How Will I Respond?

       The hardest thing about being a Christian, at least for me, is having my will clash with God's will. In the past month, I have had the core (and in many cases the cause) of my depression come back to haunt me with a vengeance. I had thought that I dealt with this many years ago but God has made it clear to me that I had just blocked it out and buried it just so I could function. Something that absolutely cripples me is my desire to have a wife. These feelings just started developing and it scared me to death when I felt them for the first time in years. I do not react in a healthy way to these feelings. Suicidal thoughts often accompany these feelings because I feel extremely powerless due to constant rejection over the past 8 years. I have prayed and pleaded with God to take these feelings away but His answer has been no. I think He wants me to deal with these feelings. The problem is I have absolutely no idea how.
       I have argued and raged against God because I am frightened that He won't give me what I desire and I would die alone. My dilemma is this: What if God's will for me is down I path I do not wish to go? Why would He give me these desires if He's going to ignore them? I know God wants the best for me. The hardest prayer that I literally have to force myself to pray is this: Your will be done.
       I feel like I'm in a fog. I don't know God's will for me concerning this. All I know is that I want God first in my life. I understand I have to deal with these feelings because this is no way to live my life. It will be like poison that devours me if I leave it be. I'm trusting God to take me by the hand and lead me through this because this is too much for me to deal with alone. I often have the temptation to just dive into a relationship but I know this would be foolish. I feel like God is testing me daily to see what I have learned and how I would react in situations. The two responses I get from God are 'Patience. Endure.'
        Switching to Orthodoxy is a huge change for me and for those who know me, I do not abide change. When I make a change, it's usually life changing. Pieces of my life are very slowly coming together. Maybe this is how God works with me. It's funny because even thought I despise change, I am extremely impatient for things to get done. If God is really leading me towards married life, I think that Orthodoxy will help teach me the discipline and responsibility necessary for my life. I am slowly learning patience because I am realizing that I don't want to rush things. If and when I get a girlfriend, I realize that it may be many years and I can live with that. When it comes down to it, I have to seek God first. I also know that I cannot do this alone. I have need of those around me and the body of Christ. We are creatures made for community. I learned this when I stopped going to church for a prolonged period in my life. I had the 'Jesus and I' mentality. In my life group, I am continually amazed with the wisdom of my fellow brothers/sisters in Christ. We are all different parts of the body of Christ and we each have something unique to offer. This rings true whether you are Protestant,  Catholic or Eastern Orthodox. I have friends and family who belong to each one of these branches. I go to my aunt in particular (she is Roman Catholic) for advice on liturgical practices and the meaning of sacraments. I have a tendency to make things too legalistic. She is extremely wise and knowledgeable and explains certain things with such simplicity in ways that I couldn't dream of.
        How do I respond? How do I move forward when I don't know God's ultimate answer to my desires? The simplest words that come to mind just now is what Jesus tells us everyday. 'Follow me'  

Pushing Forward

     Depression has been bad lately but I can honestly say I have a solid game plan to meet it head on. The good thing about feeling the same crappy feelings and emotions over and over again is that you learn how to cope with it and even experiment with different coping mechanisms. This is why I am thankful for Eastern  Orthodoxy and other liturgical traditions.
      A big reason why I am switching traditions is in fact depression. I do not find sufficient answers and practices within Protestantism to address those who are clinically or suicidal depressed. Now this is my own experience. There are plenty of Christians within the Protestant tradition that are able to cope with depression without switching traditions. My experience was constantly being told to 'give it over to God' or 'pray about it'. These are not sufficient answers for me nor are they sufficient answers for anyone suffering from depression. God has given us each other as coping mechanisms and He has also given us the capacity to seek help He has already provided within medicine and psychology. If you were sick then you would go to a doctor. Same for depression. This is one aspect and another aspect is the church interacting with the depressed individual. There is definitely a spiritual aspect to depression that simply must be addressed.
    In many ways, depression is a core reason for me rejecting Calvinistic Predestination. For me, just accepting that God controlled my fate no matter what I did was extremely depressing and frustrating. Not only this, but I could never ever reconcile this within the bible. Sure, there are verses supporting predestination but there are many, many verses also blowing it out of the water. C. S. Lewis also influenced my thinking in this. He suggests that Hell is locked from the inside. God does not force you to go to Hell. Rather, You choose to go there based on your life choices and your rejection of God's gift of eternal life with Him. The Priests at my parish also transformed my thinking on the role of the church and God. We get help from God and meet Him in worship by freely cooperating with Him. The Holy Mysteries (Sacraments) are God's gift to the church. They provide us with an encounter with the Holy and God heals us. Based on what sins and/or hardships you are dealing with in life, the Priest gives you advice and certain prayers to meditate on. I read a few interesting articles about depression within various Christian traditions. The articles conclude that liturgical traditions within Protestantism, Catholicism and Orthodoxy are much more effective at dealing with depression and grief than non liturgical traditions. Part of the reason is because since liturgical traditions are more or less set, it forces you to focus on prescribed prayers and turns your attention towards God.
      Spontaneity is important as well and this is where Evangelicalism has its strength. Protestants do a very good job of emphasizing sincere and honest prayer towards God and this has had a positive effect within Catholicism and Orthodoxy. I personally mix set prayers as well as spontaneous. Another positive effect I've seen within Evangelicalism is their emphasis of the importance of Scripture. I see this carried over in my parish and it makes sense since 90% of the Parishioners are Protestant converts.
      The ultimate deciding factor for me switching to Orthodoxy is my experience of God in my late teens and early 20s. I always felt that God was intangible, distant and that my faith was purely intellectual and in my head. This is not the faith that I want. I want a God that I can interact with and touch in worship. The Mysteries let me do that. I want a God that meets me in my weakness and heals me. I want a life of prayer where I am in constant communion with God. And lastly, I want the discipline in my life to keep working out my salvation with fear and trembling. Orthodoxy is my home. It allows me to connect with the New Testament church and it gives me the Church itself as a support system. I want help in my walk with God and I want to help others with this as well. That is what the church is for. It is a hospital for sick people.
     Depression makes me realize how broken and sinful I am. Something I have been taking very seriously is Christ's commands on worry and anxiety. '...Therefore do not worry about your life....Do not worry about your body.' Anxiety and worry are my worst enemies. They eat me alive in the worst times of life. I'm starting to realize what it actually means to lay my worry and anxieties at His feet. I used to think that just praying once was enough but I have to get up and carry my cross daily. This is what it means to cooperate with God. The partnership is not 50/50. God does most of the work. If you want a tan, you need to go outside. The sun does most of the work.  I cannot and will not live a life imprisoned to fear and anxiety. I do not expect my fear and anxiety to go away overnight either. I must pray daily and endure.

