Depression's New Face

      There are new challenges ahead for me. I am really scared because I've known it would come back to haunt me later in life. There is good news, however. I had a very important psychologist meeting today and it helped me see the path I must take. He said that it is a good sign that I am constantly fighting my emotions and good that I burst into tears daily. This helps to release a lot of built up tension and I react by getting really frustrated and angry. My psychologist said this is a way of my mind and body saying to my depression, 'enough. Stop'. I finally have the will to roll up my sleeves and fight my depression and challenge my negative thoughts.
     My psychiatrist also said that these feelings of extreme loneliness, loss, and frustration will take a while to go away. I have felt that I'm stuck in place while my friends and the rest of the world moves on without me. I still feel like that. I have a strong sense of a hole in my heart due to lack of intimacy. That is the single, solitary thing that is strongest in my depression. I would give all my possessions away for a romantic relationship and this is not something that I state lightly. It is the ultimate desire of my heart and I am extremely embarrassed and ashamed to say that I have never experienced a relationship. I used to lie ALL the time about having a girlfriend because it was unthinkable to me for anyone to know I have never had that experience. I struggle with it daily and do everything I can to keep it from diminishing me. The last time I attempted to get into a relationship, it broke my heart and shattered my confidence. Today, I hold very little hope of ever finding my soul mate. I am working on changing that but it is a great challenge.
     Another thing that has me very down is loneliness of a different form. This past week, I have been craving the company of friends, so that I wouldn't be alone and so I wouldn't constantly suffer from heartache. It's strange. When I'm downstairs watching a movie with my parents, I almost feel as if depression was never there. Or as if it's being suppressed. When I go back upstairs however, the depression rushes back and I find myself literally gasping for breath and on the verge of tears. More and more, I am finding that I need something constant, something that's always there so I can be happy. I know that a girlfriend isn't going to fulfill all my emotional needs but to tell you the truth, I honestly don't care. I want that experience. I've looked for happiness in my friends and I have found it to be insufficient. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death but my sister helped me realize that they won't always be there for me. I am seeing more and more that in this world, I need to find my own happiness. Depression has made me see how cruel and unforgiving life can be. And unfortunately, I think depression has permanently dimmed my view on life. For much of my school years and my short time in adulthood, I have experienced much pain and suffering and I hear much about the world's pain and suffering as well as the suffering of my friends. A good thing about depression is that it hasn't completely hardened me. I am sensitive to other people's pain and suffering more than ever. Now that I have experienced it, I can't stand to see people suffer. As for suicide, I wrote down a promise in my journal that I will forever take a stand against it. I will never take my own life. There are other ways to numb the pain. The bible helps as does certain medications. However, medications are not a cure-all. They will not take away your painful feelings and emotions and they will not take away your depression. They only serve to make depression bearable.
              My direction I must take to get better is to get involved with society and find a job. Now, I have been looking for one for a year now but much of the reason why don't have one is because I have an intense fear of talking to people I don't know. I never initiate conversation with strangers. In fact, it was my friends who first started conversation with me. If they hadn't, then I would have little to no friends. I am an extremely shy person. In school, I NEVER raised my hand unless I had to. One of my good friends whom I went to front range with can attest to that. I never went to social gatherings and I never went to parties. I did go to youth group occasionally but I always stood at the back in a corner. I've been shy my whole life and it's something I hate about myself. It is the thing that is keeping me from moving forward. It's one of my biggest demons that I face but I am determined to conquer it. That is the new face of my depression. I may still have depression for a while, but God can use this time to mold me into the person that he wants me to be.

Dark Thoughts Part 2

     9/07/11
   I have such a heavy heart. Everyday, I feel like I'm dragging around a heavy weight. I'm plagued everyday with thoughts of loneliness and hopelessness. Having no girlfriend is like having a chunk of me that's missing or broken. I'm so upset. Sometimes I seriously still think that death would be a sweet release. Constant tension in my head is exhausting. Endless dreams and nightmares have been hounding me every night. I shrink away whenever a topic like sex or relationships come up with my friends because I"m so ashamed. I feel like it's a far off dream and that it couldn't possibly happen to me. I feel so inexperienced and stupid. I'm crying right now. It's so embarrassing to me. I feel like I die a little bit each day.


