Patience And Endurance

    Depression's easy to get through when you're too busy to even think about it but there are times when it hits you out of nowhere. Hard. Loneliness isn't easy to forget. It makes you feel alone even when you're in a crowded room or surrounded by friends. For me, it makes me super quiet and I avoid contact with people. The more lonely I feel, the harder it is to share my feelings and the more hope I lose. I have all but given up in hoping for a relationship.In fact, I have lost so much hope that I don't even trust God to take care of that area of my life anymore. I don't touch that area of my life either. It's a catalyst for suicide so I let it gather dust.
       How do you regain hope when you have lost all patience? It really does feel like a distant thing and it feels intangible. It makes my heart heavy and it makes life seem dark. Depression has made me feel like life is nothing but a testing and training ground where endurance is all that matters. I feel so beaten down and hurt. I feel like there's no choice but to keep going. No rests, no breathers. My priority is to regain my faith but and trust in God but that's easier said than done. I need to start exposing myself to church again for a start. Everything else is uncertain