Disruptions

     Something that really tests my faith, routines, hopes and patience is depression. It is not uncommon for me to descend into such a depression that I get suicidal thoughts. This is where my Orthodox prayer book has started to help me. It forces me to focus on Christ and away from my wants. Before I ever thought of scripted prayer, I have always prayed spontaneously. I still do but I temper it with scripted prayers to help me focus. For me, if I always pray spontaneously while in a deep depression, no words come to mind.
     I've never been a patient person. I struggle a lot with self hate; particularly with parts of my personality. It helps me to realize and see what a broken person I am and my need for a savior. A savior who meets me in worship and heals me.
    A life of prayer and communion with God is my answer to depression. There will be pain. There is always pain. God never promises us an easy life. He does promise to always be with us and never forsake us. This is very comforting especially in times of intense depression and loneliness. Another comfort is that the church is there to comfort us as well. This is something that is sorely needed in my life because I tend isolate myself and hide everything about myself. I do not like expressing emotions nor do I like losing control of my emotions in front of others. My goal moving forward is to be more open to my close friends and family. Not open to the point where I'm careless or share too much but enough to let them know what's going on. Whenever someone asks me what's wrong I usually lie and say everything's fine or tell them I don't want to talk about it. Things have come up in the past few days that have been eating me alive and shaking me to my core. I intend to tell my therapist these things immediately because I cannot continue to hide constantly like this. In the meantime I will continue to pray. This is the one habit I am determined not to break.

Becoming Orthodox

    I have begun the process of becoming Orthodox. The classes begin September 23rd and run for nine weeks. Then there is a break and then I am to be christened and take my first Eucharist on Pascha (Easter) next year. It does seem like a lot involved but it makes sense. Being educated in the theology and ceremonies is definitely something I applaud and something I am looking forward to.
    I have hungered for a deeper and more meaningful relationship with Christ and I simply wasn't finding within the Protestant tradition. Protestants have their strength in spreading the gospel but I find the care for the individual believer within the church to be lacking. I need spiritual guidance and discipline. Many protestants get this guidance through someone who brought them to the faith or through a fellow believer.  This by God's grace is sufficient. However, I am very attracted to the idea of confession because the priest gives you guidance. Yes, many people feel uncomfortable confessing their sins to another person in the sight of God but is this not what the bible commands us to do? Confessing before God alone is a legitimate practice as well but I feel like this is half of the commandment. I need to know why what I am confessing is sin, how to identify these areas in my life, and, with the help of the Holy Spirit, correct them.
    Ever since I left high school 8 years ago, I lost my routine, my discipline and my church. For a very long time, my faith was based on reason and intellect. I knew what I believed and how to defend it but it wasn't deepening my relationship with God. There was no mystery or sacramental experience and I had a very individualistic faith. It was 'Jesus and I'. I thought I didn't need a church. Because if it's all about you and God then what need is there for the body of Christ? My heavy research into the early church shocked me and challenged my traditionally held views. I was shocked to learn that the Eucharist was always celebrated as a central part of worship. Not only that, but it was always viewed as, in a mystery, becoming the body and blood of Christ. I was always taught that it was merely symbolic and a memorial. Another thing I was shocked to learn is that the church was always liturgical. Even the Old Testament Jews were liturgical so since Christianity came out of Judaism, should this really have surprised me? The last thing that baffled me was Holy Tradition. It was spoken of universally in the early church. I in good conscience can't ignore this. Tradition is frowned upon in Evangelicalism.
       I am convinced that Depression is what kept me from falling away from the Faith because I was forced to choose between depending on myself and abiding in Christ. All I know is that I cannot live my life with Christ. There are still so many things I must learn. I can be very stubborn and prideful and anxiety is a huge issue in my life. Almost to the point where it takes over. This is the current focus for me right now. My favorite Orthodox prayer is the Jesus Prayer: 'Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner and save me.' It is a very powerful and biblical prayer. One that has become the first thing I say in every prayer. I will continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling as best as I can