        Even though this was written last year, much of these troubles and sorrows still plague me to this day. More recently, I hear rumors of my family discussing whether or not to put me in the hospital. That scares me to death. More than ever, I strongly desire the company of friends for comfort. I still promise to fight this depression with everything I got but it's so overwhelming that I need comfort. I know I am not the only one going through this. It would be a sweet temporary relief if I could even help anyone in need. I know what it feels like. It's hell. My eyes and face have been swollen from tears for the past week. I do not know why my depression has all of the sudden had a huge spike. I do think that it's my fault for letting these negative thoughts for overwhelming me. It starts out like a whisper and then it grows louder and louder. It's more like a scream now that's saying, 'YOU'RE ALONE! YOU'LL NEVER MOVE FORWARD OR GET MARRIED! EVERYONE IS TOO BUSY TO BOTHER WITH YOU!'I am currently fighting these thoughts with all my might. I am either blocking it out or, whenever I have the courage, I challenge these thoughts with rationale and logic. It is the hardest thing I've ever gone through because I've entertained negative thoughts for most of my life. I want the pain to stop so badly. My mind feels extremely exhausted and sore. I love all of my friends and family. If they were all here with me now, I would hug each and every one of them. The best thing for me right now is to be among friends

Dark Thoughts Part 1

        The following are entry is from my journal. I cried while writing it.



2/26/12
   Life is nothing but a cruel joke. I've reached my wit's end and I'm done fighting. My whole life, I've looked for a girl and what do I get? Nothing but sever pain, rejection, and humiliation. I beg God daily to take my life. My life isn't valuable to me. I hate it. I don't have the will to end my own life. I am a coward. It's a curse and I question my purpose in life. I see no end in sight to this depression and the desires of my heart will never be granted. It's not like I'm asking for a million dollars. I'm only asking for a woman of my own whom I can love and cherish. I see nothing but darkness ahead. Death is honestly preferable than this agonizing heartbreak. Every night I sleep, I wake up every hour and I burst into tears from emotional pain. There is no respite from this day or night. This is hell in every sense of the word. I feel inferior to everyone and I feel denied of any chance for a relationship. That's what hurts the most. I see people break up from a relationship and then literally the next day, they find another person to be with. This baffles me. How the hell is this possible??? Am I too ugly? Am I stupid? I'm done with this.

         I have been extremely angry and fed up lately. I was thinking of suicide while I was writing this but I decided to take my emergency medicine and went to sleep. I still woke up every hour in pain. I've been weeping for a day and a half now and the only prayer I can come up with is, "help". I believe that it will honestly take a miracle to get me through this

Painful Prayer

       I have never felt so hollow, empty, and unloved in my life. It's one of those days that becomes unbearable for me. I've been heaving screaming and crying from extreme emotional pain for most of the day. I have God in my life but I feel a huge hole in my heart and it hurts daily. It is a burden I feel is almost too heavy for me to bear. It's becoming painful to wake up to another day alone each and every day. I am so angry and frustrated and I feel completely unattractive. I pray at least 5 times a day for God to sustain me and I beg Him to fill the hole in my heart. It's honestly becoming overwhelming because I feel like I'm a walking, talking broken man. It's really difficult for me to see life as something positive. Lately, I've been seeing it as a curse and filled with unrelenting pain. Today is a day where I feel absolutely heartbroken and alone. I just want to stop hurting. These past few weeks have strained my endurance, will, and patience to their limit. I endure trial after trial and I see no end in sight nor any comfort.I am finding this depression to be like a parasite that won't let go. 
       I see only one choice: Create as many distractions as possible. My instincts are against me. They are screaming for me to end the pain but I will ignore them with all my might. I must exercise, eat healthy, hang out with friends, anything to stave off this depression. I do not have the strength to deal with my feelings so I'm going to shut them out until I figure out how to deal with them.
        I have an extremely difficult time giving everything over to God and trusting him completely because I am scared to death by the possibility that a girlfriend or wife will not be part of my life. That I will die alone. That is my greatest fear and it frightens me to death and currently has me paralyzed. At this point, I pray for God to have mercy on me. I am nearly spent. Only time will tell what happens next.

