Insight And Shifting Of Focus

       Depression is one of those things that doesn't go away overnight. There are bad days and there are okay days. Today I am feeling okay but I am definitely having tension headaches from depression. I feel stretched thin and exhausted. Something that helps me with depression is hanging out with friends and to keep focused on that. I guess I feel rather lonely because my brother has a girlfriend and now I'm the only single person in my family. I try to keep away from my house as long as possible because of that. I don't really find anything in my room or any of my possessions entertaining. I see them as stalling tactics to keep depression at bay. It is a constant battle.
       Another thing that has helped my depression is studying the bible and strengthening my relationship with Jesus. He's the only one who can offer true, meaningful, and eternal comfort. I try not to share my feelings or worries with any of my friends anymore because they get frustrated and angry. That makes me feel isolated even further. My true friends are the ones who have cared for me in the good times and the bad. Instead of worrying about the future and dwelling on my intense loneliness and deep desire for a relationship, I've shifted my focus to depending on God and trusting that He has a plan for me. My parents are constantly hounding me to go to college. What they don't understand is that my most difficult times were in school. Not because of me being socially introverted but because I have extreme difficulty in learning. It's actually made me hate school and learning. I honestly feel that God is telling me that college isn't the path for me. I am okay with that. I don't need education to make me feel secure and smart. I have talents that you can't learn in school. I feel God has blessed me with caring for hurting people and other spiritual talents. I am honestly okay with having to get by financially on a full time job. I don't need the luxury of a degree. I can make a difference right here, right now. I just need to keep listening to God and to keep growing.
     My fight with depression is far from over. I'm okay with that. In the long run, it's God's way of helping me grow and maybe it's one of the few ways I'll listen to Him. If I have to go through this for the rest of my life, then so be it. It's a small price to pay. I'd rather be in pain and learn from God than to go through life ignorant and not knowing Him at all. I shall wait patiently and see what He has in store for me. There is no need to fear the future

Patience And Endurance

    Depression's easy to get through when you're too busy to even think about it but there are times when it hits you out of nowhere. Hard. Loneliness isn't easy to forget. It makes you feel alone even when you're in a crowded room or surrounded by friends. For me, it makes me super quiet and I avoid contact with people. The more lonely I feel, the harder it is to share my feelings and the more hope I lose. I have all but given up in hoping for a relationship.In fact, I have lost so much hope that I don't even trust God to take care of that area of my life anymore. I don't touch that area of my life either. It's a catalyst for suicide so I let it gather dust.
       How do you regain hope when you have lost all patience? It really does feel like a distant thing and it feels intangible. It makes my heart heavy and it makes life seem dark. Depression has made me feel like life is nothing but a testing and training ground where endurance is all that matters. I feel so beaten down and hurt. I feel like there's no choice but to keep going. No rests, no breathers. My priority is to regain my faith but and trust in God but that's easier said than done. I need to start exposing myself to church again for a start. Everything else is uncertain 

No Man's Land

      I guess the best words to describe what I'm feeling now are lost and stuck. I feel like life has slowed to a screeching halt. It's hard for me to think when so many people around me are getting married and having babies. I've had this feeling of hurt so long that I'm numb to it. I have tried to shut out the pain with things like smoking or alcohol but those are only temporary solutions. I feel that all I can do is just let the pain wash over me and let it take it's course. I actually haven't been paying attention to what has been going on in other people's lives because I find it too painful when they mention their significant other. I have slowly cut off a lot of social connections in an effort to concentrate on just me but I have been slowly destroying myself. I'm at a point in depression where I feel that people no longer wish to hear anything from me so I retreat emotionally and in some cases, physically.
      I no longer seek advice for depression. If somebody just gives me their advice without me prompting them, then I usually take it into consideration but I don't acknowledge it publicly. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. My therapist says that I've put up a mental block in order to prevent me from having to deal with constant depression so instead of it affecting me during the day, it attacks viciously at night. I have endless nightmares. All I know is that I need to find a solution

New Perspective

     Depression has been through the roof this past month. I thought the cause was loneliness but a friend of mine helped me realize that it's just a side affect of depression. Maybe I don't know the cause. Maybe God doesn't need me to know. I just have to have faith and endure. If that's the case, then I will happily endure. Depression's always made me feel so helpless because I felt like it's prevented me from doing so many things. I think it's time to move on with my life and learn to cope with it as I move forward. I'm not going to let depression prevent me from achieving what I want out of life and I definitely refuse to let it hinder my relationship with Jesus. If anything, I believe he's using depression for my own good and I will learn everything He wants me to learn. Oh yes, I'm sure there will be times when sadness is so great that it brings me to my knees but that's when Jesus communicates the loudest.
     Over the past 2 years, I have learned what coping mechanisms are the most effective for me. I find that going to church, socializing, and strengthening my faith is the strongest coping mechanism I have. I've been expanding my social circle and stepping out of my comfort zone. I've made a time to go to coffee and enjoy getting to know a new friend which I am quite looking forward to. I am so thankful for Jesus and everything in my life