A Fork In The Road

     It has become clear to me in the past week that It is no longer an option for me to stay in the Evangelical tradition. I have been doing extensive research for the past few years and it has only intensified in the past few months. I feel God pulling me in the direction of Eastern Orthodoxy. As I have been talking with Fathers Stephan and David, they pointed out to me that I am already Orthodox in my theology and heart. I have not made a final decision as of yet but I am real close. I know that I want a sacramental and liturgical worship. The only question is which tradition?
    I have considered multiple traditions inside Protestantism and tradition outside Protestantism. First was Episcopalian. I rejected this because Episcopalians have largely liberalized, change their theology and introduced teachings contrary to Christianity. Next I considered Anglicanism. I rejected this as well because one, there are no Anglican churches in my area and two, because they don't have a clear line of apostolic succession. Next, I considered Roman Catholicism. I rejected this for a few reasons. First and foremost before I say anything, this is not meant as bashing of traditions. A lot of my family on my mom's side are Italian Roman Catholic and I do not doubt their sincerity nor their faith and there are actually some doctrines that I share with Roman Catholics. This is simply what I have found in my research and what I have been convicted by. The first reason I rejected Catholicism as a possibility is first and foremost the authority of the Pope. I disagree with the Pope for different reasons than Protestants do. While I acknowledge the Pope as a bishop in succession of Saint Peter and as a leader of the Roman Church, I do not recognize his universal claim over all the sees of all of the other apostles. I consider him the first among equals among the other bishops but this is a moot point since the Roman Church split from communion with  Eastern Orthodoxy a thousand years ago. I also rejected Catholicism due to the rising corruption of the church in the high medieval ages. Now this does not fully represent Catholicism today but it was a factor in my decision. And finally, I rejected Catholicism due to it's innovations in it's theology such as the Immaculate Conception, Infallibility of the Pope, Assumption of Mary, etc. I do not think that Roman Catholics are heretics as many protestants do. I see hope for the future and pray for the unity of the church. Pope Francis and Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew 1 are in dialogue for the first time in nearly one thousand years. This is a positive step. I admire Pope Francis' Ecumenism across denominations.
        A dilemma I had coming out of high school and into my twenties was seeing the how many Protestant denominations there are and why. It ultimately comes down to a disdain and rejection of authority. I understand the protestant position because I grew up in it and I believed it. The abuses from medieval Catholicism left a bad taste in many reformers' mouths and they had legitimate grievances. However, if Catholicism is charged with adding to the faith, then Protestantism can be accused of taking away from the faith. I find the doctrine of Sola Scriptura (Scripture alone) to be untenable. In an old catholic adage, 'Every man becomes his own pope'. I will not go in to detail here because this post is not meant to be a theological debate. Suffice it to say that holy Tradition has always been a part of the church from it's beginning. Sola Scriptura is the reason why we see such disunity with the Protestant movement. 30,000 denominations and counting! If each believer truly has the authority to interpret scripture how he may, then why don't two people ever agree? 'Truth divides' is not an efficient answer for me. Jesus prays for the unity of ALL believers. Paul also says that the church is the pillar of truth; something that I see many protestants not putting in to effect. You can't have the Bible without Holy Tradition. Saints Paul and Jude make liberal use of rabbinical tradition and Paul exhorts us multiple times in his letters to 'hold fast to the tradition handed down to you; whether by epistle or word of mouth.'
     As I tried attending different Protestant churches, I noticed a pattern. They seem to hold the bible up almost as an idol and claim that God only saves through the bible. If this is true, then what of those without the bible in the world? what of the church before our modern bible was compiled and ratified by the ecumenical councils? (which is also tradition by the way). God is not confined to the bible. The bible is a centerpiece to our faith, absolutely. I have heard it taught that it was through the Holy Spirit that our modern new testament came to be as it is today. I agree with this teaching but it is important to remember that it was the Holy Spirit working through the CHURCH. The interpretation of scripture is not to be decided by one man, but by the consensus of the church. In these points I have a lot in common with the Catholic Church. We are to trust Christ because the scriptures wrote about Christ. They point to him and tell us about him.
     One thing I will say about Protestants is that they do an excellent job of boiling down the essentials of the faith. The reformation also carried the printing press forward with translations of the bible we can all read and enjoy. I probably never would've had an interest in the faith if it weren't for my dad. He is the spiritual head of my family. He is very wise and educated. We disagree a lot on certain points of theology but I will always give respect and weight to his opinions. He actually had a starting influence on my theology. He was the one who taught me to consider all the angles before making a decision and that is exactly what I practice. For those who remain in the evangelical tradition I again say I still and always will consider you my brothers and sisters in Christ. I do not believe you are heretics. Liturgy suits me because I do not like change and I need discipline. Spontaneity suits some people better because they get more meaning out of it. Liturgy is what I have always been looking for. I have found Orthodoxy as a tradition that is much better suited to meet my spiritual and emotional needs. I crave the mystical supper of our Lord. I seek a deeper connection to Christ and I believe I have found that in Orthodoxy. Our faith may take us across traditions. Some will be led to the Reformation, some to Rome and others to Constantinople. God knows each of us is different and we all come from different walks of life and struggles. His Grace is bigger than any single denomination. Orthodoxy is not perfect. Like any denomination it has its fights and bitter quarrels. I am continually amazed with God's mercy, love and care. God may not always have given me what I wanted but He does provide for my needs. I had been feeling the intense pain of suicidal depression and I constantly worry about the future such as how am I going to provide for myself? Will I ever find someone to love and take care of me? Am I always alone? The biggest question for me was this: How will I physically survive my next intense suicidal depression? God points me to the liturgy and answers my fears of change. "I am Unchanging. Do not be afraid."