My Old Nature Is Dead: Before And After

      I am still shaken from my last psychiatrist session from two days ago. It's made me realize a lot of things. There is absolutely no going back to the way things were. I am no longer the person I once was. That Alex, in a way, died after my first suicide attempt. I strongly believe that God is using my depression as a way of making me stronger and more like Christ. I have a thirst to read the bible like I never did before. I understand things about Jesus now that just didn't click for me before my depression. My very personality has changed dramatically and for the better. Before, I admit that I was callous and oblivious to other people's suffering but now it honestly pains me to see people going through so much hardship. I would do anything within my power to help them. Before, I was proud and boastful. But now, what is there to boast about? I am no better than anyone on this earth. We are all sinners.
          Even my humor has been affected. Before, I found humor in such crude and dirty jokes. I found humor in really vulgar and rude jokes as well. When my depression hit, all humor left my life. Everything was dark. Even though I am still in the midst of depression, I have regained some of my sense of humor but it is extremely different. I no longer find humor in such vulgar jokes or situations. Yes, I will still make very nerdy jokes from time to time but lately my mind has been focused on God.
         I have gone from a callous, cold and uncaring person to a more sensitive and loving person. I accept that I am still a sinner and that I will make many more mistakes but it is a comfort knowing that Jesus has already forgiven me. That is something that I still have trouble wrapping my head around. Truthfully, I don't think anyone can fully grasp just how wonderful this is. Something I've done my whole life is the habit of stuffing my emotions deep down in my subconscious and I foolishly thought they were gone. I felt that it was the one thing in life that I had control over. When depression unexpectedly came upon me, I lost complete control of my emotions and it scared me to death. It still does sometimes. I would cry for no apparent reason and I would cry in front of people. Now if you know me, then you know that I hate to reveal my emotions and cry in front of people. I realize now that emotions are nothing to be ashamed of. I must let them out and vent if I am to get better. I am still learning this and it has been very difficult for me because I have no idea how to confront my emotions. It is very foreign to me. I think at this point it is something that I must give over to God because it is beyond my capability. I still have so much to learn.
           I have also learned that it is possible for depression to go into a sort of 'remission' or hibernation. It went away for nearly a month and I was happy and smiling but deep down, I still felt it. I knew it was there, it was only suppressed. It came back with a vengeance on valentine's day. I cannot overcome depression until I have learned everything that God needs me to learn. Until that time, I am under His authority and His guidance.  