Medicine

   In my experience, emotional pain is a lot worse than physical pain because you at least can treat most physical pain with medicine or anesthetics. You can't do that with emotional pain. Your choices are to do your best to keep busy and to fight it with sheer willpower. The pain is suffocating and paralyzing at times. It also induces panic attacks and breakdowns. Emotional pain is an inevitable part of clinical depression and past suicidal thoughts/tendencies. The pain is so severe that it distorts my thinking a lot of the time. It forces me to turn to God because it renders all my other options either irrelevant or ineffective. I consider this a good thing because I have a tendency to stray away from the Lord. I see this depression as His way of getting me to run back into His arms. It's made it easy for me to identify where I am extremely stubborn and where I am sinful. It has made me realize that I can't possibly handle all this on my own. For most of my life, I've always handled my emotional issues and kept them to myself. Even traumatic experiences. I hate opening up my emotional side because it makes me feel exposed and weak.
      Lately, depression has been spiking super high. The loneliness is so intense that it's quite hard for me to describe. It makes me feel that I am nothing but an observer. A spectator. I can usually keep these feelings buried but an event triggered them. Last week I was at a party with my coworkers and even though there was much laughter and fun, the first thing I noticed is that all of my coworkers had someone with them. Someone close to them. Either a boyfriend/girlfriend, a fiancee or a spouse. I got real serious and quiet that night. It made me feel like a third wheel and it felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest. I still feel that way now. I can't stop the shaking and the tears. I can't see any hope in my future at all. I want things to happen while I'm young. This pain is unbearable. Even when someone casually slips in their boyfriend/girlfriend into a conversation it still sets me off. I just don't know what to do anymore I am just surrounded by pain. I just want to shut everything out. I need some hope

Paths

     People take many paths to happiness. Or at least, what they believe will make them happy. Everyone's actions are influenced by their desire for happiness. And that's not always a bad thing. Everyone wants to be happy. However, true happiness is not so easily attained. Everyone sins while searching for true happiness. Part of the reason why people sin is because they believe the action they are about to commit will in some way make them happy. Everyone has sinned and everyone will sin in the future.
      In my experience, I found that attempting to find eternal or even temporary happiness in people or things other than Christ only lead to heartbreak, disappointment, and disillusionment. I still struggle to understand how I could possibly be satisfied solely with Christ. I do not believe my depression will end until I learn what God wants me to learn. It's definitely a journey. It has it's 'aha!' moments and it's frustrations. Plenty of tears along the way as well. I still strongly feel the pain of loneliness and I have an extreme desire for a female companion but I haven't been able to move forward at all. I try to block it out because it's the strongest part of my depression and has repeatedly led me to despair and suicidal thoughts. My goal is Christ but I have often veered from that path. I am lucky that He will always welcome me back with open arms. I feel safe when I am near Him. I guess what really baffles me is how can He be all that I need when he isn't physically there with me? I'm an affectionate person and I desire a physical presence. It's extremely frustrating. There are days when I feel so lonely that it becomes hard to breathe and I often burst into tears. I feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by friends because I know that they have someone. It's an issue I've never been able to resolve. The only choice for me is to keep moving forward and see what God has in store for me

Clinging To Christ

      I can say with confidence that without Christ, I would not be alive today to write this post. It is so easy to take a look at the world and get discouraged. Wickedness is everywhere and the pressures within our culture alone are staggering. Our culture always tells us to get the best car, the best woman/man, the best house, the best life. That's just one example of how stressful it can be when this is constantly on your mind. If I was able to re-define the American Dream, I would say that living freely in Christ is the real American dream. So many people are ensnared by the ideology that things, possessions, and people will make you happy. It's only partly true. These things will satisfy you for a time but you will tire of it and you will hunger for more. You will always be fulfilled when seeking Christ because it is the ultimate answer to life. There is always more to learn and there will always be people who are spiritually starving. Don't just preach the change; BE the change. People need to see the change in you and your actions. Actions speak louder than words.
      Depression is by far the most challenging enemy I've ever had to face because it has made me question everything about me and around me. It has shaken me to the core. Depression makes you battle yourself and it can even turn into a fight for your life. For me, it's almost like there's two people inside of me. One is my sinful and negative human nature and the other person is who Christ wants me to be. I battle with thoughts every day such as 'You will never feel fulfilled or happy in this life.' Now at this point I have 2 choices. I can either feed this negative thought or starve it.If I feed it, thoughts become feelings and those feelings constantly drain my willpower and happiness until I am forced into action. Or I can ignore it and tell myself the opposite. 'You don't know that. Only God knows your future and He wants what is best for you.' So I keep pushing forward however painful it may be. If I don't push forward, I can easily be threatened with my past memories and thoughts of suicide. Those will never escape my mind but I'm okay with that because it serves as a reminder as to what I've been through. If I keep clinging to Christ and keep my focus on Him, then I am unstoppable.