Faith Through Prayer and Depression

      Christ will always be at the center of my faith. A personal relationship with God is imperative but not at the expense of isolating one's self from the community and the body of Christ. We are social creatures and God made us that way for a reason. I knew this intellectually but I never put it into practice until the past few months. When one accepts that worshiping together with other believers is imperative to our spiritual health and walk with God, then one starts to understand the significance of communion and Baptism. I grew up thinking and believing that communion is purely symbolic and that nothing happens. Sure, we still take it because it's a command of Christ, but why does he command us to do so? John 6 is a great explanation for this. Also, what struck me as I studies the sacraments was what Paul warns of in 1 Corinthians 11:29-31. Taking the Eucharist in an unworthy manner led some Corinthians to become sick and die. This to me clearly indicates that the Eucharist is more than merely symbolic. Sacramentum means to make holy. A sacrament is where holiness meets the natural world. Jesus Christ himself is a sacrament and the ultimate sacrament. The Eucharist is God's gift to the church. We partake of an intimate communion with our savior and this is something I crave.
    I do not mean to suggest that the Eucharist is the only means of salvation or that the sacraments in and of themselves save us. They do not. Even prayer is a sacrament. Through prayer, we boldly approach the throne of God and make our requests and petitions. I grew up making spontaneous prayers. I looked on scripted prayers with suspicion because I saw them as insincere and ritualistic. Depression blew this concept out of the water. Scripted prayers can become rote but there is a beauty and sincerity to them that can't be ignored. I become so depressed at times that words do not come to my mind. Just tears. This is where prayer books, the Lord's prayer, the Sinner's prayer, the Jesus prayer and the psalms completely changed all that. They spoke what was on my heart and it put a shot in the arm in my prayer life. It gives me discipline and structure, something that is sorely needed in my life. I have Aspergers (although very mild) and ADD and I have come to believe that this is where God has led me. He has provided for my needs and my personality.
    I still have not decided if I want to commit to a liturgical church or not. I may decide to stay within Evangelicalism with some major modifications. My prayer life is liturgical and I intend to take communion in a liturgical and sacramental way as well. I have set up an Orthodox prayer corner with visuals, or icons. (side note: icons are NOT prayed to. They are prayer aides). The current church I go to is Calvary. It is a wonderful church with wonderful godly people and I have made many friends there. My small group is very important to me as they are my friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. They are fairly open minded when it comes to other christian traditions. Something that is pleasing for me to see within Evangelicalism is its dialogue with other traditions and its increasing awareness of how extreme individualism is damaging. It isolates us from the other members within the body of Christ. This isn't just Evangelicalism either. Many traditions have been influenced by our culture of individualism. Individualism is a good thing. But extreme individualism does not meet the needs of others in a community. Evangelicalism has it's strength in spreading the gospel and equipping others to spread the gospel. This tradition is also learning to build lasting connections and a strong community; including reaching out to other christian traditions who are also part of the body of Christ. I tend to look at Calvary with respect and praise because of the positive connections it has made with other communities.
     I believe that I will be dealing with depression for the rest of my life. Maybe not at the same severity at a constant level, but depression will be there nonetheless. God is slowly but surely equipping me with the tools and habits I need to cope with depression. I still pray spontaneously but I pepper my prayers with scripture and scripted prayers as well. The communion of the saints has been a balm for my wounds. Knowing that the body of Christ encompasses those on heaven and on earth is very comforting. My aunt, whom I have great respect for, has said that we don't pray TO the saints but ask them to pray for us much like we would ask a friend to pray for us. 'The prayer of a righteous person bears much fruit.' Many of my protestant friends wouldn't agree with this but that is okay. If that doesn't help your walk with God then I wouldn't force that on you. Each one of us is different and God brings us through different paths and different trials. Sometimes those paths will take us across denominational lines. I will NEVER abandon Christ nor my faith. This is where God has led me. Where He leads me next is a great adventure. It may be filled with pain and suffering but there will be growth and joy as well. Glory to God in all things!    

Continuing In The Faith

    I grew up in Protestantism. It has no doubt influenced me and it is through Protestantism and more specifically in evangelicalism that I came to know Christ. However, since I began researching early church history and church history in general, Eastern Orthodoxy has grabbed my attention and heavily influenced me. When westerners view eastern orthodoxy, they are quick to point out that it is mystical. But otherwise they know little to nothing about it. For example, did you know that for the first 1000 to 1200 years of the church, that eastern orthodoxy and Catholicism were united and in communion with one another? Like Roman Catholicism, they can trace their roots back to the first churches planted by the apostles.
    As western Christians and the western world in general, we tend to use rationalism as the final and sole arbiter of truth. I have come to the conclusion that we should use our reason and rationalism, but when we try to search the mysteries of God, we will hit a road block. This is the view of Eastern Orthodoxy. There are doctrines in our faith that we as finite humans will not be able to fully reason out. doctrines such as the trinity and the fact that Christ is 100% God and 100% man. We need to learn to be okay with these unexplained gray areas.
      In my journey, I feel God pushing me to liturgical worship. As I examine myself and ask why this is, I come up with a few speculations. For those of you who know me, I am extremely resistant to change and routine. Also, my life is extremely unorganized with no discipline, as my parents can attest to very well. Ever since I've been modeling my prayer life off of the church calendar and have been adopting Eastern Orthodox prayer practices, My life has completely changed. It has put an adrenaline shot into my prayer life. For the first time in my life, I actually feel joy as I feel connected to God and the body of Christ as never before.
    For the past few years I have been slowly but surely pulling away from evangelicalism. The reasons for this are many but are way too many for this post so I will list the top 3. The first and foremost is because of my chronic severe depression. As I have talked to a few evangelical pastors and leaders and asked them how they deal with members who have depression, they have either told me that they have no sufficient answers or that their church is not equipped to deal with that. I was rather baffled due to there being statistics of rampant depression and suicide rates in the states and Colorado being among the highest ranked.
   Reason number two is because of Tradition. While Tradition isn't as authoritative as the bible and isn't necessary for salvation, I strongly believe it should be given weight and considered. The official general teaching in Protestantism about Tradition is that it is valuable but not on the same level as scripture. This is not what I see in much of evangelicalism. My experience is that I see Tradition laughed off, disregarded and treated as irrelevant. This is a very American and modern view and I think Martin Luther would roll over in his grave at hearing this. Tradition does not take away from Christianity nor does it take away glory from God. It enriches it!
   And finally reason number three is the disconnect I see when I compare Jesus and the early church fathers in their context when compared to today. The worship is completely different. Worship has always been liturgical. While I wouldn't be dogmatic and say it's the only way, there is much beauty in liturgical worship and it truly is focused on glorifying God. I attended Divine Liturgy at Saint Luke's today and for the first time ever, I sang. Sang! I never sing! Liturgical worship has directed my ADD mind to praise God.
      I have been giving serious thought and prayer to switching traditions. I haven't made a final decision because I want to compare doctrines and continue researching the early church. Don't get me  wrong, Evangelicalism has many positive attributes. It is how I came to a saving faith and I will continue to have faith in Christ as my savior all of my days. Whether you are a believer in the Protestant or Catholic tradition, I still consider you a brother/sister in Christ. I am convinced that God is pulling my heart this way. In whatever I decide, I am not deciding without much research and especially prayer. In fact, the vast majority of my free time is currently dedicated to prayer, research and study of whether I want to join the Eastern Orthodox tradition or not. As a lover of history, I feel most connected to the church and God when I am immersed in it. I am fully aware of many of the doctrines and practices that most protestants would object to such as communion of the saints, The sacraments, icons, Apostolic Succession and the ecumenical councils. My challenge to those of you who object to these would be this: Research it. Not just what you are taught but arguments from the other side and the scriptural basis for these doctrines. these doctrines have been around for much longer than Protestantism has even existed. You don't have to believe in these. Just consider both sides of the argument. That goes for any topic really. Not just faith. I would like to close with this verse in favor of ecumenism My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21 that all of them may be one,Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— 23 I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 
     -John 17:20-23