Reasons Behind The Loneliness And The Suicidal Feelings

        I can trace being lonely all the way back to 5th grade. I had very few friends. But that was the year I met this girl. She was so much like me and we became very good friends. I eventually fell in love with her. By sixth grade, things fell apart. This set the foundation and basis for my depression. It was a combination of things that got me suicidal. The change in going from class to class instead of having a homeroom really took a toll on me. I hate change. What's worse, unfortunately I can't remember how it happened but the girl I befriended the year before eventually cut off our friendship. I may not remember the circumstances surrounding this but what I do remember are the feelings. Extreme pain, loss, anger, and a huge, gaping hole in my heart. This dissolved friendship haunted me for 5 years. It is the thing that made me crave intimacy and what makes me frightened to death of being alone.
        My grades started slipping and I couldn't cope with the homework. 6th grade is also when I found out that I had ADD. Eventually, my grades had become so far gone that I gave up trying altogether and became suicidal. I was grounded for the whole year because of my grades. This is what made me hate school and hate college. I am not academically gifted and I am not ashamed to admit this. I know I have other gifts.
    In high school, I started to become outgoing to compensate for my loneliness. I made many friends and acquaintances but this wasn't enough for me. I strongly desired intimacy. I wanted someone who truly loved me and I could love them back. I prayed so hard for a girlfriend in high school but I never got one. The closest and most intimate thing for me would've been when I went to prom with one of my best friends.
      Something I realize is that when I find someone I'm interested in, I do everything in my power to be with them and try to get them as my girlfriend. This habit of mine has caused me extreme grief and sorrow for most of my life. I've also been extremely angry with myself because by instinct, I never verbalize how I feel and I stuff my feelings deep down in my subconscious because I am afraid of getting hurt. I am extremely shy and I rarely initiate conversation with strangers.
       After high school, I felt extremely Isolated and lonely. I compensated by hanging out with my friend whom I went to prom with. It satisfied me for a time. But my feelings for her grew and grew. They grew to the point where I believed her to be, 'the one'.  This was the first time in my life where I verbalized my feelings. I only did this because I thought I was going to lose her and my depression was growing and making me desperate. I suspect that she didn't know how to respond. I am someone who needs a yes or no answer. I poured soooo much of myself into this potential relationship to the point where it became dangerous for me. I had anxiety attacks on a regular basis and I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. When I finally got my answer, it was no. But at that point I was glad to just have an answer. I thought that I could just put the matter to rest. This was about march of last year.This is the same girl whom I took a class with. When the class ended, that was the last time I saw her. I've prayed so hard that my feelings for her would fade but they haven't. I've just been suppressing them. This felt like a repeat of what happened with the girl I befriended in 5th grade except on a much larger scale. On valentines day of this year, I had a complete meltdown. I was shaking, wailing, and my face was soaked with tears. That is when I scribbled out a suicide note. I figured that if I'm alone in this life, I would much rather die.I see suicide as a fail-safe to escape from the pain. However, I refuse to carry it out because of the pain it would cause to those I leave behind. I have wished many times that they could just let me go so I could die. True, I have many friends but.... Honestly, it's not enough for me. I still feel this hollow pain inside my chest. I crave intimacy but I feel it is intangible for me. I crave the love that is experienced in relationships.  My psychiatrist made me realize something extremely important today. The reason I get suicidal so easily is because it is my default way of dealing with my feelings and it has become a habit. It hurts. Really bad. It is the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my life.I do not feel strong enough to confront my emotions and feelings. I do not know how to overcome them. All I can do is pray and hope that I can get through this. I have to get through this. It's not just a battle to grow stronger, it's a battle for my survival. It is only because I have summoned the courage to tell others what I am going through that I am alive today. I love each and every one of you who have and continue to support me.

Isolation And self Criticism

      I have felt isolated for some time. Sometimes I just feel like a zombie and many times I feel alone and unloved. The pain is so crippling. Especially when all I see around me are couples. I have found that if I let these thoughts stay in my mind, then it will plunge me into a deep depression and quickly lead me to suicidal thoughts. Constantly, for the past couple weeks now, my thoughts have consisted of this: 'Why is this so difficult? Is it my destiny to be single? Why do I feel so emotionally cut off and estranged from so many people?'  This in turn quickly leads to suicidal thoughts such as, "I wish I had a gun with me so I could end it all." I feel to weak to fight these thoughts so I just shut them out and suppress them. I know that they will come back and that I will have to face them. I just pray that I have the strength to overcome these thoughts and feelings. The feelings come on so strong that my chest gets constricted and I fight to choke back tears. I get angry and frustrated because I have these feelings of pain, loss, and loneliness and that in turn just ends up fueling my depression.
        There comes a time when there is nothing that you can do but wait it out and pray. I've prayed more in my depression than I have all the collective years of my life. I struggle with past experiences and encounters with friends where I see myself as weak. Giving in is not an option because if I gave in, then I would end my life. Depression has given me a bitter and sour view of the world. I knew I would have to face trials and hardships in my life but.... I didn't expect it to be this early in my life and it caught me completely off guard. All of my friendships were tested and many of them were dissolved. I found out who are my true friends. While I dearly value my close friendships, I must admit that I want more. I want a wife. I want to raise kids. But all of my goals seem like a dream and so far-fetched. When it comes to my desires, I have no idea what to pray for because I almost feel that it is selfish. This is where I am now. This is the journey through the dark thus far.