   

An Update

         Depression has a heavy influence on my faith. I wouldn't call it the driving force nor would I call this a bad thing. If anything, if it wasn't for my depression, my faith would never have flourished.  However, I tend to lean towards theologies that have a better answer on how to deal with depression. I have asked a few evangelical pastors if they have on-campus counseling for depression or if they themselves have had any experience with depressed individuals in their congregations. Each answer was a resounding no and they also told me they don't know how to deal with it. This shocked me and this is also a big reason why I search elsewhere within the christian faith for answers. More specifically, I search the Eastern Orthodox faith and certain parts of Catholicism.
           No, I am in no way leaving Protestantism but I am adding certain parts from Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy to my own life. I have been warming up to using icons in my prayer life and I have extensively studied the theology surrounding them and a defense for using them. I also have been using prayers from patron saints of depression and anxiety and this has been a source of tremendous comfort for me. I am in the process of constructing a prayer corner that has heavy Eastern Orthodox influences as well as a bit of Catholicism as well. I am aware that many of my protestant friends would raise objections concerning these kind of practices but my response is this. Do your research. Read the history of the church, both west AND east. Look for defenses from scripture. Look at the arguments from our catholic and eastern orthodox brethren. Why do we need to be so persnickety about things that have little to no bearing on things concerning salvation? If this helps your walk with the Lord, then why not do it? I have butted heads with some of my immediate family members over these issues but I am not going to question their salvation. Nor should they question mine. This is where my journey has lead me so far.
         Severe depression still hits me in waves. I must learn how to handle it. My prayer life has been so sporadic and irregular because I literally don't know what to pray. Prescribed prayers from the two aforementioned traditions have helped me tremendously. I understand the dangers of this becoming a ritual where I just do it robotically but this can be avoided by regularly reading the scriptures and truly reflecting on the meaning of the prayers. Even the Lord's prayer is a prescribed prayer. Reflecting on the lives of the saints has also been a big help to me. Christians who have gone before us who have had depression such as Bunyan and Cowper is eye opening.
      I try my hardest to attend church but it's become such a problem for me because I am severely introverted and I get easily overwhelmed by crowds. I force myself to go and this is a big struggle for me because I feel torn in two directions. I want to be around people but I also want to be alone. When I'm alone for too long, I start getting severely depressed. Same with the other way around. It's also a big help due to me having a christian therapist.
      Another development is my going to small groups every week. It helps me to detox from the week and also to hang out with people my age who are godly. Community is becoming more and more important to me and it is for this that I am willing to force myself to break my isolation. God has not always provided me with what I want but He definitely provides for my needs and I am always thankful for these things. 25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?" And with that quotation from scripture I shall end this post

A New Beginning

    As 2016 started, my depression slowly climbed until Valentines, where it all hit the fan. I was having breakdowns daily following up to that day. Intense loneliness and suicidal thoughts; the likes of which I hadn't experienced for years. I knew something needed to change. I had been getting increasingly angry at God and extremely jealous of anyone in a relationship. I had even been considering withdrawing form church completely and permanently due to the isolation I felt. But I realized that that is not the answer. God never called us to a life of isolation regardless of our status or position. The answer is to wipe your eyes, move forward and get involved and active in any way you can. Things won't change when you sit around and wait for them to happen. God can show you the way but it is you who must take the journey.
     I think it is time for me to forget my past regrets and start a new chapter. I am going to get more involved in church and I plan to finally become a member. I fully expect to continue my struggle with depression but as painful as it is, it is absolutely necessary. Jesus never promised us a life of comfort but one of struggle and pain. Depression is what has made me closer to God and I wouldn't change it for the world.  

5 Years

      Five long years. Depression is still with me and it can be unbearable at times. A long time ago, I remember posting a quote saying that God will never give you more than you can handle. I no longer find this to be true. God will give you more than you can handle. He does this so that your whole world of self reliance comes crashing down and you are forced to choose between collapsing in on yourself like a dying star or collapsing and falling into Christ's arms. It doesn't matter what situation it is. I believe every human soul will face this situation at least once in their lifetime. As for me, I am still learning but I keep running the race and fighting the good fight no matter how many times I bite the dust or stumble. All I know is that I don't have the strength to go through life on my own so I learn to rely on Jesus
     For me, depression forces me to stare into the face of everything I fear and everything that terrifies me: Being single, being alone, anger, change, the list goes on. Oftentimes, it's like staring into a black abyss that paralyzes me and makes my heart stop. And yet I still see God move in my life. He provides for my needs by taking me by the hand and saying, 'trust me'. When that moment happens, you need to stop thinking and just trust in Jesus. That is how I attained a dependable job. It was completely unknown to me and scared me because I am an introvert and don't meet new people willingly.
     I find that I am able to serve the Lord best by aiding those closest to me. I feel I am closest to someone when I willingly share in their pain and am able to share the gospel with them. Jesus calls us to make disciples, not simply converts. That is my mission and my calling. I don't feel comfortable with just sharing the Gospel and moving on. There needs to be growth and encouragement and lifelong connections in which the foundation is love. That is something I never forgot which one of my old youth leaders Jack shared with me. I will be trying to write these more often just to get my thoughts out there and share my story

Change Among Other Things

     Change is something I struggle greatly with. Even if it's something as simple as getting a new job. Luckily, the Lord has blessed me with a full time job. I just put in my two weeks at my other job today. I look forward to the new challenges but I am paralyzed by such dark depression. Loneliness as a feeling has gotten so intense that it terrifies me. Almost to tears. I don't ask anyone about their life anymore because when they bring up their boyfriend/girlfriend, it makes me really self conscious and extremely uncomfortable. I often retreat emotionally and socially (especially) to escape the pain but of course it doesn't go away. It's hard for me to make friends as well because I no longer trust people as a rule. They usually stop contacting me for no apparent reason
     Despite all this, the one thing I have left that I value is Jesus so I am forced to trust him. It's definitely not easy because I am not accustomed to waiting or being patient. It makes me want to kick the wall and scream but that's when you have to force yourself to be in God's word. Just praying for friendships and someone who cares for me.

Self Injury

     Many people don"t understand self injury such as cutting and it is not often enough addressed in our society so I feel it is necessary to touch on the subject. In truth, I never understood any of self injury, much less why someone would do such a thing to themselves until I slipped into a deep clinical depression. The two types of self injury I have a connection with are cutting and attempted suicide.
     Why would someone harm themselves by cutting? What prompts someone to do such a thing? Depression is hatred towards the self. I hated myself for a very long time. I had so many feelings bottled up inside that I had no idea how to express them so I started to slash my arms with a knife. It was a release for me and I got some sort of strange sadistic pleasure from it. It was an outlet for all my feelings of loneliness. It helped for a while but it's a only a temporary relief.  I usually felt disgusted with myself afterwards.  It only increased my self loathing. I eventually wore long sleeve shirts to hide my arms. I still bear the scars today. It becomes dangerously addictive after a while.
    I eventually started to plan out suicide. I will not go into detail about any plans but suffice to say that they were all violent and only involved harming myself and not others. Self injury is a serious issue and it's not something one can overcome by sheer will. Nor can clinical depression be overcome by sheer will. Anyone who tells you otherwise either doesn't know what they are talking about or they are lying to you. You need to get help if you feel this way. Nobody will think you are crazy and I know it's scary but it is definitely possible to beat this. You need to find a reason to live. God speaks to us loudest when we are suffering and in pain
   

Purposeful Living

      So many people today follow the American Dream. Have the best car, house, wife and life. While I agree that it's important to make a living, the American Dream strongly rubs me the wrong way. It is beyond selfish and materialistic. It's about achieving your dreams no matter what the cost. Even if it hurts someone else, it's okay to continue to pursue whatever you want. This the message that our culture conveys to our youth. I remember this being preached to me weekly when I was in middle and high school. I outright rejected this flawed philosophy. Our culture has a philosophy where we say 'eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die.' This philosophy is much older than we realize. It is found in the old testament in the bible. As a christian, I believe each and every one of us has a purpose for living. Our duty is to find out why we are here, what God wants us to do with our lives and pursue that goal with the fervor of running a marathon.
      What is my purpose? what does God want me to do? I am still discovering what God wants me to do but right now, it has been made evident to me that God wishes for me to study his Word and grow by following Christ. Depression took 4 years of my life. A pretty big chunk, but it served it's purpose and God used that to shape and mold me into the person I am today and I don't regret a single moment of it. Sure, there were times of indescribable pain but God uses that pain to shout to us. I resisted his will for me by trying to do something I was never supposed to do. I looked for any opportunity to jump into a relationship. So much so that I put it above Christ. That is when I realized I broke one of the first commandments. Idolatry. Selfishness. Greed. These are mixed in with depression so intricately that most people don't realize it. Jesus gave me a purpose and I live by this Catechism: 'Man's chief end is to glorify God, [a] and to enjoy him for ever. [b]'. That is what we were created to do. It is clear right from the beginning in the book of Genesis.
   As Americans, we greatly value our freedoms, but what we don't realize is that we're all slaves to something. We have this intense desire to be independent and we see ourselves the captains of our own destiny. In one sense this is true, but we all worship something and that is what makes us slaves. What do we worship? It depends on the person and their deepest desires. Some worship the self, money, work, even other gods. We all take on the characteristics of what we worship. For example, the ancient Corinthians of  Greece worshiped their patron goddess Aphrodite, the goddess of love. This goddess has a reputation for being highly immoral and promiscuous and that is what we see in the culture of that time. So many of us worship things that don't last and have such terrible and uncertain reliability. I used to worship relationships with other people but I quickly found out that it doesn't last. A relationship with Christ does and that is what I have really been searching for all along. It gives me purpose and an eternity and I know his claims for Deity are true. I have done extensive studies and research and I dedicate my life to him so I have purpose.
   I have prayed for a hunger for scripture and a desire to know God and he has answered my prayers and showered me with blessings in abundance. I don't know what God's purpose is for me yet, but I know the key to purposeful living and I will follow it with all my heart, mind and soul. To Christ be the glory forever and ever. Amen

Concerning The Resurrection Of Christ

    The resurrection is a topic that is still hotly debated today. The purpose of this post is to inject what I have researched and to shed some light on the situation. Now to be clear, I have a bias. I assert that the resurrection is an actual historical event. However, this doesn't make my post invalid. Everyone has a bias. Secularists have a mindset where the resurrection didn't happen. That is still a bias, whether you admit it or not.
     Most scholars, secular and theistic, agree on a few basic points.
1. Jesus was a real person
2. He had followers
3. He was crucified under order of Roman Pontious Pilate
4. He was entombed
5. His apostles were scared, despairing, and lost hope due to the death of Christ
6. Many scholars recognize that the tomb was found empty a few days later
7. The apostles experienced what they believe to be a physical appearance of Christ
8. The apostles were emboldened by this and were willing to die for their beliefs
     Now people have argued that what the apostles experienced was a shared mass hallucination. However, this is unfounded because there is no instance whatsoever of this ever happening in history. Granted, the resurrection hadn't happened before in history either but Jesus would be the only person capable of that.
    I've heard arguments that Jesus wasn't really dead, but in a death-like state. This can be refuted because the Romans were reputable killers. They knew how to kill someone. And according to sources, after Jesus died, a spear was plunged into his side to make sure he was dead.
     Jesus didn't just appear to the original apostles. He appeared before many and especially to two skeptics, James and Paul. Paul was a Pharisee and a known persecutor of Christians. He claims that Jesus appeared before him and Paul went on to become one of the most renowned Christians.
    Now let's look at the claims of Jesus. He referred to himself as the Son of Man he said, 'No one sees the father except through me'. Now he is either a liar or he is who he says he is. Is there definitive proof that shows beyond the shadow of a doubt the resurrection of Christ? No, there isn't. But there is enough proof to make coming to the conclusion that Jesus rose from the dead reasonable. Christ's claims aren't just mentioned in the bible. There are at least 18 secular sources that from 50 to 150 AD detailing the claims of Christ and Christianity. I hope this will make you look into the resurrection because the implications are huge. I haven't covered everything about the angles and various parts of the resurrection but this post is just meant to get the basics down. For more details, I recommend you look into the book, "Did Jesus Rise From The Dead? The Resurrection Debate; Gary Habermas And Antony Flew" This is a good book that presents both sides of the debate and helps you to honestly look at the Resurrection. Gary Habermas is a renowned Christian scholar and Antony Flew is an extremely renowned atheistic philosopher of the 20th and 21st century. 
     

Alone

      Depression can be a paradox at times. I want to be left alone at times but then I also crave being around people. Not just people. Women. My therapist and I have noticed that I tend to gravitate towards have more female friends than male friends. I still haven't really figured this out but I feel that the intense loneliness I feel from being single has a lot to do with it. It's something I've struggled with since I was a preteen. It hurts me a lot. Losing myself in God's word has really been my only comfort in this world.
    There are times when I get so tired and depressed. I grow weary of this life and this world and it becomes very hard for me to see anything good come out of it. It's so full of sin and fleeting pleasures. Christ is the only thing permanent, unchanging, and does not pass away. Just rereading this post has made me realize I am still in depression's grip. I must cling to Christ all the more. In the end, He is the only thing that matters. People and girls can only give me so much. Things I used to enjoy like video games and television don't hold my attention the way they used to. I only use those to pass the time. It's to the point where it even hurts to hang out with friends because they always mention their other half. I would like prayers to numb this pain. I don't really know what else to pray for

Salvation

    God doesn't promise to keep us from sorrows. Jesus is a man well acquainted with sorrow. He does offer us grace in abundance and is with us throughout our sorrows and suffering. My God is a great god. He constantly teaches me. Whether I am crying out from the crushing pain of depression or smiling while I hold my nieces, he is there. He never leaves me and he always has something for me to learn in each and every situation in my life. However, I learn best when I am deep in study of the Lord's word. He reveals to me things I hadn't considered or things that make me go 'aha!'. The most recent thing that has been on my heart is salvation.
    One thing we forget and/or overlook is that Jesus doesn't offer salvation to everyone. ' For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.' John 3:16   We must believe in him to have eternal life. That is all he asks of us. This is difficult for many people to accept because they want to go their own way. I believe that as Americans, this is so engrained in our culture that it has made us stubborn and arrogant. We want to pursue our own happiness. That is natural. Even I want to pursue my own happiness. I thought that was finding a wife but does that really last? Is that truly stable and eternal. The answer is a resounding no. God's first commandment is to have no other idols before him. I am definitely guilty of breaking this commandment. I confess it and I repent to the Lord. I have become convinced that Jesus is the true pathway to happiness. He is the ultimate desire of my heart. I have no illusions. I know I will stray from this path because I am a sinner. It is so hard to keep focused on Jesus. Why? Because the flesh is desperately wicked and the world offers us so many temptations. Even keeping focused on the lord, there are temptations concerning our flesh and the suggestions of men.
      One of these dangers is legalism. Legalism is the promotion of good works over grace in getting to heaven. This is something we all struggle with and sadly, many people believe that being a good person will get them to heaven. It's good to be good, sure. But Jesus became the sacrifice for us so whosoever believes in Him will not perish, but have eternal life. This is good news for us because it takes the pressure off in a way. It is human nature to want to do something in order to obtain something but we have nothing but rags to offer Jesus. Doing good works comes with the holy spirit.
    The other danger is license. This is basically thinking 'oh I'm saved so I can do what I want and I'll be forgiven.' True, you will be forgiven but this is not without consequence. God will forgive us but he doesn't save us from the consequences of our actions. This ideology is nothing but 'license' to give into your flesh. We must deny ourselves and take up the cross. 
     The solution to avoid these dangerous ideologies is to find a medium between the two. I believe this is something nobody can truly master this side of heaven. The closer we get to God, the more we realize that we are mired in sin and how imperfect we are. My prayer is that you realize your need for a savior before it is too late. Following Christ isn't about rules. Christ came to save us from the condemnation of the law of Moses. It's about becoming the person that God created you to be and to be a light to others in a dark world. I honestly hate to see others suffer. I wish to lead them to the bread of life so they will never hunger again. 
     Depression has changed me for the better. I understand Christ in a way I could never have known had he not led me into this dark valley. He saves in more ways than one

Musings On Heaven And Hell

   Depression forces you to look at yourself spiritually. It forces you to ask the big questions like 'Is there an afterlife? Is this really all there is?'  I believe there definitely is an afterlife and where you go depends on your choices in this life. Heaven or Hell

     I will start by discussing Hell so that way I can end this post with a positive note. Many of my friends who aren't christian always ask me something like this: 'Why would a loving God send people to hell?' First of all, God is definitely the very definition of love but He is not blind to disobedience and outright rebellion. If God didn't love us then he would never have sent His son to die in place of our sins. Hell was intended for Satan and his angels but The Fall changed that. 2 Peter 2:4 "For if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but cast them into hell and committed them to chains of gloomy darkness to be kept until the judgment;"  The bible describes what kind of people are in hell:
    Revelation 21:8 "But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars--they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death."  Instead of seeing God putting people in hell think of it like this; It is your choice whether you go to heaven or hell. You can either reject God's free gift of eternal life or you can accept it. I believe that if people in hell were allowed a chance to get into heaven, they wouldn't take it because that is what they chose and they want nothing to do with God. That is very sad when you think about it. Hell will be a place without hope and love. Worst of all will be the eternal absence of the presence of God. That is truly the death of hope. Hell is a physical place where people will experience physical, emotional and spiritual pain. I believe one of the painful realizations of hell will be that if you go there, you will be haunted by the fact that either by ignorance or by choice had rejected God's gift of eternity. So He will create a place for what you have chosen in life.

     Now that all that gloominess is out of the way, lets discuss heaven. Contrary to popular belief, you cannot earn  your way into heaven. It is by faith in Christ and not by works of your own hands that get you into heaven. Heaven will be a place of joy and loving. Best of all, you will be in the unspeakable presence of the Lord. This is what keeps me going through depression.

         John 14:2-4 "In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." I love how Jesus speaks with such certainty and authority. He is personally preparing a place for us in His father's house! I personally cannot wait to get to heaven. 

    Revelation 21:4-8 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." It is truly wonderful to know that it will not be the work of some angel to wipe away your tears. It will be the Lord himself! Now keep in mind that this is from Revelation and even when we are in heaven, we will still have even more to look forward to. Jesus will return to earth and make everything new. Notice how He says new and not restored. I can only imagine what that means! Another thing that really excites me about heaven is getting a glorified body. This frail thing will pass away someday and I won't miss it because there are certain aspects of my body that give me great sadness. But I rejoice in knowing that this life is only temporary. The Lord has given me hope and I trust in His word. I hope you found this post to be inspiring and eye opening!

Beaten And Weary But Not Defeated

    This past month has been very dark. Mentally and spiritually. I've noticed my moods can take huge swings. The littlest things can set me off. Like seeing a picture or a status update on facebook. That can easily upset me. I can go from being suicidal to really excited and determined and it has often made me wonder if I have bipolar disorder. I can see how I would because I can go to the deepest darkest emotional pits but I also have my doubts about me having this disorder. I may have mood swings but I don't get SUPER happy, and I know that that's an important attribute for people with bipolar disorder.
     I came very close to completely losing my faith these past few weeks. I got so angry and distrustful of God that I stopped praying altogether and I completely ignored Him. I didn't have any confidence that He had my best interests at heart nor did I feel that He even cared. I have been feeling so lonely that I feel neglected and unloved. Cutting God out of my life made me feel truly alone. I will describe this to the best of my ability. It felt as if one of my senses had been completely cut off and that caused me to go into a sort of shock. Even at work, I just felt like a zombie. I just did my work and nothing else around me mattered. I had thought about praying again but in my head, I have a habit of predicting how conversations will go and I predicted that it would get me nowhere so I gave up on the notion. I do this with people too. Especially with people I'm angry with or have had a fight with. But the truth is, I really can't predict what people will say. People have surprised me with what they have had to say and I decided to give God another chance. I started out by asking for forgiveness because I know I had been extremely stubborn and prideful. I ended up just laying all my troubles at His feet and I felt that I had reconciled with God and once again, I felt like He would watch over and take care of me.
      I still have extreme episodes of loneliness. I'm frustrated that things aren't moving forward so I am taking slow but drastic steps to make a life and living. I am doing research on possible bible colleges/classes to take. I am hoping to make new friends and to find a girlfriend within the near future. I am sad, weary and exhausted but I am not defeated. I have faith that if I keep God close to me, then I can achieve anything!

The Big Picture

     I feel that as humans, we often fail to see the big picture. It's not about my life, it's about eternity. I have for as long as I can remember, just focused on what I want and what I think that I need. A final resolution to my intense loneliness. I have thought of it for too long as a curse and it has been the driving force behind suicidal thoughts and attempts. I still have passing thoughts of suicide and I have often wondered if this is normal. My therapist assures me that it is and they will continue to ebb and wane as depression continues. They act like aftershocks.
     While it is true that these thoughts have often prevented me from seeing the big picture, I am still able to take a step back and look with an objective point of view. God will provide whatever is necessary to keep me alive as long as He wishes me to be. I have had pretty severe trust issues with God for the past few months. So severe that I had ignored Him because I did not believe He was doing anything for me or even listening to me. I was trying to get God to submit to me when it should've been the other way around. It made me realize something. You can't stop thoughts from entering your mind but it is ultimately up to you whether you listen and give in to them. I had become so physically and emotionally exhausted that I gave in to nearly every thought that entered my mind.
      Thoughts may just be in your head but they definitely affect you and some may be so strong that it is shown to others through your body language and expressions. I often get so absorbed in a thought process that all happiness will drain from my being and I don't hear or see anything beyond what I am focusing on. If you don't have the will to battle these thoughts then I strongly suggest you busy yourself quickly. It definitely works and it lets your mind rest.
      I have slowly but cautiously been starting to trust in God again. I am still learning how to let go of those desires and things I so desperately want and I gotta tell ya, it's the hardest thing I've ever tried doing. While the things I hold onto may be unique, it is not a new concept. Each and every person has desires they hold onto even if they don't realize it. Only by learning to lay these things before Christ can we continue on our journey to get to know Him

The Dark Days

     There have been many happenings this past week that are very significant for me. They have really changed the course of my depression. Unfortunately it has been for the worse. I won't explain the events due to it being personal but suffice to say it has made me feel extremely lonely. To the point where I feel as if I am going to have a panic attack. Loneliness is a weird thing. When it's intense, you desire to have someone but at the same time you don't want to be near anybody because you don't want them to see or think that you're lonely. Everything around you is just deafening silence. I'm on the verge of giving up everything. I don't talk to God anymore because I feel He doesn't help me and it's taking way too long for me to find somebody and no matter how hard I try, I get rejected. I'm angry at God for that. I'm done waiting I just don't have anything to say to Him. The pain's too deep and the depression is too strong for me to have hope. It feels like I've been dragging a boulder behind me for years. No progress on the relationship front and I just don't see any hope or happiness. Just pain and tears